But not a bad day. Maybe. I dunno.

Been kind of depressed today. Feel sad and dragged down. My bed is very appealing to me. I have a strong urge to not bother with things. My a href=”https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia”anhedonia /ais medium strong. I feel like there’s no point to anything and it’s hard to remember why I do anything right now.

All of that is classic depression. Bed-seeking, apathy, anhedonia, nihilism. It’s all in the textbook and it’s all true of me right now. Clinically speaking, I’m depressed.

But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. There’s no point in getting depressed about being depressed. Maybe this is just plain something I need to go through right now and at the end of the long dark tunnel lies the golden light of renewal.

Maybe I am bed-seeking because I am truly behind on sleep. I know from experience that getting eight hours of sleep a night is no guarantee that you are getting enough sleep. Maybe I am not getting enough REM sleep.

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Or maybe I need one depressed day a week to keep me going. Maybe the best plan for me is to assume my Saturdays will be Sadder Days and so there’s no point in making big grand plans, like I did today, that I know I will not be able to execute.

I emhad/em planned to really get to work on that Creative Writing project today. Plus the readings for next week, and my 150 word reply to them.

Damn. Potty break.

(—)

Oh, and my creative writing prof also wants us to write down snippets of overheard conversation on Post-It notes, put said notes in public places which are somewhat ironic given what is written on them, and take a picture.

I really don’t want to.

Once more, I find myself wishing I had tsken the more traditional Creative Writing class. They wouldn’t be making me do twee crap like this. All I would have to do is write. That is what I am good at, and it is what I want to do.

If I could write the Post-it Notes myself, it would not be so bad. It is the jotting down bits of overheard conversation and then trying to find where it fits that I resent. I can think of lots of things that would make for cool art when affixed somewhere. But the odds of anyone actually saying them are low.

I don’t like having to find the locks that fit random keys. I don’t like finding things in general. For me, it is far easier to simply make key and lock together. Then you know it will fit.

So I dunno. I guess I could just go to White Spot for lunch, set my tablet to record audio, and see what it can pick up. Then I can listen to it later and pick the best bits.

Assuming my tablet will pick up anything. Just because I can hear it doesn’t mean the tablet’s microphone can hear it. If only we had equipment as good as our senses!

Either way, I am sure I can do the assignment. I just don’t want to. Wah, says my inner child. Wah!

Back to the original subject. I have been pondering the question of whether depression is a bad thing or is it thinking that makes it so for a long time now.

In the short term, there is nothing wrong with just surrendering to it now and then. Let it have its way, and take a rest from fighting it all the time. Save your energy for the more important battles later. Lay your burden down.

The trouble is, will you be able to get out of that comfy cozy hole when the time comes to be active again? The temptation to stay will never be stronger than when you are trying to get yourself out of the hole just when you have gotten all comfy. It would be so easy to stay down and let your life fall apart so there’s no pressure on you any more.

I don’t know why I have such a big issue around pressure. I guess part of me wants to be free to melt into a puddle at any point, and pressure prevents that. Pressure, and obligation. Best not to get entangled with others in the first place, says the Devil of Depression, and let everything go so you can be a limpid liquid again, relaxed and tranquil.

Yeah… and deeply dissatisfied with life. I guess all our demons tempt us to choose the short term immediate thing (going back to bed, eating that bag of cookies, yelling at your kids) and not the long term difficult but superior thing (getting things done and making yourself feel better about your life, suffering through sadness but losing the weight that makes you feel so bad, restraining yourself and getting to have a closer relationship with your kids).

One thing that might be contributing to my sleepiness is that today was the first day I felt the need to turn the heat on in my room since last Spring. I guess that means summer is truly over. Hello, autumn!

But all that lovely cozy heat might well be contributing to my overall sleepiness. I have mentioned the phenomenon I call “the melt” in this space before. It can be defined as “the tendency of an increase in warmth in a certain range to make me sleepy”.

It happened a lot when I was a kid coming home on a cold winter day. The difference in temperature between the below-freezing outdoors and the toasty warm temperature of home would quite often make me very, very sleepy in a way that was actually quite delightful when it didn’t interfere with my plans.

And as a kid, I didn’t have a lot of plans.

Oh well. The blogging is done. My words have been expressed. Think I will curl up in my nice warm bed and snooze.

It’s not depression. It’s sedation!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.