So far, Operation Have A Big Ego is working out okay.

Of course, deciding to do it and doing it are two different things. Like everything else, this will be a process. I have a hell of a lot of unlearning to do, and a hell of a lot of new trail to break in this mind of mine.

But the decision to go this route really crystallized when I was explaining it to my therapist yesterday. (Funny how I often figure things out while talking about them. I guess that is what therapy is for, really.)

I told him that I can’t go the sane, logical, restrained middle route. The one where you have a reasonable ego and believe in yourself in the proper, quiet, make sure you’re not a burden on others with your negative crap way. I am increasingly cognizant of the fact that I am a passionate, emotional person, and far from being a weakness, that is the source of my greatest strength and my greatest power.

My enormous crystalline intellect has strength, but no power. It’s fine tools with no hands to use them, it’s a fine automobile with no fuel to fuel it.

The power for my Great Machine can only come from passion unleashed and feelings deeply felt. I want to feel more, do more, care more, and be more.

Abd so I can’t stay in a tidy little ego box any more. I realized that I have been harshly restraining my belief in myself for most of my life out of fear of the manic madness of egomania, and fear of taking responsibility for my inherent power.

I have long wondered why it was so hard for me to truly integrate my observable good qualities into my self-image… why the fact that I have some extraordinary good qualities never seemed to help with my self-esteem.

I see now that I was afraid to face the truth of it. My power scared me and made me feel like I was losing my grip on reality because, despite my intellect, I am a product of middle class society and as such I have no framework, no model for how to deal with the fact that you are extraordinary.

And my mind kept up the illusion by producing an impressive feeling of manic madness whenever I contemplated my strong points. Thought like “I am a god amongst men!” were produced in convincing qualities in order to scare me off of thinking about my strengths. As bad as it is to be depressed, that kind of insanity is utterly terrifying to me.

That is the sort of thing that could cause me to finally lose grip on my connection to reality. Or so I thought.

But now I realize that those thoughts come from the vast temperature difference in my mind, the big insulated wall between my dominant cold intellect and gigajules of latent emotional energy. Of course when you stop holding the ego down, it will immediately leap to the opposite end of the scale… the equal and opposite madness.

But that doesn’t mean it will stay there. In fact, as long as the two sides continue to intermingle freely, the two sides will eventually reach a happy, sane medium once the oscillations die down.

I am beginning to realize that fear of going crazy has been keeping me crazy. A lot of the things that I feared would “finally put me over the edge” are actually things that would be quite good for me in the long run, and the fear of losing my grip has actually been keeping the healing powers of emotional integration do their job.

My emotions can’t destroy me. My emotions are me. The springtime flood from winter’s thaw can’t destroy me, because I am the water as much as I am the banks of the river.

Gee I’m deep.

And as I was explaining to my therapist, I think the only way to thaw myself out inside is with the opposite of depression, elation. Pleasure. Happiness. And I have a great source for strength and belief in myself : I am one amazing dude.

A lot of people would hand me their left eye just to have my wit, or my intellect, or my warmth, or my depth of thought. When you really think about it, it is pretty amazing that anyone can have all of those at the same time.

So what if I am not good at physical, practical things? Compared to my strengths, that is half a pittance and a handful of small change. Lots of famous, important people were clueless klutzes.

And it is by embracing these truths about myself and allowing my ego to rise that I will find the strength and power to not only push back at my depression, but push it over.

And I realize that it is far from politically correct to believe in yourself. We are all supposed to keep our heads down and never ever truly believe in ourselves, and if we do, we are never ever to admit it, for fear of making someone feel bad.

But I think people should feel free to have all the ego they think they can get away with, as long as they are not using that ego to put others down. Belief in yourself can make you a powerfully positive person with abundant energy to share with the world and make others feel better, not worse.

And sure, there is always envy and jealousy and spite. There will be people who will hate you simply because you are obviously quite happy with yourself and are fully aware of your good points, even if you are as good as gold or better and never ever deny anyone else their greatness.

Well to hell with such petty, small, cold little creatures. They are Nietzsche’s fleas of the market, and fear of fleas never keeps the lions of the world from doing as they please.

I am going to follow this ego thing wherever it goes. That does not mean I am going to totally take the brakes off and give myself unlimited license to be an arrogant and dismissive prick. The sweet, kind Fruvous you have known will remain. I am paying very close attention to this process in order to make sure that is true.

But the process will continue, no matter what.