So, I didn’t make it to the Kwantlen orientation today.

I was planning on it, but then I woke up feeling very ill. I had wicked heartburn, and I felt headachey and feverish, and the room was very gently spinning.

Normally, if I get sick before doing something scary, I immediately think it is psychosomatic. And that could definitely cover the headache, and maybe the feverish feelish.

But heartburn is pretty specific and hard to image yourself into. Dunno if I am coming down with something, or I acid refluxed real hard out of nervousness, but whatever it was, it kept me here instead of my going there.

And I dunno how I feel about that. I have a real clusterfucktacular of a conflict about it. The old me would be exoriating myself on being a wimp and a pussy and giving up on myself and hiding from the world and blah blah etc.

But I am working hard at disabling that system. And I mean, it’s not like I missed anything priceless. I am pretty sure I can find a campus map online and that is all I will need to find my classes. Whatever else, I can probably figure out from the website, onsite literature, and plain old asking around whatever else I need.

But the old monsters are still there. They’re just caged up for the moment. For now, I am listening to The Jagoff when he tells me that it is really no big deal. I don’t like it, but it’s better than ripping myself apart over it.

That never accomplished anything. In fact, it’s utterly counterproductive. You can’t get ahead by destroying your own strength!

Presumably, after a couple of days, I will have put this behind me and will be ready to carry on into the brand new grand new adventure of higher learning at the age of 42.

I know I won’t have trouble with the class work. But I am beginning to worry about actual class.

I haven’t had to sit still while absorbing a lecture in twenty years. That kind of passive absorption was never exactly easy for me. That’s why I would sit in front and ask (or answer) questions. I needed to do it in order to stay awake and engaged.

But I don’t know if that will be an option, and so I may have to cope other ways.

I could record the lecture. I am sure I would not be the only one doing so. Anything I spaced out for, I could catch up on when I watched the recording. That would be a very modern thing to do.

But it feels wrong. It feels like I would be insulting the professor by ignoring him and letting the machine do the work. Like I am saying he or she is not important enough to actually be worth my attention. That doesn’t sit right with me.

Plus, of course, I can’t ask a recording questions.

Another possibility would be to find a more active form of note-taking. I almost never consult the notes I make, but the exact of writing them gives me something to do and keeps me from getting too nervous and restless.

But I have had twenty years of Internet-fed development since I was last in a classroom, and that might not be enough any more. My stimulation needs are much greater than they used to be.

A third option would be to find video games I can play unobtrusively (tricky, when you are sitting up front) and which take up just enough of my mental bandwidth to keep me calm and focused and hopefully looking attentive.

And in a sense, I have been practicing to do that exact thing. I have been listening to podcasts while playing my Picross game on my browser, and that is pretty much exactly the same as listening to a lecture on the basic level.

But I would hate to get caught playing a video game in class. That would be mortifying. If I was worried that recording the lecture would insult the prof, imagine how I feel about being caught playing my game.

I could tell the prof that I can do both, and that I actually find it easier to concentrate if I have something to occupy unimportant parts of my mind while I listen. But I would not expect them to believe me.

And I am not the smug and thoughtless youth that used to love to be caught “daydreaming” and seemingly not paying attention to my teachers only to be able to repeat back to them what they just said, verbatim. That me was a prick. No wonder sometimes not even my teachers liked me.

Ah, the self-centeredness of youth. I thought it was downright hilarious. Like I was demonstrating a superpower, or a magic trick, or something.

So this Tuesday, when I start off my education with a trial by fire via six straight hours of class, I will see just how well I cope with this highly passive form of learning.

Then again, for all I know, education is entirely different now, and not nearly so passive and soporific. Maybe all the professors are hip new professors who are entirely down with the Net and have exciting, dynamic presentations with charts and diagrams and stuff.

I admit, that’s not likely. But it could happen!

Also education related : I will have to get a bank account and my picture ID soon. I am hoping I can charm my way into getting them to re-issue my BCID in picture form. The last time I tried, the bitch blonde at the counter told me that, basically, you can’t get your picture ID back without some picture ID.

So apparently, nobody has ever gotten their driver’s license reissued, ever. Lose it and you are fucked forever.

As for the bank account thing, I should get one of those anyhow so I can stop paying $20/month to Money Mart just to cash my monthly cheque. So getting one for the student loan is no big deal.

Well, that’s the local update. I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.