Here I am, sitting in my last Ideology and Politics class.

No idea what we are going to do, besides hand our final assignments  in. There is no final exam, so teaching us anything  new would be pointless  from an academic point of view.

Guess I will find out.

(—)

Been feeling depressed, which is not a surprise. I fell into the Saturday hole. Directionless, drifting, depressed, floating back and forth between computer and tablet and the occasional meal. Doing my final Ideology and Politics assignment helped, but only till the rough draft was done. Then my motivation fell apart and I did nothing more to it after that except proofread it.

So I basically handed in my rough draft today. Not the first time I have done that in my life. In fact, it’s the norm. The headline would be me sweating and slaving over something to make it as good as I can.

And I don’t know how to feel about that. But I do know one thing : my therapist was right. I am afraid to put my full effort into things because then I would have to care about the outcome and I just can’t handle that. I feel like I would be a neurotic wreck if I actually fully emotionally invested in my work. My way is to breeze along on natural talent. I do what I do and move on.

And the thing is, it kind of works for me. I do surprisingly well for someone who, deep down, doesn’t take things seriously. Not all the way.

You have seen me in this very space try to tell myself that I need to knuckle down, apply myself, and show the world what I can do when I really put my mind to something.

But it doesn’t change anything. I am still half-assing my way through life. I still don’t study for tests and submit first drafts as finished work and act, in some ways, like a total arrogant jagoff.

And it works. I get good marks. But it still feels wrong.

I know that’s not the way the average person thinks I should be. There;s plenty of people around the world who would love to have my gifts and would work super hard if they got them.

And I know that’s not the way society thinks I should be. Talented people aren’t supposed to coast through life on minimum effort. They are supposed to devote their talents to making the world a better place.

Hell, I know that it’s not the way I think I should be either. I want to be the sort of person who is passionately engaged with life and who devotes themselves full tilt to everything he does, pouring all his energy and talent into the world in order to improve the lot of life of all of humanity.

I just don’t know if I have a choice in the matter.

Maybe that just can’t be part of the deal for me. Maybe my deal is that I have to take that attitude to get through life and I will just have to be content with whatever that attitude can bring me. Maybe the best that I can hope for is to look for places where that level of effort and commitment is enough.

Maybe, deep down, I still want to be the precocious kid who wowed the crowds with stuff that was super easy for me. As much as I hated being bored in class all the time as a kid, some part of me must still want life to be like that. Simple, undemanding, and oh so easy.

I don’t know how to change that. But unearthing it like this surely must help.

Guess I still have a lot of growing up to do, on the inside. No more whining when life asks me for something that doesn’t come easily to me and pretending that makes life so cruel and unfair. Other people have to try hard and overcome themselves in order to grow. What makes me so special?

I have been whining like that since the fifth grade. I remember the day we learned long division. It was the first academic thing I had ever encountered which didn’t come naturally to me. I didn’t instantly grasp it like I had with everything else so far. And I freaked out, all frustrated and crying. Mrs Rogers practically had to talk me down in order to get me to where I could get it.

Long before that, I had already made my opposition to do anything even vaguely hard clear. I was very physically uncoordinated and so I hated gym and arts and crafts. So I refused to do them.

But goddamned it, I could have tried. I could have made my best-faith effort. But no. I whined and pouted and defied the teacher. No wonder none of them really liked me.

I was so spoiled.

I want to move from where and who I am now into a place where I become the sort of person who loves challenges and looks forward to learning new things in the process of overcoming them. I might not make it all the way there, but it’s still my destination.

Maybe the problem is that nothing has actually forced me to focus yet. I can still coast along. I still don’t feel challenged. I still don’t take my studies really seriously.

Maybe I am the sort of dude who adapts to his situation, and so nothing changes unless the situation changes. Water might resist containment, but only when it is safely contained can it truly relax.

I know that metaphor probably doesn’t mean much to anyone else, but it is a deep truth to me.

So that’s my challenge : to overcome my whiny, “run to momma”, give up the minute things get hard and claim that means the world is cruel and unfair self, and replace it with a stronger, tougher, more muscular me who powers through the bad spots and who doesn’t let little setbacks get him down.

Assuming, of course, that it’s possible.

I think it is.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.