Here’s the stuff I didn’t discuss yesterday.
I’m going to move on to misandry tomorrow, in the interest of fair play and equal time. I have a lot to say on that subject too. Hate goes both ways, and when it’s directed at men, we’re generally supposed to just take it like a man.
Damn, I hate gender politics. And yet here I am participating in it on YouTube. Well, those who hate the rain still get wet.
It’s been a mildly down day for me. Nothing catastrophic, just having a hard time concentrating. I have this terrible feeling that I have become physically addicted to the caffeine in diet cola, and that really others me. For one thing, I am damned lucky to be as fat as I am and have a healthy heart and healthy blood pressure, and I should not be fucking with that.
But mostly it’s just offensive to me to be beholden to some substance for mental alertness. I know that sounds a little off coming from a guy on seven different meds, but those are prescription stuff and taking them is a medical necessity.
Not so with caffeine, and I just hate the very idea of being physically addicted to some substance. I consider the inside of my skull to be a sacred place where I am free of encumbrances and limitations, and so having my precious mentation dependent on some outside substances feels like a terrible violation.
So starting tomorrow, I will be off the stuff until next Friday night. That gives me most of five days to “dry out” from the stuff and reach some kind of equilibrium. With the Wellbutrin in my system, I don’t need any more stimulation anyhow. And perhaps it will improve my sleep.
Speaking of sleep, interesting development on the dream front. I actually came up with an idea for a comedy skit in a dream. God damn it, I am even funny when I’m asleep.
The idea is for a skit about the “subtle differences” between someone from France and someone from Quebec. The France side of things would be all the stereotypical stuff about art, monuments, refinement, and so forth, and the Quebec side would show toque-wearing Quebec hockey fans drinking beer and yelling at the players and looking just totally rough.
I think it would be a funny piece, and my intention for it would not be to mock Quebec, but instead to highlight how unique Quebec is and how cool and unpretentious Canada is, in general.
I could do a followup about “how to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American”, but that might be a little too easy.
Damned fun, though.
Been thinking a lot about honesty lately. Several weeks ago, a friend told me I was one of the most genuine people he has ever met (awww!), and that idea, of being a genuine person, has been circling in the whirlpool of my mind ever since.
I can’t say I have cultivated this genuine manner deliberately, and I suppose if I had, it would not be genuine at all. Honestly, I think it stems from being somewhat socially clueless, and yet a fairly open and charming person when I am relaxed.
I don’t know enough to conceal who I am, or why I should, or when.
But more than that, I don’t really want to either. I really hate the idea of hiding who I am. From childhood I have been my own person and I instinctively guarded my right to be who I am instead of being who society wanted me to be.
I can see now how that cost me dearly in a social sense. Most people are not comfortable about someone who is entirely themselves because it makes said person unpredictable and weird. It also makes you stand out in a crowd, and the nature of society is that most people don’t want to stand out, or at least, not to the extent to which I have taken it.
They want to blend in. They want to be accepted by the herd. They want to do what they are supposed to do, what is expected of them. I don’t blame these people for this and I certainly don’t look down on them for it. What they are doing is extremely human of them. I’m the outlier, the edge-dweller, the anomaly.
If anything, I find myself envying them and looking back and wondering what my life might have been like if I had been more willing to compromise my ever so precious individuality and blender in with my surroundings just a little better.
There has to be some sensible middle ground between total individuality and total conformity. A happy medium, where you get the benefits of both normalcy and get to keep most of your own individuality.
I am acutely aware of just what it is normal people get from being normal. Their mental worlds are far more safe, solid, and secure than mine. They are not out with us philosophers wandering the wilderness outside walls looking for something new.
They are safe inside the walls, warm and protected. Sure, they might have problems that their small world view cant’s handle from time to time, but at least they can rest from time to time.
Yes, I know what they get out of being normal. I largely deduced it by figuring out what I don’t have.
I am aware of it, but I don’t think it’s for me. I think some of us are born to roam. To go outside the known in search of new dreams, new visions, new truths, that we will then bring back to the herd like a hunter returning from the hunt, and try to use it to help us all, and participate thusly.
It isn’t an easy life. It’s cold out here in the void. And being so different and knowing so much makes it hard for most of the herd to stand you.
But we get by.