Or so it seems today.

Having one of those sleepy days I talk about now and then today. Every time I have one, I feel the need to blog about it, even though they are all the same.

But they’re such a drag.

Slept for most of today, and I am still sleepy now. Slept from around three in the morning to 11:30 am, so that’s eight and a half hours, then went back to sleep at 1 pm and didn’t wake up till 4, so that’s another three.

So we are looking at almost twelve hours of sleep, and it doesn’t seem like nearly enough. I feel like I could sleep for a week.

Partly, this is due to a medication change I initiated. For a while I was taking only 1 Quetiapene with my Trazadone every night instead of the two I started out with. And it worked okay for a while.

But then I started having nights of insomnia where I didn’t get to sleep until 6 or 7 in the morning, and that sucked. The whole point of these pills is to prevent insomnia and ensure that I get at least six hours of decent sleep a night.

Trust me… good sleep is a precious thing.

Abd aksim as I have mentioned before, I want the ability to decide to go to sleep, and have that decision stick. I want something that can override whatever level of mental stimulation and hence mental agitation I have and just plain make me go to sleep.

Basically, I need a drug powerful enough to quash all the noise in my head and take me off to dreamland.

That would be nice even without sleep being involved, to be honest. Something to reduce the overall noise lever in my head would be wondrous beyond measure. I sometimes feel like I live in a stressful environment, like a war zone, because of all the noise and chaos and battle. It would do me a world of good to be able to spend a week in the country, far from battle.

But the battle is in my head, and I kind of have to take that with me wherever I go.

After all…. I live there.

True to form, I am not even half way through this blog entry, and I have already come close to dozing off at the keys twice.

So far, my sleep has not been packed with dreams, or at least, not that I can recall. So perhaps that’s why I am still so very sleepy. I haven’t gotten to the part where I catch up on my highly necessary dreaming yet.

Humans need to dream.

I definitely feel like I did dream, though. I just can’t remember anything in particular. But I have a very strong feeling that dreams did happen. I can’t tell you what they were but I can feel the footprints they left behind in my consciousness. Making forgetting them more irritating.

I hate knowing that I have forgotten something and that no amount of brain wracking will bring it back. It’s frustrating as hell to know it’s in there somewhere but I can’t get it out.

Oh well. At least it spares you lovely people from having to read my long rambling dream descriptions. I have heard that listening to other people’s dreams is one of the dullest things ever, and I can see why. There’s no way for you to put another person’s into context, because the context is their own very personal inner world.

So what seems very important to the dreamer because it resonates with their deep table of symbols is just stream of consciousness oddity to everyone else.

Personally, I love hearing about people’s dreams. Dreams are amazing. When we dream, our mind is open in a very powerful way, and we can perform operations on the contents of our minds that would be far too dangerous to do consciously.

But when we’re dreaming, the consciousness as we know it is inactive. So in a sense, it’s like putting something under anesthetic in order to perform surgery on them,

In sleep, your mind can heal itself.

That doesn’t make it a sure thing, though, sadly. The deep structures (and strictures) of our minds do not disappear when sleep comes. That which you cannot accept when awake will likely still be unacceptable in our dream worlds, no matter how good a job our subconscious minds to at disguising the truth in order to make it more palatable.

Near-sleep experiences : 4, and counting.

If only there was a way to fully relax the mind and cease all resistance to its attempts to fix itself. We could probably save ourselves years of therapy that way. All the unresolved emotions would express themselves and then fade away, and we would have minds that are fully healed, balanced, and clean.

But of course, that’s not possible, because all that detritus becomes part of our identity and preserving identity has an extremely high priority in the human mind, possibly the highest. Once something becomes part of our sense of who we are, our sense of identity will preserve it no matter how self-destructive or poisonous it is.

That’s why so many gurus teach that in order to find salvation, one must overcome the self. Enlightenment comes from understanding who we really are underneath all our false assumptions about ourselves and returning to the state of identity of a young child, who has no thought of who they are in the eyes of others and experiences life directly.

Hence the question, “Who would you be if you didn’t know who you were?”.

Perhaps that’s why I am so fascinated with the amnesia story. You wake up somewhere with no idea who you are. From that point on, it’s up to you who you are. You are freed from all the accidents that formed you and can start over from scratch.

To most people, I suppose, that sounds utterly terrifying. But to me it seems like…. salvation.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.