I had thoughts. And now they are gone. I really should write this stuff down, but…. when I do, the energy dies.

And there’s no point in writing it down if there’s no energy left to write the damned thing.

I am pondering my options re : education. I am losing faith in KPU as a quality institution, and so now I am wondering if I should go elsewhere after I finish this semester.

Pursuant to that, I submitted an inquiry to VFS to see if one year of education at KPU is enough to qualify me for their Writing For TV And Film one year intensive course. I still want to be a TV writer, and I would drop KPU like a hot potato if I could go to VFS instead.

I talked about it in therapy today. I have reached the point in my recovery where I am capable of truly seeing my own value and wondering if it would be better served elsewhere. Both the writing profs I have had are blown away by my talent, and dropped hints that maybe it would be better served in someplace a little more prestigious than KPU.

I’m sure they don’t imagine me taking that to mean I should write for television, but still. Clearly, I got something going on. I got 19/20 on my short story and 5/5 in the recent exam. My mark for the course is going to be through the freaking roof. Who knows, I might be able to wrangle a scholarship somewhere with marks like this.

And this time, I will not fuck up by doing a really half-assed job with my final portfolio, like I did last semester. I still feel like kicking my ass for that. My mark for that course could have been an A+, but my final portfolio was a mess and so I got an A- or B+ instead.

Tsk tsk tsk! But I can get glowing endorsement from both Nicola Harwood and Kathleen With (actual name), and that has to count for something.

Up until now, I was just happy to be going back to school. That’s the kind of low bar I used to set for myself. But now, well…. it’s not like I looked at many institutions and decided Kwantlen was the best fit for my lifestyle and career plans.

I knew it was close, so I went there. Sort of like when I went to UPEI. (Well, that, and my parents wouldn’t pay for anywhere else. Such love. )

And I deserve better. I should at least be weighing my goddamned options, at least. My marks are pretty good. I am obviously highly intelligent, which has not been an asset in the past but I am pretty sure that it would do me good in a university admittance interview.

Honestly, I have no idea how my intelligence comes across to people. I have maintained a kind of innocence about the whole thing, and that has left me ignorant. I have never been interested in claiming my power before now. Like I have said before in this space, it frightens me, and makes me feel like if I was to truly claim it, I would lose my freaking mind, or at least become an asshole type person.

But I am slowly moving away from that kind of thinking. I am increasingly willing to entertain the idea of being fearlessly myself without worrying so much about how others are going to take it. Certainly, this weird combination of genius, shyness, and innocence isn’t working out for me. I have to lower the blinders and at least become aware of the effects of my intellect on others.

That doesn’t mean I have to become all power hungry and manipulative. But it does mean I have to do the one thing I have dreaded for such a very long time : accept that I am, in a sense, above others.

Even typing that hurt like hell. I don’t want to be above people, or below them either (though that would be easier to take). I want to be on the same level as others, so we can deal with one another on a human level. I don’t what all that status bullshit getting in the way. I don’t want to struggle for dominance with anyone. I don’t want to touch all that odious envy and resentment. The very thought of getting tied up in all that make me feel physically ill.

But that doesn’t mean I am immune from its effects. And the more I think about it, the more it seems like this willing blindness costs me a lot more than it appears on the surface. By acting as though that stuff does not exist. I end up giving off a really weird and potentially alienating vibe. Other humans (back off, I still qualify) are aware of and are part of the whole status scheme, from alpha to omega, and so for me to ignore it makes me seem as weird as someone wearing a parka to a barbecue.

And so I end up achieving the opposite of the intended effect : I end up further apart from people.

But I still can’t imagine how to handle it. I can neither willingly dominate or tolerate submission. I don’t particularly want to be in charge, despite that being the way my skills and aptitudes lead me. And while I have no need to be the biggest cock in the room, I can’t stand the thought of someone thinking they can control me, or ignore me.

So what do I do? Do I just accept that I am going to end up in charge (in my own mild way) wherever I go? The idea of it horrifies me, but it might be my destiny whether I like it or not, so it might be best to just accept it and learn to live with it.

At least I have my friends. My good, good friends. I can be equal with them. They know me, they know what I am capable of, and they know what a first class doofus I can be too.

Felicity, Julian, Joe…. I love you all so much.

You are my lifeline to humanity.

Never let me go.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.