Okay, that’s it. That’s it. That is truly fucking it. I have had it with that extradimensional asshole and I don’t car what it takes, he and his disgusting habits and weird behaviour are going to be out of this apartment and out of my life before the end of this week, and that is final!
He really went too far this time. I came home to find that he had eaten my belt. Eaten it! I had left it on the living room table and he had done his whole “eating but not really eating” thing to it after slathering it with peanut butter and pesto.
Peanut butter and pesto! God, he is disgusting.
And this was not just any belt from my wardrobe, oh no. If he had eaten one of those stupid embroidered leather belts my mother used to get me from Shopsey’s, that would have been one thing. He would actually have been doing me a favour. Then I would have an excuse not to wear it even around my mother.
But no, this was my very favorite belt in the whole wide world because it was the belt I had made with my own two hands at Camp Wanakaluk when I was only ten years old!
All the other campers made fun of me for taking so long to make a stupid belt, and they were still laughing at me when they all left to go swimming and I was still working at my stupid little desk, but they stopped laughing when they came back and saw the beautiful belt with the Rising Stag (the camp mascot) looking real as life burned into it with a woodburning gun.
That belt represented one of greatest victories in my entire life, and that motherfucking asshole with the superfluous dimensions didn’t just destroy it, he ate it, and on purpose, too!
And when I asked about it, he just shrugged, and said “Smelled like food to me. ”
And when I told him that it was both not food, and not his, he just laughed that super annoying indulgently smug little laugh of his and said “Oh, you 3Ds and your silly little rules. ”
And that’s when I really exploded. I launched into a blistering tirade about how rude, insulting, disgusting, arrogant, abusive, petty, callous, and overall unpleasant he was, and just when I was reaching my crescendo, I realized he wasn’t even listening. He had his headphones on and was listening to those atonal car accident symphonies he calls music.
So I slapped him across the face.
And he barely even reacted! He just looked up like I had merely tapped him on the shoulder, slid one headphone off one ear, and said “Oh, are you done squeaking and squawking already? Because it stopped being funny ages ago. Normally it’s hilarious to see you stupid little 3Ds acting like what happens in you flat little universe is so damned important, but honestly, you’re starting to get on my nerves. Just go on with your meaningless little life and leave the real people alone, okay?”
Can you believe this guy?
That’s when I got so mad that I wasn’t even mad any more. I’d gone all the way through mad and into a dangerous kind of calm reptilian focus that only comes to me when I am truly, truly pissed off.
I asked him what he would do if I tried to evict him.
He laughed at me and said “Who knows? Maybe I would decide to leave. Put you and this stupid little life of yourself behind me. Or maybe I would decide to stay so I can laugh at all you 3Ds as you get all mad and pouty when your realize that you can’t so much as touch me, let alone hurt me, let alone make me do something I don’t feel like doing. ”
I nodded. “I expected no better. And if I tried to kill you?”
He laughed again, louder. “You can’t kill a puppet, stupid. And if you tried, I would knock this whole building flat and not even think twice about it . You’re all just ants on a piece of paper to me anyhow. I could destroy you all with a flick of my finger.”
“So why did you come here in the first place?” I asked.
“Well…. I dunno, it seemed like it would be fun and nobody I knew had done it before, so I thought, what the heck. ”
“And how is it working out for you?” I asked.
“Lousy! Everything here is so stupid. Obeying all your stupid little rules is driving me nuts. I hate it. I hate you, I hate this apartment, I hate this world, and I hate this entire stupid slice of reality. I can’t fucking stand it any longer!”
“Really? And yet, by my calculations, you’ll be here at least eight more months. Imagine how bad you will feel then! And what would your friends in the higher dimensions feel about how you are acting tonight?”
“I don’t HAVE any friends!” he said. “Those beings I told you were my friends? They’re anything but. They’re the people I work for, the ones I convinced to back me on this mission. And they are not happy with me. At all. ”
“Because you’re failing. Isn’t that right? You’ve been failing your mission from the very start. You were supposed to do this whole thing as if you were a real human being, with no extradimensional stuff at all, and yet you’ve been cheating from the very start, haven’t you? And they all know it! But more importantly, you know it. You thought you could handle it. You thought it would be fun. You thought it would be easy. But you couldn’t handle it even for a minute. And now you’re bored. Oh, is this not fun any more? What did you think was going to happen here? Trapped in three dimensions? All fun and games with no sacrifices?”
He was subdued now. “I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t thinking about that. All I saw was a way to prove to people that they were wrong about me and that I could accomplish something worthwhile instead of just drifting around all the time. I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be. And I can’t go back now. That would prove everything was right about me. This is my last chance to prove myself. Besides, the people I work for are already furious at me for… well, pretty much everything, to be honest. When I told you the truth about myself, they were ready to…. well, you don’t really have a word for it here. Let’s say… they were ready to put me in jail. A really bad jail, one that really hurts. But I convinced them to give me one more chance… but even that wasn’t enough to get me to act right. I’m sorry, Trevor. I really am. I guess I really am a failure. If I could, I would leave right now and let you get back to your life. But if I leave now, I will go straight to… that bad place. And I can’t go there. Not again. Never again. ”
“So it seems we are stuck with each other, then. ” I said softly.
“Sorta, yeah. I mean, I can move out, find a new place, learn to follow the rules a little better… ”
He was going to say more, but that’s when I kissed him. Hard.
Then he kissed me, and I kissed him, and one thing led to another.
And another, and another, and after a nap, another.
And I found myself promising to help teach him to stay within the rules and keep him out of the bad place, and that I would be his guide to the three dimensional world, and everything would be okay.
And obviously, that means I will not, in fact, be kicking him out. He will, in fact, be moving into my bedroom to stay. Sorry about lying to you at the beginning of today’s update, but that really is how I felt at one point and I thought it would make a better story this way.
I know that I should still be mad at him. I know I should never have let him get away with all the bullshit he put me through before tonight, either. I know that any sane person would have run for the hills the minute things got weird.
But I really hate interviewing roommates. And I really like this apartment.
And I guess I’m in love with him now. And he’s in love with me.
Oh, and he’s super cool with the gay thing. Apparently his people think our gender binary is “adorable”.
So I guess he’s my five dimensional boyfriend now.
I clearly have no idea what the fuck I am doing.