That sounds grosser than I intended. Oh well.

I am still feeling this basic deep animal fear. It’s much deeper than my previous feelings of frustration, anger, and restlessness. This seems to be sitting right on my heart, making me freak out.

And yet, this is only part of me. About sixty percent of me is perfectly calm and normal. After all, it’s not like anything has actually changed in my life. If anything, I seem to be doing slightly better than usual lately. I have not had any major stressors, no big life changes, no awful news, not any of that.

But that other forty percent of me continues to feel something like utter terror. Just total fear. And I really don’t know why the heck that is.

I can only assume this is some phase of my recovery. That through the ever-growing process of coming out of the deep dark hole I have been hiding in, I have dislodged a large mass of suppressed fear and I now much process that fear before I can be free.

I have been trying, gently, to get in touch with this force inside me and ask it what it wants, what it needs, and what has it so scared.

So far, all I have gotten is how cold and lonely and frightened it is, and that’s not exactly news. But I continue to try to open the lines of communication.

I have just been suppressing it so far because I couldn’t figure out why it was there or what to do with it. So I just kept on doing as I do and putting this sense of panic on the shelf.

But today, I am ready to face it. Ignoring it certainly won’t make it go away, and it really seems like some deep part of me really has something it wants to say, so it behooves me to sit back and listen.

At some point, you realize that rejecting everything that does not make sense to you is a terrible way to run a railroad, and by railroad, I mean your own soul.

There are things that will never make sense. There are things that will only make sense after you embrace them. There are things that will only make sense many years later.

My recovery will require me, I think, to make peace with that which makes no sense, that which has to be simply accepted for whatever it is without trying to find a logical connection somewhere.

That way madness lies. You can drive yourself insane by trying to make sense of everything. The nature of my type of intellectual, and possibly all intellectuals, is to want to judge all input before we accept it. Things we do not accept do not make it very far into the brain before being turned away.

But that is putting a heck of a lot of faith in one’s bouncers, so to speak. Who knows how much that might have made you happier and more complete god turned away at the door because it didn’t make sense?

Also, a system like that tends to end up being very negative. Almost nobody and nothing gets in, and there you are in the VIP room wondering why you are so hungry and so bored.

It’s because your paranoid security system won’t let anything through. Not unless it already makes sense. And emotions rarely make sense, so you end up extremely alienated from your own emotional being.

And that is never, ever good. The lines of communication between your deep primal self and your more sophisticated adult self have to remain open because that is the only way to have any idea of what the hell is really going on in that dusty sub-basement where all the important machinery lives.

You can try to pretend that all that stuff is not important, but it’s your ass that will be freezing off when the furnace dies and nobody knows how to fix it.

So recovery is, as always, a process of integration. Integrating various parts of myself and making connections between my spirit, my soul, my heart, and my mind.

It is time for all waters to flow into one. That might lead to storms and blizzards in the short term as hot and cold come together, but it is the only way true calm can ever come to this crazy island I have lived on for so long.

Let there be the war to end all wars, if that’s what it takes. I am tired of this restless detente. I am sick of this endless “peace process” that seems to be far more process than peace.

It’s time for that Final Showdown. And no matter who wins… at least it will be over.

Oh right. Today’s video.

Another political speech from yours truly. I am the opposite of unbiased, but I happen to think I am a fascinating and compelling speaker with some really good ideas.

And everything I talk about is so darned interesting to me! What a coincidence.

A lot of what I say in that vid just occurred to me as I was making the vid. I started off simply from the “what is socialism, really?” point of view, just the seed of an idea really, and all the rest grew up organically as I made the video and talked to the camera.

And of course, I mean every word. By the strict American definition, every modern nation is a socialist state. including America, and it seems to have worked out fine so far.

That’s because, of course, liberalism works. Liberals are capable of grasping the complexities of nuances of a modern society and need no ideological shortcuts in order to chop the world down into a version tiny enough to fit in their grape seed sized brains.

Put conservative morons in charge and they loot the place for their rich buddies, make senseless cuts that actually undermine the very capitalism they claim to love, and wreck the joint.

We have to save the world before senile insensate sociopaths destroy it.

And it’s up to us clever folk to do it.