It’s like maddening, only badder.

Well, today sucked too. Slept most of the day, felt like absolute crap while awake, feeling both ill and depressed. I still feel tired. And I have a very strong urge to hide from reality.

I have gone back to seeing time as the enemy. I want to escape it. I want to fast-forward my life so I don’t have to put up with myself any more. No more time to fill. Just the stuff I like and that makes me feel at least a little alive, all the time.

That is probably behind the sleepiness, at least in part. It is hard to fight your body’s physical depression and stay awake when, not very deep down, you don’t want to.

So I am struggling to find my inner core of vitality that can reignite my pilot light and get me moving again.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, the day I hope to turn into my White Spot day. I am hoping to have the energy for it gathered by then. Or at least the will, which is better than energy. Energy comes and goes like weather. Will supersedes the need for energy and keeps you going even when energy deserts you.

So we will see. I technically have no other errands, and so this would be my first time going to White Spot just to go to White Spot instead of doing it on the way home (ish) from something else.

I want to go. But a little voice in my head keeps saying “Why waste the money when it is so much easier to stay in and be comfortable and relaxed?”

I hate that fucking voice. That’s the voice of everything that is wrong with me, the voice that undermines my attempts to get my rear in gear and do something with my life because doing nothing is so much easier.

After all, nothing bad can come from doing nothing, right? I’ll be warm, clothed, sheltered, calm, and I will have the whole Internet for entertainment. So why change anything?

It’s an evil voice. But sometimes, it’s hard not to listen. I guess that’s what keeps that voice alive.

I have a few theories (of course I have theories) as to why life sucks extra hard for me right now.

1. It’s the usual

This is just the usual ebb and flow of my health and moods. Sooner or later, I will catch up on sleep and I will no longer have the urge (or even the capacity) to sleep my life away. I just have to hang in there and wait for the bad weather to pass.

This theory is plausible, and may even be the most likely. Certainly, you fine upstanding readers of mine know I have been in this position many times before. I sleep a lot, I feel lousy, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, I come up with theories, share them with you wonderful folk, and nothing really comes of it. I get better, I forget about it for the most part, and sooner or later, I am back in the same spot.

But this time feels different. Maybe it is just that I am more aware of it because I have lessened the paralytic fog of depression in me via therapy and whatnot (that reminds me, I’m out of whatnot). It could be that I am making a big thing out of nothing more than the ordinary in myself.

But maybe not.

2. It’s the season

Specifically, the pollen count. Last night I had an allergy attack that led to other symptoms exactly as my theory that my “hay fever” launches a body wide inflammatory response.

Stage 1 : Sneezing. I sneeze. Perfectly normal every day sneezes. Annoying but not painful. I sneeze around a dozen times.

Stage 2 : Headache. I get a sinus headache that starts minor but rapidly because very serious. My whole head feels like it is going to explode from the pressure and my sinuses throb with hot intense pain. And I know that is not the worst to come…

Stage 3 : Nausea. Suddenly it feels like everything in my digestive system has turned to concrete. This makes the contents back up into my stomach like a clogged storm drain and hence the nausea. Also, by now my head hurts enough that I am suffering pseudo-heat stroke and that makes me nauseous as well.

But my mother and I both have strong nausea resistance (dunno why) so I don’t throw up, but I do feel pretty damned miserable for an hour and change. And that is just the primary effect.

Who knows what else was going on in my body due to that strong histamine reaction? Maybe that is what has got me feeling all messed up today.

But then there’s…

3. Change in medication

Last Wednesday, when I went to the pharmacy, instead of my usual Januvia (which the gubmint don’t pay for no more), I was given a different drug called Trajenta.

I didn’t think much of it at the time (my default setting is “agreeable”), but when I got home, I looked it up. Turns out, the Wikipedia article is pretty damned sparse. It doesn’t even list contraindications!

So I unfolded the surprisingly huge instruction sheet that came with the boxes of Trajenta (blister packed, how annoying) to get the full story.

And one little factoid jumped out at me : Trajenta is not indicated for and has not been tested upon people using insulin.

Which is especially interesting because this is the med the pharmacist handed to me in the same bag as MY INSULIN. So he sure as hell can’t claim he didn’t know.

So I might have an errand tomorrow after all : dropping by the pharmacy and asking WTF?

Any or all (or none) of these theories may prove to be accurate. Or it might be something else entirely, something I don’t have a clue about because I lack the knowledge.

But I do know one thing.

Making theories makes me feel better.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.