Well, early for me, anyhow.

First, an update from last night’s video : the psych meds issues had been resolved. I looked around and found an old bottle with a bunch of my meds in it, from before I got my pill box. So I am covered for another week or so, plenty of time for me to get to my therapists’ office and get prescribed more.

It’s a relief to be able to go back to worrying about my cheque, my health, my life, my prospects, and my anxieties.

Today. I have the prospect of going to a bag-stuffing party (fandom has such fun stuff in it) for Vcon. That’s where Vcon people get together to put together the swag bags people get along with their convention badges. You know, the one with your con book and other stuff in it.

I could go. I could totally go. Joe and Julian are going and I am welcome to tag along. And it might be a lot of fun. I love stuff like that. Simple little orderly tasks like that make me happy. Everyone takes one thing that has to go in and you just pass the bag down the line, everyone putting in their thing, and before you know it, you have stuffed a whack of bags.

I love that whole “many hands make light work” kind of thing. And it’s no small task. Vcon is not a big convention but it still gets hundreds of attendees. But I bet when everyone is chatting and doing their own very simple little task, the time just flies past and you have both had a good time and gotten something tangible done.

And that just never stops being amazing and wonderful to me. It is a perfect system in its own way. Things get done and people have fun doing them, with no stress or hassle and a system that practically runs itself.

That is quite honestly my ideal for all human endeavour. A relentless optimizer like myself, if I was king of the world, would not rest until every job is like that. People working together in efficient, elegant, nearly invisible systems that work so well that people can just relax, do their individual task in comfort and ease, and have faith that their work will be both effective and recognized. A system that is firmly on their side.

So this bag stuffing party is a possibility for me. But as usual, my social anxiety is resisting the idea. So I don’t know if I will go or not. And I don’t have super long to make up my mind, either, as the party starts at like 1 pm, so we would be leaving here no later than 12:30 pm. And it’s almost 9 am now.

And I need more SLEEP.

So I dunno if I will go. I don’t really feel up to it, but that’s not necessarily a prerequisite. It’s not like staying home all afternoon will be super fun. Either way, I will be going out to dinner with La Gang tonight anyhow, so it is not like this is my only chance to get out of the house. I would probably have a good time if I went. It is the sort of thing which is good for me to do to expand my comfort zone. But I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself to go as that is counterproductive.

And so forth and so on. I will go or I won’t. Both are fine.

You know what? It’s complicated being me. I get so tired of being myself sometimes. No wonder I spend so much of my day pretending to be a fox. It is way easier.

Plus, online roleplaying is the only way to turn yourself entirely into a product of your own imagination, at least until we all live in VR or can change our bodies at will via nanotech. Even then, I would prefer text in a lot of ways. You have full control over your words, at least if you are as verbal as I. Text based roleplaying lets me write myself, which is, in a way, the dream of all writers. Overwrite the hand dealt you by the cold unfeeling hand of fate and turn yourself into a creature of your own design, with a persona ergonomically designed to fit your inner self perfectly.

Custom tailored personae, cut to fit. You don’t leave the store unless you are happy with your suit. All work guaranteed.

I do wonder, though, what life would be like if I did not have Fruvous to use as a very helpful disguise to wear at the nonstop masquerade ball that is online furry roleplaying. Would the lack of an outlet for my personality have driven me to go out into the world and meet and greet people and develop a wider social life? Or would I have just been even more miserable and alone and have ended up a permanent resident of a psych ward somewhere?

Hard to tell now because I have had/been Fruvous for so long that it is hard for me to remember what life was like before him. Not happier, that I can tell you. As him, and before him Farmboy, I developed socially at a pace far exceeding anything beforehand. It’s sad but true. Online RP was in many ways the perfect “safe” place for me to try out new things and basically do the sort of social experimentation and growth that normal people do in high school.

Feh… normal people. What do they know? Besides how to be happy, that is.

It’s far too late to go back, of course. The whole thing is deeply integrated into my social psyche now. If I couldn’t hang out with my furry friends online, I would go nuts. There is no way I could find a group of people as much like me anywhere else in the world. I would have to like, learn to relate and stuff.

Perish the thought.

I will talk to all you nice people again tomorrow.