I am getting really tired of this crap.

You know my lifestyle. Play video games and blog. That’s about it. There’s some eating and pooping in there as well, but for the most part, it’s video games and this here blog.

That is just not doing it for me any more. I wanted things to be so much better by now. Instead, getting a tablet has just made it so I hang out in bed all day instead of in front of this computer.

And that’s the opposite of progress, when you think about it. At least in front of this computer, I am upright and alert, and I can chat online with all my furry friends.

On the tablet, chat is possible, but very annoying. It’s hard to type and the apps do not have the features I require, plus there is always a battle between the virtual keyboard and the rest of the chat.

You know. the things people are actually saying.

So I spend all day lounging around in bed playing Android games and wasting my life away. I want to break free of this terrible pattern, but I feel like no matter which way I turn, I only get more and more tangled up in this web of quiet spiritual desolation.

I try to view my life as a life of leisure, where I have the luxury of doing nothing but please myself for most of the day, but that doesn’t work when you life is unrewarding like mine is. It feels a lot less like luxury and a lot more like neglect, and the only person in a position to neglect me is… me. Of course.

I need to break my patterns, and yet I don’t feel strong enough. I feel weak and fragile and raw all over, and to even find the energy to push against the grain seems damned near impossible.

That is the sort of thing that happens to other people, not me. Other people reach crisis points, go through psychological hell, maybe make some bad decisions, but from that chaos comes the energy for transformation, and they emerge from the process stronger and better suited for life.

But me, I am like some kind of primitive pre-Cambrian life form that just barely avoids extinction by being just barely adapted to their environment.

But they have been doing that for hundreds of millions of years. They are adapted well enough to avoid evolutionary pressure to evolve or perish, but not well enough to thrive. Merely survive.

So here I sit, a barnacle on the ship of life, going nowhere, doing nothing but passively absorb nutrients and get a little bigger over the years.

I wanted so much more. But the bus pass thing, that knocked the momentum out of me.

The latest update on that is that it looks like I will have no choice but to do it by mail, which involves buying a money order in the right nameand getting it sent to the right place and all other kinds of extra life competence type things that just seem beyond me at the moment.

Hopefully, I will eventually get my shit together enough to do all that. And then I get to wait a month before getting the goddamned thing. That is the turnaround time on mail order processing.

And I am ashamed to admit it, but knowing that the reward will take that long to arrive makes it harder to get myself motivated to do it.

Regardless, the whole thing has been one big frustrating disappointment, and those have always been the two things that hurt me the worst.

Frustration has been my bane ever since I was a too-stubborn kid who was far too good at not learning things he didn’t feel like learning. I could defy my teachers at will, which our society considers great, all other things being equal. But it actually sucks. It means I never learned a lot of things I might have been perfectly capable of learning, like arts and crafts, or swimming, if I had simply stuck with them and not gotten all frustrated and defiant about it.

Plus, I think that if I had accepted discipline better, or had the right kind of people around to handle a willful kid who is way too stubborn and smart for his own good, then I might not have grown up feeling so alone.

I have wondered where people get this feeling that there is some force out there looking after them. That somehow, it’s not all up to them. That there is something else.

I think discipline is a big part of that. It gives you the feeling that there is someone out there who will stop you from hurting yourself by making bad decisions. This helps you grow up feeling secure.

But for me, there was nobody there. If I made bad decisions, I suffered alone.

As for disappointment, that is even worse. If I get my hopes up about something, it had better happen, otherwise I will be utterly crushed. Disappointment is the one kind of emotion against which I have absolutely no defense. It always damned near kills me, and it always kills my precious motivation.

I think that if I were a healthier person, I would be the sort who did things via waves of inspiration that carry him towards a distant goal.

But the seas of my soul are too shallow and frozen for that. There is only a stale and sluggish tide.

At least I didn’t sleep quite so much today. A lot, but not as much as yesterday. I have been kind of depressed all day, but at least I didn’t sleep through all of it.

Instead, I played video games. Whee. I am really going somewhere in life.

Oh well. Perhaps this is just one of my periods of having the blues, and all I can do is hang around and mope.

Is it too late to become a moody, sarcastic teenager?

Because I think I’m finally ready.