I have had a shitty day. Lots of sleep and sweat and dreams, and each time, I wake up feeling crappier. My head hurts, I feel weak and dizzy, I ache all over, and to be perfectly honest, right now, I feel so cranky that I could just fucking scream.

But what the hell. Time to get the writing done. After that, I can go back to being miserable in peace. And as it happens, I have had some pretty darn interesting dreams in my wanderings through the steamy fetid jungle swamps of my mind, and what the hell, I will write them down as best I can today.

In the first on, I was The Kingpin’s boyfriend. For reals, man. I dreamed that I was romantically entangled with a fictional character, and for some reason, my brain chose The Kingpin.

As I recall it, the dream happened in extremely compressed fashion, almost in fast-forward, with interludes happening one after another, nothing more than ten seconds long, each representing another section of time.

Kind of like a training montage, but with more gay nudity.

Yes, there was a slice where he and I were nude in bed together. No actual sex, but it was sexy, and very snuggly. I felt quite cozy and happy. I think it was during this interlude that I had the thought that it was nice to be with someone so big.

After all, being a big fella myself, it has been a long time since I had the comforting feeling of being in the arms of someone bigger than me.

Actually, I am not sure that has ever happened to me. Sadness.

And it made me feel safe. That is not something I have felt since I was a little boy. Also sadness.

The other part of the dream that I remember clearly was one where I was explaining to him that I really wanted to be useful to him. Not just a lover but a partner, I suppose, or an assistant.

Now that is something I don’t know that I have ever felt : useful. I have spent what seems like my entire life feeling useless and worthless and good for nothing and just a burden to others.

So it says something that I was so keen to prove I could be useful to my new benefactor. It means that, at least in the dream, I thought I could prove my worth to someone.

And I think I could, really. I have a lot to offer. I am sharp as hell plus I have a winning personality (well, some of the time) and I am extremely creative.

It is just that I need someone to serve, I guess. Someone to support me so I can support them. I lack the strength of character to focus my talents myself.

The second dream, I ended up having a long conversation with John Stewart.

No mystery there. He is someone I consider a personal hero, someone I admire and envy and idolize. So if my superconscious was going to pick a figure for me to tell my life story to and try to justify my life to, in a way, it totally makes sense that it was him.

What the deal was with The Kingpin, I don’t know. A powerful fat guy, I guess.

I don’t recall exactly what happened in the dream leading up to this, but at some point, I was trying to get somewhere, and had just been abandoned by my friends. They had even done that dickish thing where they slow down the vehicle like they are going to let you get in, then speed away laughing.

Don’t worry, my real world friends, none of you were there. It was generic friends. Plus, I think the vehicle might have been a firetruck, whatever that means.

So anyhow, I was feeling rather low, and then there is John Stewart just sitting in a field. As I approach him, he gets up, and it seems to me that he looks very purposeful, like he is about to do something he had been waiting to do and which he took seriously but was not exactly looking forward to doing.

That was, apparently, talking to me. I am such a chore.

But he listened very intently as I told him about my crappy childhood and how I felt so trapped in my current life and how people say “Do what you want to do!” like it is a big liberation, but that kinda shit takes money. Sure, give me a couple million dollars, I will do what I want to do for the rest of my life.

The dream ended just as he was about to give me advice. I guess my metaconcious mind was not up to that.

Then in the third dream, I was in a large vehicle, maybe a limo, with some frankly pretty snobby people. They made some catty remarks about some huge woman in an ugly dress, and then someone said “Wait, what if that’s not a woman?”, and I looked, and there was this six foot four trannie in a cheap print dress walking on the street.

We all laugh at her (not proud) but then there she is, at the car door next to me, trying to get in. She opens the door and try to sit next to me, but I say, truthfully, that we are packed in really tight in here and there is no way she will fit in.

Nevertheless, she insists upon trying to get in, and ends up sort of slithering over people’s laps, and I am tempted to just shove her out the door because she is being quite rude and presumptuous and I would have every right to forcibly eject her.

But I don’t, and that is where the dream ends.

I can’t help but wonder what having a big trannie trying to get into my car means.

All in all, while the sleep made me feel crappy, I am glad the dreams were interesting!