I am really not feeling the words coming right now. But time marches on.

Starting to feel the limp yet insidious tentacles of ennui slipping into my mind. Time is starting to seem pointless and vague. I don’t have anything in particular to do with my time and it is making me feel withdrawn and depressed. I want to fight it, and it’s not that I don’t know what to do. I know the exact cure : find things to do. Get caught up on homework, assignments, studying. Shoot some kind of video for the first time since mid-September. Maybe make some music. My options are manifold.

The problem is that I don’t want to do anything. My motivation has drained away and that leaves me without anything to inspire me into action. None of those activities actually appeal to me, and so getting back in the swing of doing stuff outside my ever-so-tempting puddle life seems like a distant and unreachable goal.

There has to be a force beyond motivation I can call on to pull me out of this ditch. Something besides sheer willpower. I am willing to use that if the stakes are high enough, but it feels like the wrong solution. I don’t think I have it in me to become one of those self-made hardcore “sheer force of will” kinds of people.

And even if I do have it in me…. I fear what in me I would have to sacrifice in order to make that transformation. I have said before that I am willing to sacrifice whatever I have to in order to be a freer, happier me, but that’s a tad naive. I am certainly not thinking of my tenderest, most innocent and vulnerable bits when I make that statement.

I am not thinking about the parts of me that my personality is structured to protect.

Perhaps I should be, though. Perhaps those are exactly the parts of me that are keeping me from growing up and becoming whole and sane. But if that is true, what will happen if I get rid of them? Sacrifice them on the altar of recovery? Won’t the whole thing come crumbling down as all my mental machinery is left without purpose, focus, or goal?

Maybe not. Maybe all that will happen is that the machine can finally start working properly again now that the key blockages have been removed.

I do know that for whatever reason, I feel very weak right now. I don’t think it’s a blood sugar thing. I had a decent supper a couple of hours ago. Maybe it’s blood oxygen…. I did lay down for a little while after supper. Maybe all I really need is a few deep, cleansing breaths in order to get my blood OX back up to normal after a bout with sleep apnea.

Yeah, about that. I should resolve that one way or the other, and soon. Either I need to try the thing again in order to see if that one bad night was a fluke or the machine has a real problem, or I need to skip that and take the damned thing in to my rep Marielle to see if anything is wrong with it sans testing.

Right now, all I am doing is going on with untreated sleep apnea, and that sucks. I can feel the difference between now and pre-incident and it is palpable. So I want to get back on that horse in one way or another ASAP. Something to get done while I have a week off.

Also eye testing. I haven’t been tested in five years and I am supposed to get it checked twice a year. I know I need a stronger prescription. The world has gotten a lot squintier over the last few years and screen glare and such are a bigger problem every day. And sometimes I feel this pressure in my eyes that really bothers me.

So I am going to want both a regular eye exam and the glaucoma “air puff” test. That one is annoying, but better annoyed then blind because your eyes exploded anyhow.

I am hoping that my KPU supplemental medical insurance covers whatever my disability MSP plan does not so I will not be relegated to bargain-bin frames and good-enough lenses. It would be nice, in fact, if I could get an anti-screen-glare coating as well, and maybe some prescription sunglasses for when summer comes around.

And hey, as long as I am asking, it would be nice to be treated with respect instead of contempt by the fucking opticians and optometrists too. They really don’t like seeing us welfare cases come in. They can’t make as much money on us, and it can take a while for the government to pay them.

Hopefully, with school insurance backing me up financially and the designation “student” backing me up socially, I can at least avoid the long, heavy sigh from the person behind the counter before they listlessly vaguely point at things then pointedly ignore me.

I am not making any of that up. That is how I have been treated in the past and it really hurts, especially for someone who is already a clinically depressed person with health issues and low self-esteem.

Oh well, at least this time, I will know what I am up against and will be ready to go in with a firm “smile and confront” attitude. For example :

Me : Hi! I would like to make an appointment for an eye exam.
Person Behind Counter (PBC) : Certainly. Do you have any kind of insurance?
Me : Sure, I am on provincial disability.
PBC : *big long sigh*
Me (still bright, friendly, and non-aggressive) : I’m sorry, is there a problem with that?

Then they have to either come right out and tell me they hate people on social assistance, or say there is no problem, smarten up, and treat me with respect.

I am betting on the second one, although the first would provide me with an entertaining verbal battle I know I can’t lose, at least.

I guess I’ve figured out why I have been putting it off for so long.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.