I spend a lot of my day as a lazy puddle.

Metaphorically speaking, of course. I’m not Odo. But it has occurred to me recently that this need I have to spend some of the time unstructured, unbounded, and unfocused is part of what is holding me back.

Of course, everyone needs downtime. But my downtime is different. I’m such a jellyfish that my downtime robs me of all internal structure. And frankly, I spend a hell of a lot of my life with nothing but downtime.

Even as a kid, even at school, it was mostly downtime. Paying attention to what the teacher was saying never took all my attention, or even most of it, or even half of it. Teachers talked slowly and carefully (from my point of view) and repeated themselves a lot so that all the kids could keep up. The actually new information content was low.

When new information did come along, I paid closer attention. But there was still always part of me that was bored and restless and metaphorically staring out the window. Often, I could get whatever the teacher was going to teach out of the textbook, and I could read a hell of a lot faster than they could talk, so my mind could mostly drift off while leaving just a little fragment behind to monitor for new content.

So while school provided structure to my day, it did not really provide structure to my mind. I never had to learn to focus and bear down in order to get through school. I never had to learn to study, never had to cram for a test, never had to sweat out an exam or bust my balls to complete an assignment.

It was all too easy for me. I really wish someone would have taken the time to figure out how to challenge me. Or even teach me to challenge myself. Instead, I just drifted, formless and directionless, a wispy cloud floating through the sky of life.

And of course, like any ignored child, there was no structure to my alone time either. And I had lots of alone time. By the time I was in third grade, I didn’t even have chores to do any more. Nobody could be bothered to give me any. My mother just did everything herself, most of the time in a zombie-like state of her own.

And as luck would have it, I was never the sort of person whose natural inclinations lead them to the sort of all-absorbing hobbies that force one to plan and focus and stuff just to succeed.

The closest thing I had to that was video games. Some games require a certain amount of focus to finish, and they all require persistence, but then again, they are designed to be inherently rewarding as well. You get a lot of reward for comparatively little effort, and that doesn’t exactly prepare one for life.

I suppose that, if the powers above me like my teachers and my parents gave me any thought at all, they figured I would be just fine because I was so bright. How could anyone that smart do anything but go on to conquer the world?

But as I am discovering, we are so much more than our minds. I needed so much guidance, so much encouragement, so much just plain attention. I was locked off in a world of my own, alone. All I needed was for someone to take an interest. But I was too much for anyone to handle and not the sort of person to force the job on anyone.

College was somewhat better. I got real friends, friends who treated me like an equal, and the lectures had much higher information content and much less repetition. And for the most part, I liked my professors and liked the course work.

But then my parents pulled the plug on that, and then I went into the worst kind of unstructured state : unemployment. There is nothing like having literally no money in order to keep you home and formless. Sure, my basic needs were taken care of. But I had absolutely nothing to do all day but passively entertain myself. Bools, television, and video games. My evil friends.

Soon after, depression came along to complete my dissolution. And changes of location helped nothing. Wherever I ended up, I was the same sad recluse, shut off from the world by the walls of depression, locked in a prison of my own design.

The only thing that truly led me out of it was my decision to write a million words in a year. That got me into the habit of writing, and to this day it is the writing I do every day that is the only thing that keeps me together. When I have something to do, especially something like this blog which is also a vital route to self-expression.

Soon, I will be entering the NaNoWriMo stage of my year, and I will be able to really pour myself into my writing. It says something about my lack of structure, though, that I need this kind of event in order to spur me into doing something I known damned well will make me happy.

I still need encouragement, guidance, structure, and the occasional kick in the ass to keep me going. Even with making a video and a blog entry a day, I still spend a lot of my time just fucking around, distracting myself and burning through the hours of my life like I was going to live forever and hating myself for it, but feeling helpless to escape it.

I can pull myself together for certain things, but the rest of the time, I am a puddle of nothing that shines bright but has neither shape nor purpose.

And I don’t really want to fall apart any more. I want to be solid and real, like everyone else.

I just… need time to learn how to do it.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.