Too clever for my own good, sometimes.

As my Dad would put it, I out-thought myself today. I thought it would be super clever of me to post my revised short stories to this blog, knowing we would be making a WordPress site in class today and figuring, being the Wordpresd stud that I am, that when the time came, I would just cut and paste.

Nope. You would think that would be the simplest thing, but I had forgotten how weird WordPress can be about pasted in text with HTML in it. I won’t go into the boring technical details, but I ended up struggling with the damned thing for the whole time allotted for it before I got it right and just stopped fucking with it.

Technically a victory, but it sure doesn’t feel like one.

Oh well. Now I am home (and cold… REALLY have to stop forgetting to wear my jacket) and now I can relax, blog, do my video, and maybe even HOLY SHIT, IT’S VCON TOMORROW.

I thought I was ready. I was ready on Wednesday, or at least I thought I was. Mentally, that is. But then today I ended up lounging around naked and sleeping a lot and such, so as a result, today went very very fast in subjective time.

You know your sense of time is seriously messed up when, for a moment, you can’t remember if it’s AM or PM, and you end up having to like, deduce the answer.

I swear, absentminded people must make the best detectives because we are constantly having to figure out WTF is going based on current evidence. Let’s see, I remember having lunch, and the light is a little dim, and evening comes after lunch, so it can’t be 5 am…. a ha! I have it! It’s 5 PM!

Brilliant deduction, Holmes. How DO you do it?

That is seriously the kind of process that goes on in my mind on a far too regular basis. The relevant memory isn’t gone, it’s still there in short term memory where it belongs, I just lose contact with my short term memory now and then, and I have to deduce things in order to fill in the gap.

That’s… not good, is it? Hmmm.

I can’t help but assume this has something to do with my dangerously high levels of interiority. Sometimes my inner processes demand so much of my mental resources that vitally important functions like temporally contiguous current memory break down, and because all of this goes on under the hood with me, consciously, I dunno WTF.

Sometimes I wonder how I dodged the serious, psychotic-level mental illnesses. I feel like they are always there, waiting for me to lose my grip. One false move… one step too far… and I will fall down the bottomless well of total madness and lose contact with the light forever.

That is, in and of itself, crazy. But what’s a fella to do? It’s what I have to work with.

I guess this is the price you pay for ignoring the walls that hold others and exploring the vastness of human thought without, as it were, any guardrails. The center-flock types might not be creative geniuses, but they are safe from falling over the edge, too. We philosopher types, on the other hand, blunder about blithely and act like we can’t get hurt.

Well we can. But we blunder own anyhow, because truth is our obsession.

And I wonder why. In my case, it might well be that I am driven to seek the truth because it is through that drive that I remain in contact with reality. Through all the chaos and madness of this mental neighborhood of mine, I can deduce that which is solid and reliable in the world and makes myself an amorphous island in the storm.

And the thing is, when done right, that amorphous blog grows more solid with time. Not everything you build up gets torn down again by new info. Some things stay, and resist all weathers, and it is those rocks upon which you build your church.

Damn it, you slipped into the second person again. I mean… I did.

I have been trying to get a better picture of this fanatical drive I have within me to seek the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I intuit that it is intimately connected with my way of making sense of the world. That this truth machine within me is my way of conquering the chaos within by rolling over it with a mighty mighty steamroller of reason and intellect.

That’s how I force the world to make sense to me, so to speak. With that mindset, I could easily have become one of those narrow minded math fetishist who worship math and engineering and science and so forth because they represent a form of reality which responds to direct inquiry and produces verifiable answers.

But I could never accept such a limited framework for reality. My mind is broad as well as strong, and my search for the truth could never be limited to only the sorts of answers that can be described by mathematics.

I need a hell of a lot more answers than that. I will take whatever path will get me there.

That is why I am glad I am an intuitive intellectual. It means that I basically can’t pick one side of the brain or the other because I draw so heavily from both. I think I lead with my left, for better and for worse, but an awful lot of my seemingly rational processes are purely intuitive.

The rational brain just verifies the results. And if the results don’t hold up to reason, they are corrected and resubmitted, or if it’s bad enough, abandoned altogether.

It really is the best of both worlds, I think.

Except for the fact that it leaves fruitier than a nutcake.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow…. probably.

After all, I will be at VCON!