It is a few minutes before my Creative Writing class. This seems like an approprite time to start blogging.

Got all my stuff done. Did the Post-It note thing. Forgot that the Post-it notes were supposed to be in, get this, in Haiku form.

Well fuck THAT noise.

Still, I am icreasingly aware of what a sloppy, slacker job I am doing on my work.nbsp; I did not invest a lot of effort in my assignment due today. Maybe I will get away with it, maybe I won’t. Either way, I am not proud of it.

Time to up my game and show the world what I can REALLY do.

(—)

On break now. In this class, we will be creating a concrete poem. Then animating it. Lovely.

Luckily, I have an idea that I think will work. Dunno how to make it in Photoshop, and it might be a lot of work to animate, but at least I have something to work with. And I am intrigued to learn Photoshop animation. Though I imagine it will be simple frame sequencing, with maybe a little tweening.

I am doing my best to work through my childish reactions to having to go outside my comfort zone and do something visual. I want to be more open to new things, as well as open to new experiences that will rewrite my opinion on what I can and cannot do.

I know I have a lot of artistic talent. I want to be more open to different ways to express it.

And I have so much to express. So many words left just hanging around in my brain, waiting in vain to get out, causing trouble.

(—)

After class now, waiting for the shitty bus that will only take me partway home.

(—)

And now I a home. You know, a two block walk is no big deal.

Although I am a little worried about my knee. You know, the injured one that I never got around to getting treated. It has been complaining when I am out walking lately. Maybe the cold is a factor, I don’t know. So I am keeping an eye on it. Last thing I need is to have to blow out on me and end up having to get to and from school on the HandyDart or something.

I suppose I could manage to get on and off the bus with a crutch, but I really don’t want to be waving a piece of light but solid metal backed by my weight around an enclosed space packed with people. Not with my clumsiness. That could go very very wrong very very fast. It doesn’t bear thinking upon.

They can do miracles with tensor bandages these days.

And I am needing that eye appointment more and more these days. I am getting more squinty by the minute, or so it seems. I need a strong prescription. At least, I hope that’s all I need.

Diabetes attacks the eyes, after all. Musn’t forget that.

My feet are doing okay. I haven’t had any mysterious stabbing pains lately, and that crazy hot itching sensation I have gotten in the past has only made a very brief and minor appearance.

Still, I check them three or four times a week. Don’t want to miss a dead patch or a sore spot. Diabetes is very hard on the feet, and I already know from their tendency to catch and keep a chill that the circulation to my feet is not great.

Oh. And I still have two large holes in my abdominal wall.

Honestly, it’s a wonder that I am alive at all, let alone mobile.

Had therapy today. Started off trying to talk about my mother, but ended up doing more of a survey of my childhood issues. I am not saying it was unproductive, it just wasn’t what I set out to do. But then, I rarely end up doing what I set out to do.

I am just too nonlinear. Or, like I said once before, I am very linear and my lines are just different from everyone else’s. Often on an entirely different plane. That’s why it’s so hard for people to get me.

I am too unique and original for my own good.

One thing we talked about today was my difficulty in trusting people and really opening up to them. Even with my wonderful friends, part of me is always tense and paranoid. I can’t see me ever being able to completely trust anyone. It feels like I will always be guarded and nervous and relying on my analysis of the person rather than any sense of trust.

There’s just too much ice in the way. Ice, death traps, demons, monsters…. it’s pretty much a dungeon from an RPG. And if some brave hero actually made it to the center of my maze, he may well find that there’s nothing there. And there never was.

Right now, I can be fairly sane and reasonable, but I fear what would happen if someone tried to get closer. I still have a lot of bad stuff inside me, and I might not be able to keep people from being hurt by it if they got closer than friendship with me.

And I can’t stand the thought of taking my issues out on some poor person whose only crime was trying to get to know me better. To me, that would be empathic oblivion. No matter how it happened or whether or not I was in the right or in the wrong, I would have to live with the memory of that person’s pain and the knowledge that I caused it.

And I refuse to become callous, even though it might be good for me to dial down the sensitivity a little. Stop taking on other people’s emotions as entirely my responsibility. Shut off that echo chamber in my head that makes things seem far worse than they are by amplifying the signal way, way, way too much.

But the idea of sacrificing some of my sensitivity appalls me. Even knowing it’s a medically sound operation and that I might be better off without that thin sliver of capacity.

I just can’t do it.

There has to be another way.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.