Life gets complicated sometimes.
I am sitting here in Denny’s because Joe has an appointment with HIS therapist in Vancouver at 11 pm. That makes it a little tricky for him to get me to MY therapist here in Richmond at noon. So the best we could do was get me to the Denny`s near my therapist at 10:30, where I can blog and enjoy a leisurely breakfast before strolling over to my therapist at 11:30.
Spendinh an hour in Denny`s in order to avoid having to get to my therapist by myself… sounds about right.
But I am not unaware of how another person`s priorities might beg to differ. After all, the same bus pass that will get me home could have gotten me there, and I could have avoided the need for Denny`s entirely and even gotten another hour of sleep in the comfort of my own home.
But I still need a running start at life. I still need that little bit of extra boost in order to get going. I can`t escape my own gravity well without it.
And I have always found coming home easier than getting there. Getting there, the unknown (aka “there”) is still before me and who knows when I will get to scurry home to my nest?
But coming home, the nest is the goal and every moment brings you closer to it. Even when delays and complications arise, I know that I will be home when it is all done, and I will be able to fall apart ad be myself at long last.
There is probably a metric shitload of insight into my problems in that last sentence up there.
I am a little stressed out right now because my all-important life-giving check has yet to arrive. It was supposed to arrive yesterday. Julian`s notice of direct deposit did. And we checked the mail on the way out today, and nope. No assistance cheeck. Damn it.
But I am not totally screwed, as my $75 tax return check from the Federal Gubmnt did show up. So I will not be broke. I had to borrow $20 from Joe in order to pay for Denny`s, and Money Mart will charge me a couple bux to cash my check, but that leaves me with $50 to play with until this whole thing gets sorted out for good.
Glad I finally got around to doing my taxex. That is the only reason that I am not in a far more tenuous position. So… yay me for finally getting around to doing my taxes six months late!
Better latent tban never, I guess.
Tomorrow, it will be exactly one week until the start of Vcon. Right now, honestly, I would rather not. That is completely normal for me. Before any occasion where I have to leave the nest, I will go through at lease one period where the ill part of me will have its little tantrum and kick and scream about how it doesn`t wanna go and how we could totally get away with skipping it and just stay home and wait for it all to be over.
But that road leads only to disappointment and self-loathing. If I missed Vcon for any reason that doesn`t involve hospitalization, I would hate myself for it forever and be beating myself up over it for years.
So, no. I choose life. I want to live life, not hide from it. I am fed up with waiting for life to come find me while at the same time fleeing from it as fast and as hard as I can,
It is never going to catch me. I am just too fast.
Well that is it for the on the road portion of today`s blog entry.
More from me later!
Well today sucked.
First, here’s the video. For once, it’s actually relevant to the blog entry.
Wow, don’t you love how accurately I have recreated the “shakycam” look of today’s hottest media?
The mystery of the missing message from my therapist has not yet been solved. The current theory is that he called the phone number for our previous place. But that is a long shot, because I gave him our current number and he wrote it down and everything. So unless he goofed, or maybe he had an old version of my contact info with him at home (he is sick, after all), the mystery doth remain.
I know Joe would have fessed up instantly if it had been him who listened to the message, deleted it, and then forgot to tell me. It’s still possible that Julian did it, but unlikely, as he is a very conscientious person and would have gone to great lengths to make absolutely sure I got the message.
He’d use skywriting, if that was necessary.
So I dunno where this message went. But it was a rather important one and I really, really wish I had gotten it before I embarked upon this epic damned journey.
But I must confess : some of the day’s distress was my own darn fault because I both forgot to take my morning medications at home and forgot to take them with me, so when I was sitting there in the waiting room of my therapists’ office finding out he was not coming in, I was at my most chemically unguarded state.
And the pills were at home, so I had to make the journey home without them, and I sure felt the difference. Everything seemed so much harder without Wellbutrin to buoy me up.
Luckily, after I got home, took the pills, and got a little rest, I felt two whole tons better and I am back to my perkier, happier, more interested in the world self.
I will just chalk up today as one of those days when the forces of nature and fate collude to fuck with me in a way that amuses them with how improbable it is, and ignore it.
Paying attention to it only encourages it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.