Had a bad moment tonight. I was eating supper and watching a show about alternate energy sources on Discovery Science (awesome channel!) when I suddenly got this feeling like a giant invisible foot was pushing me down.

It was basically an amplification of that weak feeling that I have been getting lately. It was pretty frightening, to be honest. In additional to the squished feeling, I felt nauseous, my head was pounding painfully, and I felt a terrible heavy dread.

Luckily, it passed quite quickly, and I feel more or less normal now. But this is a worrysome development and I really hope it does not recur.

This incident only makes me all the more determined to hash this out with my therapist on Thursday. This shit did not happen before I went on Wellbutrin. I might be having a bad reaction to it.

Certainly, this sort of thing makes me worried that the additional strain on my no doubt extremely weak and deteriorated cardiovascular system, which already has to deal with my obesity, caused my introducing Wellbutrin to all my other meds is simply more than this unhealthy carcass can take.

It would be ironic indeed if the medication that is supposed to give me a new lease on life instead ends up making me even sicker.

But spring has also sprung, and it is getting hotter by the day (joy), and the air is filled with allergens, and so Wellbutrin is not the only factor in play.

Mood-wise, it is not been a great day either. I spent a lot of today feeling depressed and angry and feeling like just staying in bed because another day of my crappy stupid pointless and most of all unsatisfying life was just more than I could take.

Of course, I did get up eventually and drag myself through my usual sort of day. Spent hours this afternoon trying to catch up on my Facebook feed. I really ought to cut down on the amount of stuff that posts to my feed. But there is just so much interesting stuff out there!

In a sense, I was better when I could not have the most interesting stuff on the Internet delivered to my virtual doorstep every day. When I had to go find it, my inherent laziness kept me from getting run ragged by my various interests.

But with Facebook, it’s so easy that it actually becomes a problem. First world problem, I know.

And I am doing a lot of sighing lately. And dreaming.

Would you believe that twice today, I dreamed about cake? I had two dreams where I had access to a very large quantity of cake. And I was stuffing myself, like any fat boy.

And in the second dream, I actually said to someone “If I eat one more piece of cake today, I will turn into a cake. ” So I actually remembered the cake orgy from the first dream while having the second dream.

And the second dream had a whole crosswalk in my home town replaced with a vast cake that was supposed to be a memorial to someone (??), and that is getting into some surreal shit right there.

Reminded me of this infamous music video :

I think the video is brilliant but a lot of people, including Tom Petty himself, thought it was way too creepy. First time with a new video director. Last time too, I would guess.

Anyhow, the part I am referring to is at the end of the video, right here. Warning, nightmare fuel.

That video is widely credited with inspiring this famous sequence from Star Trek : The Next Generation, although it could be just a coincidence.

Anyhow, in the dream, shortly after saying the bit about turning into a cake (eep), part of my normal consciousness must have seeped into the dream because I said “I am going to have to take so much insulin after this!”

Honestly, after eating like twelve pieces of sheet cake, I would probably be dead. Or at least in the hospital. My blood would turn into maple syrup.

So there you have it, fat guy dreams of cake. It’s humiliating to think about. Of all the magnificent possibilities for spiritual growth inducing travails, soul cleansing nightmares, mind stretching surrealist hallucinations, or just plain old down and dirty fun, what does my mind come up with?

Dessert. How very sad.

I guess the lack of sweetness in my life has left a vast spiritual void within me that my dreaming mind is desperately trying to fill. I never thought, before my diagnosis with diabetes, that I was someone with a really strong desire for sugary treats.

But I guess you do not know how important something is to you until you have to go without. And given how often I dream of eating all the things I should not, it was really important.

And, to cut myself a little slack here, it could be that the sugary stuff in my dream is just a stand-in for all the other things, all the other pleasures that I want out of life but cannot have.

The unfulfilled desire for sweet things is simply the simplest route to connect my desires with their fulfillment. In the grand scheme of things, the desire for a chocolate bar would be the easiest for me to fulfill. It requires nothing but a store and the price.

That doesn’t make it a good idea, mind you. But I can see how it is the shortest bridge for my sleeping mind to cross.

After all, all human beings crave sweet things. Even tiny babies barely dry from birth show a preference for sweet over all things.

Still, I really wish my brain would come up with something else for me to dream about. Something a little less stereotypical of a fat guy.

Hey brain! What the hell is wrong with some good old-fashioned sex?

That’s nice and primal, right?

And vastly more entertaining.