I feel somewhat better today.

I still feel sort of restless and caged and it takes a certain amount of concentration to keep my anxiety and/or agitation level down, but still, I feel pretty good, at least compared to recent norms.

I even woke up feeling good. That literally never happens. Generally, the best I can hope for in terms of a waking state is “pleasantly lazy”, and quite often it is more like “after three hours of light torture”.

To be honest, it’s a little freaky. But I am actively fighting my usual mistrust of happy moods and removing all the usual mood governors that I can in order to encourage this kind of ebullience.

Now today is quite sunny, and that might have a lot to do with my perkier mood. I really do seem to have solar powered moods, probably because I get so little direct sunlight that my circadian clock is absolutely starved for the stuff.

Make me wish my room had a balcony. I could sit out there and ready for an hour in the afternoon. We have a balcony off the living room, but it tends to be used mostly for storage and so there’s not a lot of room to just sit down with a good book.

Still, the idea of getting more sunshine to help power my happiness warrants some thought.

There has to be some way of making myself more active and outdoorsy without tripping my social anxiety too hard and too fast.

I am pondering asking for a bike for my birthday. But first, I have to shake off my fears of the bicycle being yet another thing I got but never use and at least give myself the chance to have some kind of acceptable form of exercise.

Then again, maybe I would be better off with a stationary bike. On the one hand, it does not get me out into the fresh air and sunshine, but on the other hand, I could get exercise without having to challenge my social anxiety at the same time.

But then again, I could exercise right now, no equipment needed. I could get plenty of exercise just doing leg lifts, push-ups, sit-ups, and all the other usual stuff. Leg lifts, range of motion, blah blah blah.

And yet somehow, I just… don’t. Like I have said before, there is a serious block between my intentions and action. A deep fear rests on my soul. It makes me afraid of investing effort into anything new. It demands an extremely high amount of reward per unit of energy expended. It keeps me down.

And I do not know how to break its grip. And as long as it has me locked away, I can’t make progress on anything at all.

But I do think that the Wellbutrin is doing… something. I definitely feel like something is shifting deep in my psyche. I still cannot really put my finger on it, but I know things are changing in me and it feels like I am struggling toward the surface of this deep dark pond I live under.

I am ready to struggle out onto land and at least become an amphibian, I think.

On the topic of depression, this list of 21 coping techniques is making the rounds online.

I agree with most of the points. This one seems relevant today :

10) Face a window as often as you can – at work, at home. Look out into the world. Watch. Observe. Try to find something you find pretty or interesting to focus on. And, handily remember that one in five of those people out there feel the way you do.

A lot of good stuff there. For one, facing the window will increase the amount of direct sunshine coming in through your eyes, and that will improve sleep regulation, and hence you will sleep better and that improves mood drastically.

That part I already knew. But I think finding something out there that you like to look at is a good idea too. It’s a simple, low-threat, low-effort way to develop one’s interest in the world outside oneself, and that can only help one’s outlook and mood.

I do not necessarily agree with this one, though :

17) Avoid fictional drama and tragedy like the plague. No Grey’s Anatomy, no to The Notebook, or anything that won a Pulitzer prize. You’ve got enough going on In Real Life. Comedy only. Or trashy stuff. Old episodes of WonderWoman? I’ve got the box set. Mindless drivel, like the latest CGI blockbuster. Or clever, funny books. David Sedaris. Jenny Lawson. Fiction exists to elicit emotion, and the emotion you need to express most right now is laughter.

It has been my experience that depression comes from suppressed emotion, and that sometimes something fictional that is somewhat sad or upsetting or scary can give a person a safe release of pent up feelings that improves their mood dramatically.

But that is not true for everyone, or for all things fictional. Some things are going to be too damned depressing to do anyone any good, and certain things are going to be triggers for the bad stuff inside and that is not going to help either.

Still, I think depressed people like myself need to at least be open to the idea that something that is maybe kind of sad or depressing might actually make them feel better in the long run.

You might have a good cry first. But there’s nothing wrong with that. It gets the sadness out. You trade a short time crying for a long time enjoying the benefits of less emotional congestion.

Oh, one last thing : check out this neat snack delivery service

You pay these Foodee people a fee and they deliver a box of healthy type snax to your door every week.

Pretty simple, and a great way to get around the problem of finding these products yourself. The makers get a steady market, you get neat healthier snacks, and Foodee gets a fee.

Totally the sort of thing I would get into if I had the $$.