I don’t know what to call that. Vlogging is already take. Videologging?

First off… Music from Mars!

Not frigging bad, me! Slow, thoughtful, funky but also enjoyably creepy. Apart from the 2001 quotes (HAL lives!) it could easily be the intro song of some Art Bell type show. Like at the end, you would hear “Good evening, and welcome to Fringe Element, a podcast that explores the outer limits of human knowledge… ”

I picture that being said in a quiet, gentle, sexy male voice of some earnest liberal arts major at a small but groovy college somewhere in Northern Ontario.

I have listened to SO MUCH CBC.

Next, we have the last entry in my epic four flavour journey through the last round of interesting Lay’s flavours.

Isn’t that exciting, kids?

Did the therapy thing today. No major motion there. I told him about my latest doofus move. On the way there, I thought it would be really hard to tell him about it because it would mean that I had neglected the documents we both (him more than me) worked hard on for a whole session, namely that disability shite, for like, two months.

Then I got there and it wasn’t even a thing. I told him, it was way easier than I thought it would be, and I suffered absolutely zero consequences from the act. Like I said, it wasn’t even a thing.

That made me realize that the whole mode of thinking that led me to be worried is flawed and self-destructive.

More after a video.

God that show was a waste of time.

The thought process that led to me being all worried that I was going to offend him somehow with my lack of submitting that disability form is bogus. Its error is the classic mistake of vastly overestimating how much other people’s lives revolve around you and what you do. Maybe somewhere within Costin’s mind, he was a little miffed at me. But it’s a trivial matter. And he’s a professional, and primarily concerned with my mental health and wellbeing, not the minutiae of my life. I was worried over absoluting nothing and for no good reason.

I feel like my task now is to follow this malfunctioning cognitive function to its roots, and cut it out there. Strike at the heart of the beast, and so on. Add this error to my list of Cognitive Errors To Look Out for.

My overactive superego loves that kind of thing.

And now, a video from a really dark part of my life.

Namely, when I was watching that goddamned Residue show. This was months ago, and yet the wounds seem very fresh. Hours of my life wasted on something that went nowhere, did nothing, and gave nothing back to the viewer. Grr!

Perhaps one day, I will look back upon that blighted era and laugh. Laugh at how silly it all seems now, and wonder that I could ever take something as trivial as a science fiction (ish) TV show so seriously.

But that time has not yet come.

The thing is, metacognitive solutions are inherently cognitive and thus superego-driven. I am too cerebral and uncomfortable with things I don’t understand and can’t predict for an entirely id-based solution, even though I know that the road to recovery for me depends on my connecting with and reviving my sadly neglected id.

I really need some fancy transporter mechanics to put my two Kirks back together.

So I have to take the slower and more cautious cognitive approach to fixing my brain, where each step makes sense to me and I feel like I am in control.

It’s kind of sad, really,

And now, more creepy music.

Wow, that accelerated quickly, didn’t it? Can’t say it’s one of my best, but it’s decent. It’s musically interesting, which is the next best thing to being musically successful. If not else, it’s unpredictable.

And my stuff usually isn’t. At least, not to me. For obvious reasons.

I wish merging with my id was as simple as hooking up a VCR. Just run some RCA cabling between the id and the ego/superego complex, and turn it on. Bingo! Fully integrated personality.

But of course, that would involve a lot of unpredictable things that don’t make sense happening in my mind, and I can’t handle that. At least, not yet. I have suppressed myself so hard for so long that if someone were to say “Just do what you feel like doing!”, I honestly would have no idea what that was.

Something involving good food and a good massage, I guess. But it’s only a guess.

I mean, who the fuck am I? What do I want? What do I crave? What inspires me? What takes me in the direction of happiness? What draws me to it?

What the hell is going on around here, anyway?

Next clip : a longish talker.

I’d like to add that the people shushing the little boy in my version don’t know why they are doing it. They would be unable to articulate what exactly the little boy did wrong. They would only know that they were angry and embarrassed (especially his parents) and felt a very deep disturbance in the waters of their life, and it was the little boy’s fault.

They don’t have to know how you are shaking the tree they are all in. They don’t have to know why, either. They just have to feel the shaking and do whatever it takes to make it stop.

It is really that simple. These people are acting on instinct and emotion. Even if your parents are highly intelligent and educated, like mine are, they are still going to act to maintain social stability, no matter how pure the little boy’s intentions were when he pointing at the Emperor’s danglies and laughed.

I think that’s something all us nerdy types go through growing up. You’ve embarrassed your parent and they are mad at you and you don’t understand why.

The sad thing is…. some people never make it out of that stage.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.