Now, obviously, nearly all of us would prefer not to be murdered. Most people, given the choice, prefer living to dying, plus there’s always the chance that being murdered will leave an appalling mess of some kind and nobody looks good like that.

I mean really, who wants the “last impression” they leave on the world to be their dismembered carcass? And closed casket funerals are so very declasse.

But while the odds of getting murdered are extremely low (seeing as the number of people who get murdered at all during their lives is smaller than the number of Mensa Republicans), thoughtful people plan for all contingencies, especially if, due to some basic misunderstandings of your unique personality, you have through no fault of your own become a little murder prone.

If you see what I mean.

So offered here are some very simple precautions one can make to make sure that whoever ends up actually doing one in gets caught and punished and made to wear extremely unflattering prison attire for the rest of their natural lives.

(Full disclosure : While I lack what would be called “credentials” or “expertise” or “qualifications” according to a narrow interpretation of the word, I have watched so many hours of mystery and crime procedural shows that I think I know just a little bit more than the average citizen about the subject. This is the knowledge I am pleased to share. )

1. Prepare and properly store a DNA sample of yourself

When some small-minded person can not longer stand your scintillating uniqueness and decides they simply have to do you in, or they won’t be able to sleep at nights, the first thing the police will want is a sample of your DNA to compare to things.

Sometimes this can be obtained from everyday objects like unwashed clothing, tooth and hair brushed, and high powered marital aids, but the thoughtful person does not leave such things to chance.

So the first order of business is to obtain a DNA sample of oneself. There are many ways to do this, but I personally find that simply wearing a MaxiPad under each arm for a fortnight is the easiest and most straightforward.

Next comes storage. Your initial instinct will be to seal this precious specimen in an airtight container.

DO NOT DO THIS.

Turns out that while popping your DNA into a heavy duty Ziploc bag will keep it fresh for a certain time, after a while your precious specimen will begin to degrade and will eventually become no longer viable.

And after all, it might be years and years before your eventual assassin gets around to killing you (people are so lazy these days) and we have to plan for the long term.

Instead, store it in a paper bag someplace cool and slightly moist. This lets your specimen breathe and gives it the small amount of moisture it needs to keep going.

Oh, and above all, LABEL IT CLEARLY. You don’t want the police to find it and then throw it away because they assume it’s just the product of a bizarre fetish. Clearly write your name, telephone number, and the words “This is a specimen of my DNA to be used by police when I have been murdered” on it. I strongly suggest you use a medium-thick Sharpie.

2. Stick to an extremely rigid and inflexible routine.

This might seem like a bit of a sacrifice, but it will be worth it to know that if you deviate from it even in the slightest, people will immediately suspect foul play and alert the authorities. This will, of course, speed the course of justice by giving it a head start in solving the crime, and will also send a strong message to potential murderers that if they entire to release you from this mortal plane, they had better be prepared to really do their homework.

3. Make friends with your local police

This is a good idea for everyone, but a particularly good idea for people who, for whatever reason, suspect they might have caused a person or two to hate them with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

It is not a hard thing to do to get on the good side of your local law enforcement officers. Good coffee and high quality baked goods, delivered regularly, usually does the trick. Sure, this will be more expensive that a trip to Tim Horton’s for a party pack if Timbits and a six pack of double doubles, plus you will have to find the chic bakery in your town that does regular food in a really top notch way, but this is justice for your untimely demise, so it’s worth going the extra mile.

And while this tack might not make the police entirely fond of you (they may also fail to grasp your uniqueness), they will at least miss you when you are gone and they are forced back into the world of low end desserts.

4. Make sure there are witnesses

There are many ways of doing this. You could cultivate a wide variety of friends and make sure to have a social calendar so jam packed with activities that your killer can never find you alone long enough to get away with it. You could up the ante by inviting alert and trustworthy people with good memories to live with you. And you could pack your home with so many video cameras that stream directly to the Web and the Cloud that there is literally not one square inch uncovered, and then walk around naked at random intervals to insure that there is always someone watching.

These are but a few suggestions for making sure your inevitable assassin gets the ugly clothing and prison rape that they so very richly deserve. I am sure that, as one scintillatingly unique person to another, that given the basic idea you will no doubt come up with many more ideas on your own.

Good luck, and may you have a long and healthy life until they finally get you.

And I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.