I did something I am very proud of tonight, something that would be utterly mundane and un-noteworthy to a mentally healthy person but for me marks real progress.

I ordered $30 worth of Chinese food. Not because I had to, not because I was sharing it with someone, not because I was rewarding myself for anything in particular, not because it was some sort of special occasion.

Just because I wanted to. Because I felt like it. Because I didn’t feel like having another blah meal of peanut butter and jelly sandwich, junk food, and fruit tonight. I wanted something more fun. So I ordered it, and I got it.

That is a big breakthrough for me. I have spent so long either having no cash of my own (horrible) or not having any I could spare on spur of the moment things (not as bad, but bad) that I can’t remember a time when I could want something and just get it. Just like that. Just because I wanted it.

As a result of such long term deprivation, I have led a very cloistered kind of life. Not just because of my social anxiety keeping me housebound, but because I had a life with very little in the way of physical pleasures.

Like a monk in a cell, I got by with the bare minimum of earthly pleasures and instead dedicated myself to the pursuit of the higher pleasures of the mind and the spirit.

After all, that’s all the Internet can provide.

And the thing about such a cramped little life is that if you are in that tiny little box long enough, it becomes very difficult to adjust to a bigger box.

You’re like an animal who has been caged for so long that even if you give it a much bigger cage, for a long time it just sort of sits there and blinks because it has long since forgotten that anything but that tiny cage was even possible. Their universe shrank to the size of that cage, and this new, bigger world is hard for them to grasp.

So that’s me, all cramped up from keeping myself in a tiny little cage for so long. Part of me, I suppose, is afraid of this brave new financial world. So many possibilities! Option paralysis. And what if I choose the wrong thing? Then I will get hurt! Better to make no choice at all and just sit here like a lump.

But also, I think part of me is afraid to truly believe that I can, sometimes, have what I want now. I can afford things. Not everything has to be planned out down to the last penny (woops, nickel) in order to make sure I make it through the month without going totally broke.

I started today with $500 in my pocket. That has to last me five weeks. (A five week month, yay. ) That means I have $100/week for spending cash. Of which I have spent $30, which means I have $70 to last me till next Wednesday.

For me, that is an absurd amount of money. I will end up spending, at most, $40 of it. So I am doing just fine. My little foray into spontaneity did not sink my financial ship or cause my world to explode into rack and ruin around me.

On top of all that, I have $200 just waiting on my secured Visa to be spent on keen stuff to improve my life. I have been working on a little shopping list for a couple of days now. Here is what I have on it so far :

Tablet to RCA cord. By this, I mean a USB cord to connect my tablet to the RCA inputs of our entertainment system so we have Internet on the big TV again. Not sure what use we will have for it, but it’s still good to have.

Summer weight jacket. I have a truly great leather jacket, but it is way too warm for summer use. I need something more like a windbreaker for use on summer nights.

Wifi signal booster. Because I am SO FUCKING TIRED of the crappy WiFi reception in my room, always cutting in and out. I am determined to find a solution to that, even if it means boosting the signal so hard the people on the ISS can use my Internets.

Microphone(s) for podcasting (lapel mics?). I am still thinking of putting together a crazy wacky podcast in the spirit of Frantic Times, the show that gave The Frantics their start on CBC radio. Skit comedy, but all audio. I am pretty sure I can write stuff like that or modify existing stuff, and at the moment. I am thinking some decent lapel mics for me and my potential cohorts would be the best way to go for audio recording without a lot of technical complications.

I am sure there is a bunch of stuff I want or need that I am forgetting, which is the exact reason I am keeping a list.

Oh, and my tale of tonight’s adventures would not be complete without telling you of the twenty minute fucking saga of getting my food actually delivered.

For some reason, delivery people around here are unfamiliar with the idea of an apartment complex, so whenever I order in, I end up getting this phone call from the deliverer saying they are at my address but they can’t find my apartment.

That is because they are out on Francis street trying to find my place in the one building of this complex that is actually on Francis road. The rest of the buildings are only accessible if you go down this little road here :

Click here to see where I live!

And delivery people can’t get this, which is understandable I suppose, but the problem is I can never seem to describe it to them in a way they understand.

I am very skilled with the English language, but this is Richmond, so…. they are not.

So it took twenty frustrating (and hungry!) minutes of telling the delivery guy that he was at the wrong door again before I got my goddamned food tonight.

It’s good that I have a large reserve of patience and tolerance, otherwise I would have snapped at the guy. But hey, this was no more fun for him than it was for me.

Oh, and get this… the place I ordered from (the Wing Kee) offers free delivery…. but added a $4 “tip” for the driver to my bill. Next time I order from them, I will ask them if I still get the food if I don’t pay this “tip”.

If the answer is “no”, then guess what, that’s a fucking delivery fee and that means you do not, in fact, offer free delivery.

Needless to say, I didn’t tip the driver over and above what had already been tacked on to my bill. Four bucks is plenty for a simple delivery like mine. The fact that I had to practically roll a red carpet up to my door for him to find it did not exactly make me feel extra generous either.

So that was stress I didn’t need. But the food was good, other than a bit of noodle getting stuck between my teeth so hard it took both hands to get it out.

I was gonna talk about this awesome documentary I watched, but that will have to wait. I have babbled on about Chinese food and shopping plans for way too long.

Seeya tomorrow, all you nice people!