Not really in the mood to concentrate on one thing tonight, so I will just share bits n’ pieces.
Just had a skit idea : The Relationship Killer, a masked vigilante who shows up out of nowhere to euthanize relationships which have lingered on too long and for which there is no hope for survival.
He could also be called the Angel of Relationship Death.
He would dress like our classic image of Death, but with entirely incongruous hearts here and there, and tiny little black cherub wings. He would show up and people would be like… “No! This relationship still has a chance! It’s too young to die!”
And he would reply (in a deep sonorous voice but with NO SWEDISH ACCENT) with questions to prove to them that the relationship is dead, like “Do you think of each other as good people?” and “If you had to do it all over again… ”
At the end, they would accept his judgement, and he would ceremonially (but also in reality) cut the bond between the people, leaving them neutral strangers to one another and free to get on with their lives.
Damn I am clever.
Speaking of my awesomeness, I am really happy with that political polemic I wrote yesterday. I have never written words of fire with that intensity before.
In fact, part of me (the reserved Canadian part) is a little embarrassed by it, but most of me thinks it is pretty awesome. It’s not perfect, of course, but I came up with a lot of powerful language to get my point across, and if I ever want to be one of those people whose words shape the destiny of humanity (and I do), I will not get there with carefully balanced language that takes everyone’s feelings into account.
It will be by expressing my deeply held beliefs in words that match the power and depth of my convictions. That is a rare thing these days and I think it is something which is badly needed. It is a sign of the political times that a mid-level orator like Barack Obama can seem like a great speaker simply because he expresses ideas well.
But the real people who changed things, like my heroes Martin Luther and Martin Luther King, did so with words that were never focus-grouped for maximum impact or meant to appeal to the widest possible group of people.
They were words of blood and fire that inspired people to change based on both their emotional and their logical appeal. They are words that filled people with a belief in change that saw them through the hard times that come from trying to shake up the pyramids our oppressors squat atop.
It is impassioned articulacy that changes things. Words that stir them from their complacency and place before them a vision of a better world that they can believe in.
And it inspires the people to keep demanding change until they get it, no matter how long it takes.
(WARNING : The following passage contains content relating to the solitary sex life of a big fat hairy gay dude in his forties. Reader discretion is advised. Feel free to ignore this section, or fap to it, or whatever. )
So I finally bought a sex toy.
Nothing too exotic, just a big purple dildo with a handle that is sort of like anal beads. I haven’t tried it yet, in fact it is still in its packaging, but I am just happy I finally goddamned well did it.
I have come close to doing it many times, but was always defeated by a combination of cowardice, laziness, and most of all, crushing option paralysis because there are just so many possibilities.
Seriously. The sex toy industry is enormous. There are just so many toys to choose from! So this time, I just went to the anal sex section of the Amazon.ca sex toy department (bet you didn’t know they had one) and picked the first thing that seemed appealing and inexpensive.
I figure, if it doesn’t work out, I am only out $10, and it will make a fabulous conversation piece to whip out at dull parties. “You said I could bring my boyfriend, well here he is. I call him the Purple Peter Eater. ”
I did buy one sex toy previous to this one, but let’s just say it was not the right fit. This new toy is much better suited to the job and I have to admit I am really enjoying just looking at it and thinking of the possibilities. \
Didn’t order lube tho, duh. Oh well. I will be gentle with myself.
Speaking of both my sexual proclivities and ordering errors, another thing that arrived in the same package was a six foot USB extension cord that I have needed for like forever.
But get this : it turns out that what I ordered was male/female, when what I really needed was male/male!
The innuendo writes itself, doesn’t it? In the same box as my new purple friend was something that should have been male/male. That’s the sort of thing where a comedy writer like me just stands back and lets it stand on its own.
It take a master to realize when something is perfect on its own and any attempt to add to it would be pointless.
Oh emm gee, I just realized : what I need is a male to female converter.
Or female to male, but the other one sounds better.
Oh right… and the last thing in that box was this neato keen new toy.
Get this : it turns hard candy into cotton candy! And it works with sugar free hard candy (which is most of it these days) and therefore will make sugar free cotton candy that I can eat guilt free.
Not only that, because it works with any sort of hard candy, I can make cotton candy in any flavour that hard candy comes in, and that covers a wicked huge amount of ground.
Talk about the perfect toy for a diabetic fat boy! I will be making new flavours of cotton candy for months!
I just wish I had remember to buy myself some sugarless Werther’s Originals or the like when I was at Safeway earlier. Oh well, perhaps they included some with the machine.
I am off to play with my new toy.
Which one? I will leave that to your imagination.
Talk to you tomorrow, folks!