Today, I went to see my doctor about my right foot, and the results were… unsatisfying.

In order to explain why, first, I will transcribe what went down while it is still somewhat fresh in my mind so I can save it for posterity.

First, I told him about my symptoms. I told him about the coldness and numbness all over the sole of my foot, and how my hands and feet always seem to get cold easily but how in the last week or so, it had gotten a heck of a lot worse. I also told him about how my own research had resulted in my concluding that it must either be vascular insufficiency (poor circulation) or diabetic neuropathy (nerve damage).

Then he had me take my shoe and sock off and sit on the end of the examining table. He squeezed each of my toes and noted that the color came back to them right away, and that my foot looked nice and pink, and that convinced him that circulation to the foot was fine.

Then, to check the nerves, he got a medical tuning fork (seriously, those are totally a thing) and tapped it and hald it against my ankle then at another part of my foot, and asked me how it felt. It felt the same in both places and I said so.

Then he did the same trick compare ankle to knee, and the result was the same. Based on this, he decided it was not diabetic neuropathy either.

I told him that the problem was the sole of the foot, which he had yet to examine, but that did not seem to make any difference. He said it was probably a monopathy, which meant just one nerve was affected, and that there was a good chance it would fix itself over time, and ushered me out of the office.

Almost immediately, I realized I was not satisfied with that result. But I have a serious problem asserting myself with doctors. I don’t know why. A Freudian might say that I have a deep unconscious need for a strong male authority figure, and all my doctors have been men, so my desire to believe in their authority is so strong that I automatically submit to them.

And there may be some truth there. Certainly I do not relish arguing with a doctor. I respect knowledge and they know a lot more than I do, so doing what they say seems sensible.

But what patients’ rights advocates will tell you is also true : nobody cares about your health more than you do, not even your doctor, and so you have to be willing to strongly advocate for yourself in order to make sure that your doctor(s), however well-meaning, do not just brush you aside.

Easier said than done for the likes of me. But I am seriously considering making another appointment and going in to see him again to try for a better result.

I mean, I still have a foot that constantly feels like I am wearing a leaky boot while trudging through the snow. I do not think I got across to him just how wrong I feel that is. When he asked me how bothersome it was, I stupidly but honestly said that it was not that painful, which it is not.

But it is distinctly wrong and it worries me terribly. It really does not feel right and it does not seem to me like the sort of thing one just ignores and hopes will go away.

I am a diabetic and something is wrong with my foot. I really expected that to set off alarm bells. I thought it would result in a referral to an endocrinologist or at the very least a podiatrist. Someone higher up the specialist food chain who would have the high powered knowledge to handle this.

Instead, I got the brush-off, just like so many times before with so many other doctors.

And Occam’s Razor would seem to dictate that the theory that “I have assertiveness issues with doctors” is somewhat more likely than “all doctors are pricks”.

It is easy for people with my sort of issues to decide that the other people are the problem. Many other unassertive people have done so. But at the end of the day, whether it is them or it is you, your behaviour is the only one you can control, so the ball is in your court either way.

As a result of today’s events, I feel kind of angry and restless and unsettled. I seem to be having trouble concentrating too, which might be because of the emotional issues or it might be because my brain wants some caffeine to help it focus.

I hope it’s not that I have developed a caffeine habit. I hate the thought of any sort of chemical dependency that is not medical in nature.

On the other hand, between tea, coffee, and cola, the entire world is addicted to caffeine, so who am I to hold out? And a strong case can be made that anything that helps a scatterbrained, absentminded dreamer like myself focus has got to be a good thing.

So I am thinking of switching my monthly Costco beverage from the very nice fruit mixes that I normally get to a flat of cans of Diet Coke, and see if adding more caff to my life is a net gain or not.

It might help me be more focused and productive and help chase away the kind of sludge that accumulates in my brain space from bad sleep and whatnot.

Or it might just raise my blood pressure and make me a lot less healthy in the long run and give me jittery caffeine nerves to boot.

Then again, another thought I have had is getting up every morning and getting fully dressed and sitting at the computer like I have a job.

Diet Coke might help with that.

Either that, or I have to start drinking coffee…