So, as I predicted, I am not quite so grumpy or angry now, although I know I am way, way far away from actually having vented all my pent up rage steam.

I am just on the cool-down cycle now, and I am sure this little volcano of mine will erupt again soon enough. For now, I will just enjoy the downtime.

Today was a therapy day, and it was a decent session. I am coming to understand that there will always be a feeling of dissatisfaction after a session because there will always be so much more I want to talk about than can be fit into an hour of talk therapy.

Plus, I seem to always suffer from an esprit d’escalier variant where I think of all the things I should have brought up during the session in the minutes after the session ends.

While I am there, of course, I can’t think of a damned thing. This is similar to the problem I have had in the past of drawing a total blank when someone asks me what I want for Xmas or my bday. I would know damned well that there were tons of things I wanted, but at the time, I could not think of a thing.

Of course, after the opportunity has passed, I am thinking “D’oh! I should have asked for this, and this, and this, and of course this…. ”

This year for Xmas, at least, I managed to conquer that problem by focusing in on three things I knew I needed (shoes, shirts, and gloves) and fixing them in my mind with such intense concentration that it was like I was trying to memorize my serial number in a WWII film.

So I was damned ready this time. There are probably innumerable other things I could have asked for. Some of them I might even have enjoyed more than those three things.

But I don’t care. Part of fighting my constant option paralysis is to just make peace with hasty, arbitrary, imperfect decisions.

You just have to cut off the decision making process at a certain point and go with whatever seems best at that very moment, and stick with it.

Obviously, this only applies to things where a decision is needed at a certain time. But you know, seeing as we all have a bare three score and ten (if we’re lucky) on this Earth, there is really no such thing as unlimited time in which to make a decision.

Just pick something and get on with it, and stop using indecision as a refuge against growing up.

It’s not that you cannot decide. It’s that decision leads to action, and action leads to exposure, and exposure leads to pain and fear (in your mind), so you refuse to decide.

Then, all you have to do is keep saying “I could never decide… ” and you are safe from having to actually do anything, and cower in the shelter of the potential rather than face your fear of the actual.

After all, dealing with reality means leaving the safe (and poisonous) world inside your mind.

And that is literally the worst thing ever. Even worse than never leaving it at all.

Well, maybe it’s a tie.

It was super freaking cold out today, and due to the sort of scheduling chaos that always happens when Joe goes back to work before the kiddies go back to school, he could drop me off at therapy but could not pick me up and drive me home after.

And I was not looking forward to going back via bus in such cold weather. My gloves have yet to arrive, plus I totally did not expect it to be so cold so I was not wearing anything but a thin white T-shirt on under my leather jacket, so I was not prepared for the quarter mile (or so) walk from my therapist’s office to the bus stop, then waiting for the 407, then taking the 407 to Richmond Center, then walking three blocks to the stop for the 401, then waiting for THAT bus, then taking that bus home.

Luckily, Joe, being the local node of total awesomeness that he is, spotted me $20 toward a cab, so I was able to ride home in comfort and it only cost me five bucks out of pocket.

God, taxis are expensive around here. Back home, I could get anywhere in town for $3.25. If taxis were that cheap here, I would get out a hell of a lot more.

Still, it was nice to take a taxi home. Makes me feel less poor for a while, and supports my dreamy dreams of having enough money to live the life of comfort, luxury, and ease to which I aspire.

I am not looking for status or power or fame. (Well, OK, I really want the fame). But still, what I want the most is things like a car and driver, a nice house with comfy and attractive furnishings, and enough pocket money to eat at nice restaurants and go see shows, visit museums, and so on.

I do not care whose name is on my clothing as long as it is good looking and comfortable. (Emphasis on the comfortable. ) I do not care what the neighbors think as long as they leave me alone to be the friendly weirdo that I am. I do not care whether society approves of me, although it would be nice if they liked me at least a little.

I just want a comfortable, easy, pleasant life.

I figure the sort of life I want would cost around $200K a year. That is not chicken feed but it is not entirely out of the question either.

I am sure J. K. Rowling spends that much on lunch, and she is, of course, my hero, financially speaking.

She became a billionaire by writing! That’s billionaire with a B!

I think we can all agree that we would all like to have that kind of cash.

Now if only I can convince the world that Trevor and Pep are the next big thing…