Guess what I had for dinner and what I watched while I was eating it?

Decided it was KFC’s turn tonight. And there is definitely something changing about me, because I ordered a four piece Big Box meal and I didn’t even slow down till the last piece.

And not that long ago, even a single piece of fried chicken made me feel like I had guzzled used bacon grease. Now, apparently, I am insatiable.

It could be a vitamin B12 thing, I suppose. It’s my body’s way of saying EATING MORE MEAT DAMMIT. Give me animal products! Meat! Dairy! Eggs! Anything! I need B12 you fat fool!

Yes, my body fat-shames me. Oh well. Ours has never been a happy relationship.

And now, triptophan^[1] battles it out with caffeine in my bloodstream, making me feel alert and sleepy at the same time. I might end up having to do this blog entry in halves if the triptophan (plus the lovely heat coming from the wall heater) wins the day.

I hate doing that, though. I want my blog entries to be a single…. thing. A single rambling, meandering, incoherent thing, but still…. a thing.

Going back to something I have stopped working on, even if the thing is far from finished, is physically painful to me. I clearly have some weird shit going on in my brain concerning what exactly it is I am doing when I write.

I can’t escape the awful truth. I have danced around it for years now, never quite coming out and saying it, but the brutal truth is that, on a deep psychological level, writing for me is…

…an act of elimination. (I’m so sorry. )

The Freudian signposts are all there. When I write, I am pushing out what is inside of me. Often, that is the stuff I won’t went to be in my mind any more. And after I stop, I never want to see it again.

The very idea of going back grosses me out. Unspeakably so. So when I am done, I move on as fast as I can and never ever look back.

Well that’s not entirely true. If it was, I would not have been able to collect all 40 of my short stories together without puking. So presumably, after a certain time, a form of mental detachment occurs, and I can stands to see a story or whatnot again.

In fact, I am often quite pleased with what I have written. But it takes a long time.

Hmmm. Something shady is going on. I ordered my new computer last night, and everything seemed to be in order. Then at 3 PM today, I get an email from someone named Jenny Huang saying that my credit card had been declined, and would I like to resubmit my credit card information to her, over email.

Or if not, she could always call me!

I don’t fucking think so. Nobody honest ever asks you for your credit card info over email, and the phone is hardly any more secure. Like I would be able to tell if the person on the other end of the line really worked for NCIX or not!

I have contacted NCIX about it. But I am growing very suspicious. This seems very much like a scam. Like someone has inserted themselves into the NCIX online ordering process somewhere in order to steal credit card information and resell it at profit.

Well fuck THAT. I can buy a computer from a lot of places. It doesn’t have to be NCIX. If they are compromised like this, I don’t dare trust them.

I am sure lots of local businesses would love to sell me a computer. I like NCIX… it strikes me as a by geeks for geeks kind of place, and those are the people I trust to sell me a decent computer because if they don’t, their geeky customers will figure it out and come back with highly technically correct complaints.

What’s worse, it would make them seem like they didn’t know how to put a computer together properly, and that would mean they were inferior geeks, and that is just plain unacceptable.

I know how techie type geeks think. They would rather die than have their skills at something as “simple” as PC assembly be questioned.

But now I wonder. I really hope their security hasn’t been compromised so badly that it makes it impossible to order from them. I would rather they got my business…. but there’s a trust issue now.

Not much else happening in my life. Thinking of getting my monitor (I have to get a new monitor too because VGA is barely even supported any more) from Monitor King, another local business.

I would love to say I shop locally when I can purely out of some noble desire to keep my money out of the clutches of sociopathic megacorps, but the truth is, I just want to be able to meet the person who is selling me something and connect with them on a (slightly) personal level so that I know who is getting my money, and they know who they would, potentially, be ripping off.

That way, neither of us is just some numbers on a screen. I truly believe that makes both sides of the transaction more honest. There are a lot of immoral acts that most people would never do if it meant hurting someone right in front of them, but might just consider if all they had to do was use their computer like they normally do, typing in things and clicking on things, in a way that makes money go to them.

I think that’s the main reason why the 1 percent can make morally reprehensible decisions so easily. These people are not, as individuals, sociopaths. I am sure they pet puppies, treat their children like gold, and truly believe something should be done to help the homeless.

But actions unconscionable on a personal level become quite acceptable when you know you will never, ever, ever see the consequences of your actions.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.