Or what passes for a life around these parts, anyhow.

Saturday, as always, had been quite quiet. Last night, we kept Felicity company while she takes care of house and cat.

We hung out and watched videos and ate MacDonald’s. I had the ten McNugget meal. I do not know why, but there is something in the McNuggets which is very soothing to my digestion. I assume it is something in the spice mix, although other spicy foods do not necessarily have the same effect.

Chipotle, for instance, nearly freaking kills me now.

But I have had surprisingly tummy calming effects from spicy-ish foods before. Things like onions and green pepper have proven quite soothing to my sensitive systems before, even though other people find those kinds of things quite a digestive challenge.

My homebrew sinus cure is to make a toasted cheese sandwich loaded with onions and garlic. Tastes fantastic, clears out my sinuses, and soothes my digestion all at once.

As a matter of fact, I am about due for one of those. My allergies are always at their worst in the spring and in the fall. And it is definitely fall.

For the most part, I love Fall, especially early and middle fall, before it gets seriously cold. I love the cool yet sunny days (always my favorite kind), I love the crisp night air and brilliant skies full of stars and the smell of leaves and chestnuts and the coming of winter. I love how the leaves scoot down the street in the fall breezes, and how it is suddenly time for sweaters and fireplaces and hearty fare.

I like the Spring, too, for it brings a lot of good things as well. But I think I like the Fall just a little bit more. There it always a special, mystical feeling in the night air on a cold, clear autumn night. A feeling like something magical is happening just beneath the surface, in the shadows or in the air. A very Halloween kind of feeling.

And I love Halloween. It is the perfect holiday for people like me who love a good scare and who feel oddly close to the ghosts and goblins and things that go bump in the night. Perhaps it is because some of us dwell so long in the dark and the cold that it begins to feel like home to us, and who therefore come across as kinda spooky to those who know only the light, and who banish all they cannot handle into the unknowing darkness, where the likes of me can find it and make it part of our own shadowy world.

And of course, this is where we get our strange powers and unusual perceptions, and this only increases the aura of dark power we seem to possess. But it is not really so dark and dangerous to us who live on this side of the mirror. To us, it is simply reality as it is, warts and all.

So really, Halloween, to someone like me, is that one night of the year when everyone is as weird as they are, or at least tries to me. Welcome to the show, folks. I will be your host, guide, and entertainer. Just watch what you touch, and remember, while you will all go home tomorrow, some of us live here.

And maybe, just maybe, one or two of you will decide to stay.

Otherwise, nothing much happening in this so called life of mine. Still floating along without a paddle, getting nowhere but closer to death. I am trying to be patient with myself and tell myself that I am still healing, still recovering from 20 years of depression, and that I can’t beat myself up for not doing things which might not be possible for me yet.

But it gets so frustrating. I want to be more than I am so badly, and I can feel the creative energies surging within me, seeking release. I know that I have the potential to be something truly amazing and really make my mark upon the world with my intellect, creativity, perceptions, and wackiness. But always, my fears keep me on a short stiff leash, and I can’t just reach out and grab all the things that seems so very close at hand.

It is tantalizing, frustrating, and depressing. I know that if I could just make peace with it, I would save myself a lot of fruitless heartache and stress and pain. There is no point in becoming angry with what you cannot yet do. In fact, it is probably directly counterproductive.

But emotions do not go away simply because you realize they are futile. So the frustration and anger will remain until I reach a point where I can truly let them go and head out into the world with my eyes, and my heart, wide open.

I can’t say when that will be, or what will happen then. I really want it to be before I hit 40, but the clock is running down on that pretty fast, so the odds seem pretty long. I know that unless I get some sort of something going, something that makes me feel I stand a chance of escaping my sad and pathetic little life, that 40th birthday is going to be pretty damned hard on me.

I may need to make sure I am not alone at all for a while before and after. Self-harm is a distinct possibility. It is not pleasant to think about, but part of dealing with mental illness is learning to see problems coming and plan ahead, instead of just letting life smash you down all the time because you refuse to take personal responsibility for your fate.

Similarly, I should start thinking about what I will be doing and where I will be for Xmas Eve this year. It is a very dangerous time for me, all alone while others are with their families. My family is a whole continent away. Not good.

Maybe this will be the year that I actually find an event to go to, and do that, instead of just staying home and being sad.

Or maybe it won’t.

Either is fine, really.