This one’s not going to be easy. basically, I lost in love.

Over the last month or so, I was in a online relationship (or so I thought) with a furry named Dashy. We would hang out on furry IRC, cuddling and chatting and etc via text, and he really seemed to be into me, and I was increasingly into him.

I’m shy, so for me, it takes longer.

And he was very sweet, and supportive, and cuddly, and told me how great I was, and I was all cute and snuggly and funny and fun for him, and everything seemed nice. It wasn’t really much more than dating (with benefits), but I thought we had connected.

He even invited me to his own little IRC channel, where I met some other nice gay male furries. It was keen. I was even having some “maybe in the future” type thoughts.

Then last night, he tells me that he and this other furry I won’t name because he’s very sweet (and young) are now considering themselves “mated” in the furry fandom, but he would still love to have virtual text sex with me, with said other fur watching approvingly even, and maybe I could even be part of his little harem of other fuck buddies as well.

Admittedly, he phrased that last bit differently.

Needless to say, this did not go over well with me, in fact, I got super fucking pissed and I let him know it. And he had no idea what a goddamned landmine he stepped on because for all my sweet and snuggly ways, I am a poisonous fucking bitch when I am aggrieved, and I raked him over the coals (emotionally speaking) with my outrage and my verbal skills.

So he got to find out what happens when you piss in my fire. I told him that I knew that he knew what he was giving up. I told him that I would still be his friend, but never more. That I would be there, but eternally out of reach. I told him that he had known the warmth of my hearth and he would never know it again.

In fact, it was me who broke off contact because I was feeling physically sick of him. He led me on. He never promised me anything, of course, but he acted like he was really into me and that maybe there was a future for us. And to his credit, he admitted that he had basically lied to me via action, and he did feel bad about it.

But I was not, and am still not, in a forgiving mood. Dashy got to see a side of me that very few people have ever seen, and I am not in the least ashamed of it. He deserved the full brunt of my shockingly potent ire (well, shocking unless you have known me a while) and if anything, I feel like he got off too easily. He trifled with my emotions and I deserve better.

Especially since, as the title of this blog entry suggests, this shit has happened to me before. Many times.

When I was far newer to the whole online furry thang (don’t ask me how long ago that was, the answer would depress me), this exact scenario happened to me over and over and over.

I would meet a guy, he would seem really into me and like he really enjoyed my company and appreciated all I had to offer, and it would really seem like things were going somewhere, and then one day, out of the blue, he’d tell me he found someone really wonderful and they were mated now, or that oh gee, did I forgot to mention that I am already in a committed relationship?

But I bet you and my current boyfriend would get along really great together and we can all be one big happy triangle!

Yeah bullshit. That’s your selfish “I can have everything” dream. Here in reality, I am not your fucking toy.

And the thing is, back when I was younger and more clueless and much worse at sticking up for myself, I not only feel for this, I fell for to the point of moving all the way from Prince Edward Island to the West Coast of the USA to be someones “add on mate”.

First to Portland, then to Silicon Valley, I uprooted my entire life and went to live with some guy whom I knew already had a boyfriend or mate or whatever. I am not sure what the hell I thought was going to happen. But both times it did NOT work out (for one thing, I couldn’t work legally) because as it turns out, you don’t end up with a neat little triangle, you end up with a Y, where one person has two boyfriends and the other two have half a boyfriend each.

So I learned my lesson (eventually) and mow I will not even go there for a heartbeat. I now know that when it comes to romance, I demand absolute monogamy. Sexual monogamy means nothing to me, but I need to be the only one in my man’s heart, because he will be the only one in mine. when it comes to romantic love, I do not share.

And if that means forcing someone to choose, so be it.

The insane thing is, because this sort of thing has happened to me a bunch before, I feel extremely aggrieved and indignant that it happened again. And kind of stupid too, like I should have seen it coming.

Oh well. There is just something about me that makes people like me but not actually want me, not for keeps anyhow. Maybe I am boring. Maybe I just seem like too much work. Maybe I am just too accommodating and easy to get along with and people just don’t value me as a result.

I’m still going to put my heart out there, though. I’m 41 and I want a Man of Life, dammit.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.