Feeling kinda meh right now.

It’s no mystery why. I have been diet cola, and hence caffeine, free for two days. When I did my shopping at 7-11 on Sunday night, I only got two bottles of Diet Coke, figuring that I already had a lot to carry and by the time I ran out, which was Wednesday, that week’s budget would “officially” be available and I would not have gone over it.

Going over budget fills me with guilt and fear.

And so I knew I would run out, and figured that when Wednesday rolled around, I would just “have to” go get more.

Edna Crabappel : “Ha!”

So I have been sans artificial stimulation for two days. Normally, when I am writing to all you wonderful people, I am experiencing a (usually quite pleasant) caffeine buzz from the diet cola I had with supper, and that, shall we say, helps get the words out of my brain and onto your monitors.

But alas, no such boost is aiding me tonight. Last night I had the second half of my con report to do, and that more or less writes itself in the sense that it has a natural, easy “timeline” format and all I have to do is write down my memories and impressions of various panels and events.

I didn’t even have to remember which events I attended. It was all there in my pocket guide, in which I had circled the events which I planned to attend. Easy.

But tonight, I am back to the “free range” writing I usually do, and without caffeine, I am feeling sluggish, lazy, and self-indulgent, like a spoiled cat.

Oh well, I have blogged under worse conditions. I have blogged when I was sick, when I was in a lot of pain, when I was so sleepy I could barely focus my eyes, and even if I somehow become totally paralyzed, I swear I will learn to blog by blinking.

I write, therefore I am.

I have said the before, but it recurs. I look back at my life before I had the tentpole of daily blogging to hold everything up, and I wonder how the hell I endured it. Spending the whole day just on video games and fucking around on the Internet seems like an intolerable nightmare to me now. It would be a form of torture if I had to do that now.

Heck, even now, I find myself getting very bored with the usual crap I do when I am not writing. I find myself growing impatient, restless, and ready to gnaw my arm off to get out of my cage and find something to DO.

And I am loving it.

Well, okay, maybe not exactly loving it. But I am happy it is there and eager to foster that feeling. It’s exactly the kind of energy I need right now. The kind of deep down drive that demands action or else.

If I can keep this growing pressure contained, channeled, and focused, it will force me out of my dry, limp complacency and push me out into the world, or at least outside of my all too cozy little cage.

The convention filled me will the energy of positive human interaction. At the convention, I could be more open, more broad, more lively person than the fading phantom behind this here keyboard, and I desperately need that kind of heat in my life to melt the ice around my heart and let me be free.

Heck, it was that wave of energy that pushed me to both get my taxes done AND reapply to VFS.

I have also created a fresh student loan application online. Everything is there except for the Appendix Three stuff, which is the part that VFS fills out IF they accept me.

They would be fools not to, but they have been fools once before.

Reapplying was…. bizarrely simple. I just logged into my account on their website and bing, there I was on the “thank you for submitting an application” page. With the correct dates on it and everything.

That seems a tad presumptuous to me, but what the heck, it saved me a lot of work. My previous application almost got me in (thanks a lot, Ian) so it must be pretty good.

So all lies in readiness. I am hoping VFS will call soon. I hope I am not too late for the May session, as waiting till September would kinda suck.

But better September than never, right?

So I have done what it takes to get my life moving again. And that kept me going through Monday and Tuesday. But now I am out of important and purposeful actions to take and I am back to that growing boredom.

Oh… and I haven’t been baking lately either. I ran out of flour and Splenda a while ago, and I lack the financial security to buy more after paying for the convention, so it’s been a no baking zone around here for a couple of weeks now.

If I get “ahead” financially, I will buy more before my next check. If not, it will have to wait.

Possibly for a long long time. I have noticed that I have a lot more energy since giving up the baking. Presumably, not stuffing myself with baked goods after every meal has made my carb count go way down.

So I miss the taste but…. if I resume baking, I will have to show more restraint with consuming the results.

Maybe I will just make Saturday night my Baking Night. Bake a couple of things and stop. Then be forced to make that amount of dessert last the week.

Baking a thing a day was definitely too much. I had to stuff my face just to keep up!

Or maybe I will start doing some entirely new thing. Ya never know with a crazy artist type like myself.

But no matter what I do, I know one thing will remain constant :

I am fabulous.

And I will talk to all of you nice people again tomorrow.