I’ve been working on a project, off and on, for a few days now. I call it the Portfolio Project, and it’s my attempt to bring together the best of my considerable creative output so I can stick it on the Web somewhere, as its own website, separate from this space.

I will probably make it a Tumblr or somesuch.

And so far, it’s an enjoyable bit of business. Yesterday I went way back into the past, all the way back to 2007 when I was only 34 years old, and watched “the 30 30”, my first video project, where I did 30 days of a minimum 30 seconds of video every day.

And there’s some pretty good stuff in there. Like this :

Funny stuff. But the process ended up making me feel depressed, because to the 42 year old version of me, the guy typing to you right now, my 34 year old self seems so much more enthusiastic and energetic and alive than this old carcass of mine right now.

I suppose it disrupted the fragile illusion of youth I have been enjoying since I went back to school.

And so now I am kinda bummed out. I keep trying to remind myself that I was a lot more depressed back then and that I just seem energetic and vital in the videos because I was playing up for the camera.

But still. I don’t think if I did the same sort of video today, I would shine quite as bright.

I am also realizing how time consuming the process of going through my videos can be. And I am worried that instead of being a life-affirming journey where I look back at all the good creative work I have done over the years (as well as a way to make a sort of online creative resume), it is instead turning into a time sink which is keeping me from moving on to the next step, namely submitting my work to markets.

So I am seriously considering just skipping the video portion of the portfolio for now and concentrating on my written works. Get that done, and then worry about video as I am prepping and submitting stuff.

Submitting my stuff to people who might actually be willing to pay real cash money for it would be a really big step for me, both professionally and as a person, and I should probably focus on that rather than a trip down memory lane.

Time to send my work out into the world instead of keeping it close to me. Stop my word hoarding.

Otherwise, things have been okay for me. Found out yesterday that it’s definitively true : I will not be able to start my last final project until tomorrow, the day before it’s due.

Because the IT people at Kwantlen don’t work weekends. And I forgot my new password. I was sure I had added the new password to my Google Keep file, but nope. Dammit.

Tomorrow is gonna suuuuuck.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now. Moving on.

Other than those little islands of irritation, things are going okay. I seem to be keeping myself busy, if not always productive. I am gradually nudging myself in the direction of productivity, as that would likely boost my mood, but for now, I am at least on an even keel.

Had some intense dreams lately. One ended with me sitting in an enormous movie theatre and suddenly realizing I was naked, pants around my ankles.

Pretty standard dream stuff, really. I was writing about the feeling of exposure in this space yesterday. Nudity in dreams is almost always about that feeling of exposure in dreams. Feeling like you have been caught out in the open with your defenses down in some way. Your social persona stripped away.

More disturbing was the fact that, in another dream, I thought I had just turned 43, and that belief continued after I awoke. I was truly convinced that I was 43 for the entire morning, and right up until the time came for me to calculate how old I was when I did the 30 30.

That’s some spooky shit, man. Dreams are suppose to disappear upon waking. Of course I’m not 43 yet. I won’t be 43 until next May! But I really thought it was true.

Ordered in Chinese last night. Always feels good to be able to do that. Makes me feel more like an adult in control of his life, as opposed to that feeling that poverty brings that the world is full of delights that most people take for granted as options but that are closed off to you because you suck.

Gotta do my Xmas shopping soon if I want there to be any hope of the gifts arriving in time. I know what my peeps want, so it’s just a matter of getting it done.

My family gets Xmas cards, and I had better get THOSE soon too, as they have to cross the continent and in one case the border.

This is the sort of thing that makes me wish I was more of a multi-tasking person as opposed to a deep-focus specialist. I do tasks sequentially when they would be better done in parallel. Sometimes I can’t even think about task B until I am done with task A. This is a real drain on efficiency.

Like, I totally could have gotten the Xmas cards and sent them out before now. But I was concentrating on the next thing, which is that damned final project.

Oh well, I will get it all done eventually. Heck, I can pick up the cards when I do my shopping tonight, in all probability. Maybe buy the stamps too. So that will be good.

And well, the gift buying only involves ordering a single thing from Amazon, so… not a big deal.

Come to think of it, I have not told people what I want yet. Which means I have to fight my usual fight against the tendency for my mind to go blank when this question comes up.

I know I need a new wallet, a new pair of pants, and my Holy Grail : a pair of weatherproof, Bluetooth, USB-chargable on-ear headphones.

If I had those, I would be far more likely to walk to and from school.

Oh, and I need to come up with the forty bucks for next year’s bus pass.

It never ends.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.