Feeling low right now. Sort of sleepy, kind of tense, and suffused with a feeling of cold, hanging weight.

Didn’t end up baking last night. In fact, last night went sort of… weird. I found myself in on of my dissociative states where I feel like nothing is real and I am only barely hanging on to existence myself.

Those don’t bother me nearly as much as they used to, because I know it’s just a feeling and it will pass. But it leaves me little choice but to retreat further into myself and that is never a good thing.

So I ended up playing an Android game for two and a half hours straight. It’s not even that great a game, it’s just that when I am in that kind of mood, it is very easy for me to fixate on something small and rewarding and put my energies into it while shutting out the rest of the world.

And that is how I survived that particular mood storm. Dunno what comes next, but whatever it is, I will get through it okay.

Today me and Le Gang will be going to ABC Country Kitchen for supper. Hopefully exposure to fresh air and the caffeine from the Diet Coke I drink will help perk me up and feel more alive, because right now, I feel an inadequately animated corpse and all I really want to do is crawl back into my grave for another century or two.

Yup, I am really really sleepy. I got a normal amount of sleep, but my body wants more. And it can’t have it. When I am done with my words for today I will have to get a shower and get dressed, and by the end of that, it will probably be 3:30 pm and we will likely leave for supper at like 4:30 pm or 5 pm at the latest.

Nor enough time for a nap.

But we will see how I am doing after supper. Odds are I will have actually filled my sails with wind by then, and I will feel up to going to the BCSFA meeting afterwards.

But if not, I will come back home and get some sleep and hang out with Le Gang when they get back from the meeting. I don’t like missing the meetings because they are usually quite enjoyable, with all us fans having wide ranging intellectual discussions peppered with anecdotes and goofiness. My kind of party.

But it may come to that. Of course, my inner drill sergeant is yelling “It doesn’t matter what you feel! Do it anyway!”. And I do want to encourage that voice as much as I can because it could do me a lot of good.

However, I do have legit medical conditions and I suppose I can’t always override them. Although who knows. Maybe those are false limitations and if I just powered through them, they would crumble like sandcastles before the incoming tide.

And I haven’t done all my little health checks yet either. For one thing, due to a recent cold snap (and someone turning my room’s thermostat down without telling me, grr) I have both my windows closed. Could be that part fo why I am feeling crappy is that the air is stale in his little box of mine and I need to punch some holes in the top.

Resisting sleepiness has always stressed me out. I am just not used to having so much of my mental capacity drained away and I get freaked out and kinda paranoid. It would be so easy to just give in to the desire to sleep and it is so hard to stay awake that it does quite a number on my emotional state. Makes me feel very strained.

And of course, it gets ten times worse once I lose the option of falling asleep. Once I am out and about in the world, I can’t just flop into bed and snooze any more. I have to stay awake, and I end up bouncing off the barrier I have had to erect between me and sleep over and over again.

I remember going through this in my school days. I am pretty sure I have never even fallen asleep in class, but I have come damned close. I would be almost asleep then I would jerk myself awake, and feel all paranoid and conspicuous.

In a way, I wish I had just said “Fuck it” and gone to sleep those times. Other people do it and it doesn’t wreck their lives. It just turns into an amusing story of an embarrassing moment.

I doubt I would have gotten away with sleeping for long, though, as I snore. Plus I always sit up front because I want to be able to read the board/slides/video/whatever, and because I like to ask questions (sometimes specifically to keep myself awake), and because it keeps me from feeling too claustrophobic.

So falling asleep in the front row would not have gone well. Imagine seeing a student snoring in the front row of a class you were teaching. You would feel pretty insulted, even if part of you might understand that the student didn’t do it on purpose and might have a very good reason for being that sleepy.

I would totally be the kind of teacher who made a show out of waking those people up. Gently…. but with the whole class watching and hearing my shtick.

“Ding Dong! This is your The Middle Of My Class wakeup call. ”
“Hey, wake up! Today’s lesson is way too awesome to miss! Of course, I might be biased. ”
“You are dreaming that you are flunking the next quiz in this class because you fell asleep. You wake to find that IT WAS NOT A DREAM! But wait…. is there still time to change your fate? Yes. Yes there is. ”

I would definitely be the kind of teacher you either love or loathe.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.