Another day where I haven’t the faintest of ideas what I am going to write about. I know I had at least three decent ideas for a topic this morning, but I don’t remember any of them.

So prepare for meandering incoherence, I guess.

Making a Murderer is fully depressing again. I am starting to wonder whether pop culture literacy is worth how much this stuff depresses me. I’m halfway through the third episodes, and at the moment, I can’t say I am enjoying it. It’s making me feel depressed about life and the human race.

We can be such petty, ignorant, blinkered, grubby creatures.

One side effect is that it has prompted me to wonder what life would have been like if I had become a lawyer. I am thoroughly convinced I would have been amazing at it and probably could have made a lot of money at it while not necessarily doing anything that would have violated my integrity.

I only wish I could go back in time and convince myself of that when I was a directionless teen. Go to school, become a lawyer, and fight for justice with all your might.

I would have been amazing. It would be the perfect job for someone with my analytic, verbal, and performing skills. I would love to have been one of the lawyers defending Steve Avery from the (spoiler alert) murder charge. I would have dismantled the case against him and shown how corrupt the whole thing was.

Of course, I am only 2.5 episodes into a ten part series. My opinion might change before the end. But right now, it’s clearly to me that Steven Avery is getting railroaded again because the county really didn’t want to pay him the thirty six million dollar settlement.

I’d have been all over that shit.

Otherwise, life is relatively smooth and groovy (smoovy?). Ordered in Chinese food last night. Despite my conscious attempts to slow myself down, still ended up eating it too damned fast. So that’s a problem that is working itself way through the system, so to speak.

Oh, and I have my funky groovy new wireless headphones now. They are quite good. Nothing fancy about them, just good, sturdy, wireless headphone that charge via USB and seem to be waterproof, which is kind of important here on the Wet Coast.

The long term plan for the headphones is for me to use them as the bridge I need to get myself into doing a little bit of walking. My knee feels somewhat okay lately, and so I have no excuse not to do at least a walk around the block now and then.

Well, other than the fact that I don’t wanna.

But I am doing my best to enjoy the new headphones without feeling like they have to be a solution to all of life’s problems or they were a waste of money and I am an idiot for not getting something else.

It’s just a new toy. Whether I use them every day or leave them on the shelf to collect dust, they were still worth getting because I now have the capacity to listen to music on the bus or while walking or even when I am just puttering about the apartment, all without any nasty wires tying me down.

Oh, and speaking of wires, when I am wearing my new headphones, I find myself unconsciously tilting my head and neck in the direction of the device playing the music, just as if there was a wire there.

Might take some time to get over that habit. It’s deeply ingrained.

Feeling sleepy today, slept a bunch yesterday too. This seems to be happening every weekend since I went back to school. Maybe I am experiencing some sort of sleep disturbance that is subtle enough that I am not aware of it during the week, but on the weekend, my brain is like “No classes for a while? Time to catch up on all that REM sleep we’ve been missing!”

Speaking of that… I have noticed something about myself. Inside my head, I address myself as “we”, as if everything I do is some kind of group effort.

And this intensifies when I am out and about in the world, as opposed to here at home. I will say to myself “Okay, what do we have next?” or “I hope we remembered to bring a pen” or “Did we do the homework?”.

And as Mark Twain once said, “Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial we.” Or something like that.

So why does it happen? I think it stems from having been such a lonely person for so much of my life. Thinking of myself as “we” makes me feel less alone, like I am just part of a group that is always with me and never lets me down or abandons me.

Still, I won’t deny that it seems a little crazy. But only a little. It’s not like I do it anywhere else. I don’t go around referring to myself as “we” as in “We think we’ll have the onion rings”. I certainly don’t refer to myself as “we” here, either. Could you imagine how fucking irritating that would be?

So I figure it’s just a way of handling stress and loneliness and feelings of social exposure. It’s not like I actually believe that there’s more than one person in my skull. I don’t have imaginary friends. I didn’t even have those when it would have been age appropriate.

And that worries me a little. Why was I such an unusual child? Is it just the intelligence? Why was I so literal and sensible from the get-go?

Maybe it was a lack of proper socialization with kids my age. But no. I was like this even when I was friends with Trish and Janet. No imaginary friend, no play-acting with my toys, no fingerpainting or coloring books or anything like that.

Yet I clearly don’t lack imagination.

What can I say, I am an enigma unto itself.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.