This is a trickier question than one would think.

The easy answer would be no, hell no, not even the slightest. After all, I am notoriously protective of my right to my own identity and my autonomy. The very thought of something thinking they control me fills me with deadly rage. Much to my own detriment, I have proven to various parties that I simply cannot be controlled, and you’re a fool to think I can.

Hence my rebellious streak. Largely unexpressed, as life hasn’t seen fit to give me a whole lot to rebel against. But I know in my heart that I am capable of damned near anything if my autonomy is threatened.

Nobody controls me. Nobody owns me. Not even me.

But that’s a subject for another blog entry.

All that rebellious potential would seem to preclude my being submissive. And it mostly does. But only mostly. I certainly will never be forced into anything. Not a chance. I’ve certainly proved THAT many times as well.

But there are softer forms of being submissive than the crudely physical. There are forms of force far more subtle than any ball gag or leather paddle. There are way to dominate a person without ever touching them.

And I might… might… be open to that.

The thing is, while I vehemently reject anything that suggests someone else controls me and I absolutely cannot be forced into anything, I have no problem with being… secondary. The junior partner. The right hand man. The beta to someone’s alpha.

Because as stubborn as willful as I am, I have no inherent desire to be in charge, be the center of attention all the time, or be The One On Top. I can quite happily leave the decisions to someone else and play the supportive role to their ego power.

I consider this a strength. I am free to take whatever role I see fit, and I am a big believer in being flexible enough to adapt to situations. It’s so much better than being forced to make situations fit you. Like I have said before, I pity those people.

So I could easily see myself taking the secondary role in a relationship. All I would need is regular assurance that I am respected and appreciated and that my other half hasn’t started to believe his ego surge when it tells him that anyone like me is contemptible and weak and surely a big important man like him doesn’t need someone like me around.

As long as my conditions are met, I would be quite comfortable in that secondary role. I’d make an excellent househusband. I would love to cook and clean for a man I love, and rub his tired shoulders after a hard day at work, and be there for whatever he needs in order to help him wind down.

And that’s…. sort of submissive. Isn’t it? Certainly the women of the second wave of feminism thought so. They, quite rightly, wanted the option to be so much more than submissive housewives.

I don’t. But good for them.

Another piece of the puzzle is the fact that, as I think I have mentioned on these pages before (too lazy to search!), two of my favorite people from my childhood was Betty, my babysitter, and Mrs. Rogers, my fifth grade teachers.

These people had one very important factor in common : they had strong personalities and wills. They also were not intimidated or offput by my precocious intelligence. As a result, they could handle me, and that made me a much happier kid. Children need someone more powerful than them around in order to feel safe and secure. Those two people fulfilled that role.

But they were the exceptions. For the most part, I didn’t get that feeling of security at home or at school. I was a reasonable kid, so I didn’t butt heads with authority just for the sake of it, but when I did, I made it abundantly clear that authority did not bind me and that whatever I did, I did out of my own free will. Because I had decided to do it.

Looking back, that seems almost like a cry for help. Like I was crying out for someone to stop me. Someone to prove to me that I was not alone in a world of danger and pain by showing me that someone was looking out for me and didn’t want me to make mistakes and get hurt.

But of course, the world could not provide me with that. And I think that, on a deep level, I still crave it. Deep within my machinery is a desire for someone who can control me and guide me.

Or at least, someone who stands a chance of doing it. I can meet them part way… probably.

It would take someone very strong of mind and will who was willing to deal with me when I was feeling unloved, insecure, and underappreciated. Or when I was being stubborn about something I really should do. Someone who could dig me out of my potholes and get me to try new things and stretch my abilities.

If I found a man like that, I would be so incredibly devoted to him that it might frighten him. I am geared for gratitude and effusive if left unchecked, so it might be a little overwhelming at first.

But once I settled down, I would do whatever it took to keep that man happy. I have a strong urge to nurture, and if I had my way that man would feel like a king, not to just feed his ego, but because that is exactly what he would be to me.

I suppose I am one of those weak spirits who needs stronger personalities around in order to feel whole and complete, as opposed to broken and vulnerable.

And that sounds a lot like being submissive to me, at least by traditional gender/power rules.

And yet… on the other hand….

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.