All diary today. Well, OK… one link.

You would think that seeing a grown man (with stubble!) act like a 2 year old girl would be creepy. But somehow, it just makes it all the more adorable.

I admit, that is probably not everyone’s reaction. Damn, I need a boyfriend.

Anyhow, I thought it was a brilliant idea for a fairly unique brand of comedy. It gives us insight into the strange and magical world of the two year old, too.

At that age, we are still more animal than human, and yet we are taking our first steps towards becoming human, and that is fascinating.

She seems fairly advanced for 2 years old, actually. She uses language like a three year old. Full original sentences in the proper context, and all that.

But anyhow, enough about her. What about me? (Imagine that said by James from Pokemon).

I had a fairly productive therapy day. I unpacked a lot of the thoughts I have been sharing with you folks about being more positive, seeing turning 40 as the end of the previous chapter and the beginning of one that is fresh and new, and hunting down and ejecting those nasty negative thoughts.

I am coming dangerously close, in fact, to positive self-esteem.

And that is sort of scary. You would think it would be something someone would eagerly embrace as their salvation, but I have hated myself for a long damned time and liking myself would mean a lot of changes.

In fact, I seriously suspect it might lead to… you know… doing things. Eek!

Not that I want to stay forever in this sad little world of mine where I do very little that is productive and I spend all day fucking around playing Facebook games and the highlight of my day is when I eat.

In fact, in good news (trust me, this is good), I felt my anger and impatience at spending my days like this rising this afternoon. In fact, I came very close to some kind of emotional crisis.

That’s a good thing. You have to let go of the old before you can embrace the new sometimes, and I know that in order to make room for a more productive and fulfilling life, I am going to have to make a break with the sort of mindless (but stimulating) activities that I have used to fill all those big empty spaces where my life should be.

And I think that I have grown so ossified in my ways that it will take some sort of large emotional breakthrough to grind through all that rust on my bones and set me free.

Some things, despite my fondest wishes, cannot be done slowly and incrementally. Sometimes, it takes something puncturing your equilibrium and scrambling all the eggs in your little basket for you to finally be able to grow.

And growth is life. Lack of growth is death. We must grow to live. I believe that from hat to socks.

So hopefully, I will have some kind of emotional apotheosis soonishly and that will be, of course, bloody unpleasant but it will also open the doors for me to rearranged myself into a more content, calm, solid, fulfilled, and above all happy version of myself.

Happiness is definitely the target. That is the absolute top priority in life right now. Become happier. I have only recently pulled myself across the finish line of “thinking I deserve to be happy”, so I am not expecting spectacular results right away.

One recent realization that is helping with the happiness trail : I find dating/matchmaking sites depressing because all the guys on their are either shallow, skeezy guys looking for a “discreet” hookup, really fucking boring people.

I am telling you, I am getting so sick of profiles that start “I am just a normal guy… ” or “I am as regular a guy as they come… “^[1]

I am SO ready for one that starts “I’m a freak of fucking nature… “.

I mean, why are these guys so eager to advertise how dull they are? It’s things like this that make me realize that I am actually pretty damned picky about the people with whom I associate and the odds of finding my Man of Life via some dating site are fairly low.

Because the thing is, I don’t really get along with normal people. Even when they are gay. I am a rare and exotic breed of weirdo, and I need the company of the same.

At the very least, I need another intellectual. And that goes way beyond intelligence. There are a lot of quite smart people who are nevertheless not intellectuals, and some people of fairly normal IQ who nevertheless make the grade because they have active, curious, deep minds.

That alone means I am choosing from like, 20 percent of the 10 percent, so already I am dealing with only 2 percent of the population right there.

Of course, there are alternatives to dating sites… like actually going out there and meeting people. In places outside this apartment. Places full of people I don’t know.

That sounds super freaking scary. But if I choose my venues properly, I should be able to cut down on just how uncomfortable I am.

So whenever I am ready for that step, I will look for the sort of thing that attracts intellectuals like myself, and go there. Should improve my odds and my anxiety levels.

Hmm, anything else to say about today… oh right. Picked up the magnetic clip-on sunglasses that were supposed to come free with my new glasses, but there was a mix-up and I only just got them today.

They are the right strength, and the magnetic part is kinda neat. But it adds weight to the glasses and makes me feel like they are always slipping down my nose.

Still, I have wanted something to fight glare for a long time, and these ought to do the trick.

And…. that’s about it!