Yesterday, Hitler. Today, fascism.

It’s not what you think.

Therapy day, good sessions, etc. But this time I really mean it. I think that today, my therapist and I managed to chase a main component of all my problems into a corner and get a really good look at it.

In a nutshell, the basic problem is that as bad as my interior government is, on some level I feel it keeps me safe. Those harsh barbs of cruel self-judgment, the incredibly restricted, near-invalid (or prisoner) lifestyle, the outsized fears and amplified anxieties, they are all part of the fascist inner system I developed as a child abandoned to the harsh cruel world of the playground when I was far too young to cope with it.

Despite how smart I was.

All of that self-torture is meant, at its root, to keep me safe. Because bad things happened to me when I was so young and because I had absolutely nobody to turn to who could or would help me, the system I developed was quite primitive and relied entirely on avoidance. No fight…. I was outnumbered and wimpy. No flight… I was fat and slow and anyone could outrun me.

That only left hiding, and so I hid. Oh, how I hid. The only safety lied in avoiding detection. You have to fade into your background like you don’t even exist.

And you get so good at it… you start feeling like it’s true. You really don’t exist. And that feeling can get so powerful that it completely blocks out reality and you feel like at any second, you could just disappear. The flame that is your life feels so weak that you worry that at any second it could go out.

Not rational. But still very real.

But it is your own demons who chase you into that deep dark hole you live in, and keep you there with their lashes of self-destructive discipline. They work for you. They are just doing the job you hired them to do, which is to keep you safe by scaring you away from doing anything risky, and punish you for stepping even an inch out of line.

Once you realize this (how did I end up in the second person?), you realize that you could make them stop. You could end this cruel and sadistic inner regime. But you won’t because… what then? You would have to face the world outside your cell without the restrictions imposed by your hyperactive superego. And they are all you know. By doing their job, your demons have kept you from experiencing enough of the world to have some sense of what is really out there.

Instead, you get their propaganda about how awful the world is and how you are better off locked away from it and all the bad, bad things it will do to you.

It’s like your entire existence is The Village.

And so there you are, getting a really good look at your demons for the first time. And for the first time, they are looking back at you. You now know that you are their employer and you can dismiss them any time you want. Even if you decide to keep them where they are for now, punishing and frightening you for your own supposed good, you will have chosen to do so.

Me, I am not sure I am ready to live without them yet. Deep down, I am still very sad and very hurt. Now that I can see my demons as mine, as me, I can see that they have been trying to protect that massive wound in my soul from the stimulus and hence the pain of the outside world.

They did more harm than good. But they meant well. And they were working for you the whole time.

It will take me a while to truly process this revelation, but I feel good about it. I feel that now, I have the option of just turning off the whole complicated machine and going out to find out what the world is REALLY like for myself.

I don’t know if I am ready yet. But I have the option.

On the more physical side of things, there is something up with my left knee. Every time I put weight on it, it hurts, and while the pain is not severe, it is very… worrying. (I am going mad with the ellipses lately. )

It feels very much like bone pain. Bone clicking against bone, bone grinding against bone. I have had broken bones in my life, so I know what bone pain is like, and this feels like it.

My other joints don’t feel right either, especially my knees and elbows. I am worried that I am finally developing the arthritis that is endemic to older fat people, and if so, what the heck I can do about it.

Orthopedic shoes would be a good start. I would do more walking if it didn’t hurt so much. Nothing quite like physical pain to make it hard to maintain your resolve. It is like the universe is conditioning you not to do that.

I have wondered what it would take to get me exercising. I would love to go to a gym with a good Universal (or similar) weight system for me to work out on, assuming it is not too late for that at my advancing age.

And what would it take for that to happen? A ride. At least, a ride there, I could probably bus back. Getting there has always been harder than getting back for me. The walk to school always seemed ten times longer than the walk back.

And the thing is, I might be able to get a ride. I am on full disability now, so I qualify for the HandyDart system of door to door busing for cripples like myself.

So the door is open there. I could totally do it.

I just don’t want to… yet.

Talk to you tomorrow folks!