I am someone pretending to be me, and frankly, making a hash of it.

I read an article about the well known psychological phenomenon known as impostor syndrome . Basically, it describes the feeling that man high achieving people have that they are not really the person people think they are. They just have everyone fooled somehow, and any day now, people will figure this out and they will be exposed and everything will come crashing down.

I have known people like that.

It’s a very tragic syndrome from an outsider’s point of view. Here is this person doing genuinely amazing things who, against all rationality and reason, think that the person who did those things is not really them. It’s a bullshit version of them that doesn’t really exist and some day people will figure it out.

And the thing is, the people thinking these negative thoughts are actually soothed by them. The idea that this tense charade will end soon is a relief to them, even as it spurs their anxiety.

So what is going on? The sad truth is that a negative self-image is so deeply ingrained in these people that they will deny reality itself in order to maintain it. Faced with evidence that threatens this negative status quo, like genuine accomplishment, the only solution is to deny said evidence.

That is actually a lot less frightening to these people than the far more fundamental shift that improved self-esteem would entail. That’s why the controlling factor is how deeply ingrained this negative self-image has become. The more deeply ingrained it is, the bigger a change positive evidence represents.

And it is the nature of the human animal to resist that kind of change. Our emotional equilibrium is maintained by a system that by default is set to reject big changes. It’s designed to protect the integrity of our knowledge base and even our sense of reality, but it can also be our worst enemy when it works to maintain the deep belief in our own worthlessness rather than accept that the undeniable evidence of our own achievement is valid and thus attached to us.

Another thing mentioned in the article is the difficulty in valuing that which comes easily to you. Regular readers will recognize that as something I have talked about in this space many (many) times. The labour theory of value is the strongest and most natural value system, far stronger than any extrinsic valuations, and under that theory, value equals difficulty.

After all, we’d be far more impressed by a grandmother running a marathon than a fit young person. Why? Because we’d assume it was far more difficult for Grandma.

Therefore, if you have a natural talent for something, it can be hard to put much value in it. Like I have said before, it’s hard to get excited about something that, for you, is as easy as tying your shoes. Even if others are impressed by it, you’re still like, “Whatever. Glad it made you happy. ”

Which brings the conversation around to me. You probably saw that coming a mile away. When I posted a link to the article on Facebook, I rather flippantly said something like “Well, I am pretty confident in my talent, so I am not worried about this happening to me. ”

And it’s true that I am perfectly willing to accept evidence that I am outrageously talented, incredibly intelligent, and possessed of a startlingly unique and insightful point of view that will ease humanity through the growing pains of a new and glorious future.

It’s like I have room reserved on my ego shelf just for evidence like that. Part of me has always believed I was exceptional. Part of me, in fact, would be pleased to receive such evidence… but not surprised.

But that’s not where my impostor syndrome lies. Those are dream achievements, not the real thing. What about the things I have already achieved? How did I handle that?

My first instinct is to reflexively say “What achievements?” but that just shows the severity of the problem. Because I have achieved certain things.

Like high marks, for example. I got my marks for my Intro to Journalism class last week. 91 percent. That is an impressive mark by anyone who isn’t a Chinese parent’s standards. And yeah, it feels pretty good to get a mark like that. It even makes me feel abit better about myself. Golly, I really am smart!

But it doesn’t impress me all that much, because it’s not much higher than the sort of marks I usually get, and which I take for granted. When you can get 83 percent on an exam without even studying, it is really hard to see it as a big deal.

I won’t tell the story again, but regular readers know that I didn’t even know I was on the Honor Roll in my last year of high school until graduation night. And even then, I found it more funny than anything else.

So while I have never felt like I was an impostor who was only fooling the people, I have definitely been guilty of discounting genuine achievements because it is very hard for me to change my deep down lack of self worth. So I treat it like it’s no big deal.

But I have done some impressive things. I wrote, directed, and starred in a play that took me 24 hours to write. I started two highly successful communities (Vancouver Freecycle and the local furry community) and nursed them along until they were big enough to survive on their own. I am in the process of conquering my depression and getting my life back. My creative writing teacher said I was a “very strong student”.

Most people haven’t done any of those things. And if I told people about them, they would think those were pretty cool things to have done.

And it does make me feel good to remember those things. It’s nice to know my time on Earth has not been a total drain on society.

And yet, deep down, my self-worth is still…. troublingly low.

What the hell is wrong with me>

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.