Don’t be offended, but I’m bored. So I’m going to blog.

Had therapy today. I can’t say that much was accomplished. I talked about how depressed I was last weekend. I realized that it wasn’t just the lack of purposeful endeavour, it was the sudden dropoff from a very full week. Then on top of that, I knew there was an extra day of weekend to suffer through. No wonder I got depressed.

I feel like last weekend was one of those times when you meet a former self at a crossroads, and barely recognize them, and what you do recognize makes you very sad because you remember what it was like to be that person and it wasn’t pretty.

Last weekend, I got a taste of what my life was like before I went back to school, a scant six weeks ago, and it made me depressed to think of all the years I had been that other person, and horrified to find myself back in that position even for a long weekend. I have not been out of the hole long enough to lose my fear of being sucked back into it.

In fact, the mere thought terrifies me.

Perhaps next time I meet my former self at the crossroads, all I will feel is compassion and pity for that benighted, withered soul trapped in a tiny box of his own devising. He deserves my pity. He was not a happy man.

It reminds me of that time when I went to a movie with the local furry community (which I had founded). I’ve mentioned the incident before. It was the night that, through the camaraderie I had found, I realized how brutally lonely I had been for years.

When something is constant, you stop noticing it. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t suffering from it.

This time, it’s my boring and unsatisfying, purposeless life that I have escaped. And from this new vantage point, I can finally truly understand what was wrong with my life before returning to academia.

People need purpose. Goals. Focus. But it’s so easy to get distracted. Just like I just did. Totally forgot I was blogging. New thought push out old thoughts. Dammit.

Before I went back to school, every day was a silent crushing void to cross while I waited for the next good thing to happen. I was extremely dissatisfied with my life and as a result, pretty unhappy. Sure, I had wonderful friends. But friends alone are not enough. We have so many other needs.

So now, at least, I have some purpose in my life. Some forward momentum. And best of all, something to look forward to. I am really enjoying my classes, and that means that I have something to look forward to five days a week.

Add in going to dinner with my friends Sunday night, and I have six days of the week covered. Saturdays are still kinda lame, but I probably need the rest.

One good thing to come out of today’s therapy session was the impetus to maybe join a club at Kwantlen. I have found one that suits : the Creative Writing Guild (Guild?how adorably pretentious.) It meets directly after my Wednesday Ideology and Politics class, so it would be super easy to attend.

And from what little I know about the subject, writers have a lot in common. When I have been part of writing groups in the past, I definitely felt like we had a mutual vibe, like despite how shy and antisocial a lot we can be, we recognized a similarity between us that was hard to describe.

Plus, you never know who will be in a position to do you some good some day. So, you know…. networking.

I am also interested in the Kwantlen Psychological Society (I love how old-school respectable that sounds). But apparently, the only way to learn about when they meet is to email the KUSA (Kwantlen University Student Association) club coordinator and ask.

That strikes me as bizarrely backward. But whatever. I sent the email.

And there’s always my idea of starting a GLBT society for Kwantlen. I am kind of curious to find out whether anyone will have a problem with that. Knowing how my life goes, the answer is no. When I do anything I think might provoke a reaction, it always disappears without a ripple, like an alligator slipping into the water.

But you never know. I get a very distinct “place upper middle class kids are sent when they don’t have the marks to get into someplace more prestigious” vibe from Kwantlen, and around here, that means a lot of Chinese kids whose parents might not be fully adapted to Canada’s relaxed and tolerant ways, and those people tend to be super uptight about respectability and propriety and hyper vigilant for anything that might not look good on a resume.

Some maybe I could succeed in ticking them off. It would not go well for them, obviously. It could even become one of those “daily shame” stories with a headline like “Canadian college student founds GLBT club. What happens next may surprise you. ” or even “Homophobic University Slams Student For Starting LGBT Club”.

I have to admit, and I am not at all proud of this, but I would enjoy that immensely. Those people would be on the wrong side of history regardless of my particulars, but I can state my case very forcefully and eloquently, and that would make it even worse for those people.

I am, admittedly, not terribly telegenic. But as long as I give the media a good sound bite, that won’t matter. And if I have time to think about it, I could come up with one killer sound bite.

Massive verbal skills give you great power when applied correctly.

I really should have become a lawyer. Stupid younger me worried that he’d lose his soul to the job.

Current me is all like…. so?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.