{The following is am exercise from the book Overcoming Agoraphobia by Doctor Barry Goldstein. In the book, it is suggested that one way for the agoraphobic to get in touch with their emotions and begin to work through their problems instead of constantly avoiding them is to have a conversation with their illness and see what comes of it. Normally, this is done out loud with a therapist present, but my illness and my blogging habit dictate that I do it instead as a writing exercise. And when I read the description of the exercise was was instantly struck with a terror of it, I knew I had struck paydirt and I had to do it.

Warning, the following may get rather….. metaphorical. }

Our scene opens on a small, pudgy, bespectacled, befreckled redheaded boy sits, cross-legged, facing a vast, cool, solid, featureless wall of smooth light grey cement. Light is even, soft, and bright, as from frosted fluorescent bulbs. Behind the boy is only deep deadly darkness throw which an icy wind constantly howls and groans. Despite this, the boy is dressed lightly, as though for a summer’s family day out for a picnic.

From the wall comes a calm, serene, melodious voice like that of a male child psychiatrist. It is replete with confidence and certainty. It is very soothing, in a cold and detached way.

“So, you have finally mustered up the courage to imagine me and address me. ” says the Wall.

The boy nods. “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”

“So you are, for all the good it will do you. ” says the Wall. “I suppose you think this is some sort of progress, but it will not make the slightest bit of difference. Even as you sit there, you are terrified of me and what I might say. Terrified that I am more powerful than you. Terrified that I will win. And deep down, you know that I will. ” The voice betrays not the slightest flicker of doubt or hesitation.

The boy shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter who ‘wins’. No matter what you or I say, no matter what happens in this conversation, I will come out ahead because I will have exposed and expressed more of what is going on inside me. And while you think you are as solid and eternal as a mountain, you are, in fact, help up entirely by the strength of repressed and avoided emotions you conceal from me when I am too frightened to face them, and so the more I release, the less ambivalent and frightened and avoidant I get, and the weaker you become. ”

“So you think you can’t lose?” said the Wall, in a surprised and incredulous voice. ” How adorably naive. You know that all your attempts to escape me have failed . You know all this introspection is nothing but more cerebral masturbation, the mere treading of water and calling it swimming. No matter what you do, here I am, waiting. I will always be here because you will always need me to protect you from the darkness and the terror of facing the real world. Go ahead, prove me wrong. Turn your head and face the void. ”

“There’s no need. ” said the boy. “I know what it looks like. ”

“Hardly. ” said the Wall. “You have barely spent any time in it. You have spent almost your entire adult life without moving one inch further from me, and that is because I keep you safe. I protect you. I keep you inside. I screen out all the harsh chaos of real life and give you calmness and serenity. You need me. ”

“I don’t need you. ” said the boy. “I don’t even like you. In fact, I hate you. ”

“Liking something and needing it have nothing to do with one another. After all, junkies hate junk. You can hate me all you want. You can imagine all kinds of apocalyptic fates for me. Burning down, exploding, smashing me to pieces with a sledgehammer. It doesn’t matter. As long as you need me, I will be here. And as long as I am here…. you will continue to need me. ” said the Wall.

“It’s not true!” cried the boy, standing. “I might not be able to get rid of you all at once, but I can weaken you over time by facing things instead of avoiding them. I can do it, I can face the world, a ltitle at a time perhaps, but the effect will accumulate. ”

The boy turns away from the wall, and pressed his back against it. “I can do this. I can face my darkness. Because it is my darkness, and it serves me. There’s nothing to be afraid of in there, just a lot of old things that I put there myself. I don’t need you. ”

The Wall laughed. “Then why are you pressing against me so hard? But fine, you’re the boss. You know what’s best. If you no longer need me, then I guess I will just go. ”

And just like that, the lights went out.