(Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about Bear and his predicament. But today was a therapy day, and you know what that means. Time to stick a USB connector into my limbic system and press PRINT. )
I talked with my therapist today about my recent brush with thoughts of self-harm and severe depression. I told him about feeling like I lived in a room with unlocked doors yet I still can’t leave. (I guess I am chained to the wall. But I have the key and the chain is made of tissue paper. )
I talkd about feeling like parts of me that have been kept apart by my mental disintegation are now coming into conflict for the very first time. I am going to have to make some decisions about myself. Reintergration cannot be acheived without some form of conflict resolution.
Chief amongst these conflicts is the tug of war between all the latent growth and enthusiasm that has started to surge within me at the prospect of having a bus pass and all that freedom, and the thin but surprisingly strong chain of cold hard fear that is still holding me back.
I feel like I am a big dog tied up in the back yard, straining at the very end of his lead as hard as he can. Something is going to break. Either the collar, or the chain…or the dog.
In a way, this feels like the Final Battle. This is the End Boss. I have defeated the rest of the depression but now I have to get past the hardest, most resistant, most diamond hard part of the blockage inside me that has kept me trapped inside myself (the ultimate claustrophobia) for damn near twenty years.
But that might be part of the problem. The conflict might not need to be so severe. I know that this out of control freedom seeking animal inside me is like a raging river at full flood coming up against the solid brick wall of my remaining depression. If I could just slow that raging river down, maybe the system would rebalance itself without any dire, winner takes all conflict.
Then again, maybe not. Maybe it will take that kind of primal power of unchecked emotion to blast that barrier to pieces.
I don’t know which approach is the right one. It’s a tossup as far as I can see.
But I do know one thing : I don’t FEEL like slowing down. I want this shit RESOLVED. I am very tired of living a tiny lonely life when I have nothing to be ashamed of and am, in fact, a pretty amazing dude.
So I am more than willing to bet it all.
Either the chain goes, or I do,
There is no moderate, reasonable option.
Sometimes you have to stop being reasonable in order to get things done.