Hello, faithful readers. Today has been a fairly good day, and I wanna tell you about it.

To start with, today was a therapy day. I had a good session. I am growing a little uncomfortable with my therapist’s tendency to tell me about his own life. He doesn’t take a lot of my time to do it, but I still feel things might be getting a little too familiar.

It’s hard for me to say that, because I am by nature a friendly fellow, and I am never keen to set up boundaries between people if it can be helped.

But this one, I should probably set.

Anyhow, other than that, it was a good session. I told him about the emotional crisis I went through Tuesday night. I didn’t mention it in my blog at the time, but Tuesday night was really rough for me. A lot of emotional stuff that had been building for a long time finally came to the boil, and I felt absolutely miserable until I managed to use blogging as a way to express the turbulent and painful emotions roiling inside me./

And all without actually talking about the crisis. Weird. I guess I just really needed to act. Feelings of pointlessness and stupidity and futility were building and my background anxiety levels were burying the needle. Only a matter of time before that pot boiled over and I had to actually, you know, feel things.

Makes me glad that sometimes, suppression fails. Better to have it fail than to have all those emotions turn inward and rip me apart inside.

It’s like how some computer connector cables are signed to come apart (and be easily put back together) if they get tugged on too hard. Better to have to click the thing back together than to have the cable break, or worse, have it damage the jack(s) it’s in.

Everyone needs a safe failure mode. Don’t you think?

So anyhoo, I am glad I had that crisis Tuesday night. I need to have more of those. Or rather, I need to have small ones all the time instead of things having to build up to a crisis point and then kerblooey.

I feel way better now than I did before the crisis. I feel calmer and lighter and like there is a lot more room inside my head with all those emotions gone.

As usual, the blowout doesn’t solve the underlying problem. That’s what therapy is for. A blowout just clears the deck for the time being, it doesn’t keep the same thing from happening again.

So I want to take this whole thing further and used this respite to dig deeper and try to find some of the deep damage that causes all this trouble, and push on it to release the toxins and its pain.

Only then can I heal.

So after said session, we went to Money Mart, and I bought a $45 money order (for $51). The chick ahead of me in line was super torqued about some charge she was getting for cashing her check. Apparently there was a $20 fee that she did not understand or accept, and she was getting pretty worked up at the lady behind the counter over it, and radiating angry vibes like crazy.

The phrase “That’s YOUR karma” was used, which is West Coast for “Fuck you, you evil piece of shit”. As if this charge was the lady behind the counter’s fault! She just does what the computer tells her. She clicks a few clicks and it prints out the charges and she charges them. She can’t decide to skip one. If she did, she would have to either replace the money with her own cash or risk losing her job when she came up short.

And I am pretty sure that a place like Money Mart, where the employees handle tens of thousands of dollars in cash every single day, would be pretty damned strict about that kind of thing.

So yeah, not happy about ending up absorbing that tense and negative crap. If I am around it, I absorb it, I don’t have a choice in that. You begin to see why I am so damned sensitive.

But it’s all good, because I got my money order, stuck it in an envelope with the stub of the invoice, and stuck it in a mailbox.

In other words, I finally sent in my fee for my bus pass, and should be getting my pass in the mail in about a month. The wait will suck, but at least I have started the timer, so to speak.

So that feels good. The whole business with trying to find the Internet pay option and being frustrated at every turn and then thinking I could pay at Money Mart (nope!) took a toll on me in terms of frustration and disappointment, and a previous, weaker version of me would have just lost track of the invoice and given up on the whole thing forever, or at least until next year.

After all, I have done that with so many other things when they got too complicated or stressful for me to deal with. But that didn’t happen this time.

Instead, I worked through all those negative emotions and, in essence, got over it. Tuesday’s crisis probably helped. I gathered the stuff together, made a plan, and executed it, despite what I had been through.

And I am quite proud of myself for that. I got it done. I will get the bus pass. It is really happening.

Maybe there is hope for me yet.

I’m not as broken as I used to be.

My therapist is nudging me towards lowering my Paxil dose from 25 mg to 20 mg. I am open to the idea but I don’t feel quite ready yet. Close, but not yet.

I feel like I am still dealing with the effects of lowering it from 30 mg to 25. In the long run, I am far better off feeling my emotions, no matter how negative, rather than keep them asleep with Paxil.

But in the short term…. well, you have to survive today to get to tomorrow, right?