You have no idea what I am going to write today, and neither do I. Some days, there’s just nothing in particular going on in this capacious cranium of mine, and so I just have to wing it. So let’s step into the unknown and find out what is on my mind together.
I’ve encountered my depression, despite my earlier resolve to avoid it. Changing habits is always hard, and my tendency to vacillate between the computer and the bed is a habit I have formed over multiple decades, so it is quite the struggle to overcome it.
As a result, I have found myself in a state of suspended purpose, unable to remember why it is I do… anything. That’s not good. This is the true battleground : finding a way to inject purpose into my own life. I have lots of ideas for how I can keep myself busy and engaged. Ideas are never the problem with me.
It’s the hard emotional work of pulling myself out of my old groove and striking out to break new ground and create new mental pathways in my mind. To not just let gravity do the work for me, flowing to the point of least resistance, which usually means doing the same shit over and over again.
I have to at least recognize that following the old patterns isn’t making me happy. It is, in fact, making me sad. And irritated, and frustrated, and prone to thoughts of doing crazy shit just to break the tedium. That’s how I spent way too many years and I am sick to death of it.
That means I have to open myself up to the pain of this frustration, even let it build to the breaking point – the point where it forces me into new action. Some of my best artistic moments have come from that kind of breaking point, and it’s the sort of think I should treasure, and preserve. Nurse it along so that it becomes less of a painful shattering of inner calcification and more of a healthy, natural process of inspiration and joyful action.
That means I have to keep fighting my own inertia, and the side of me that always wants to change nothing and hide from the world. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of, so why hide? Exposure is not danger and even if it was, danger is not damage. Risk is not death. I am moving into a new mental space and leaving that pathetic “head buried in my own tail so I don’t have to see the world” version of myself behind.
It’s highly ironic to me that someone like me, who turned away from the world for so long, often sees it more clearly than people who have been out there living their lives and dealing with the world. I suppose that is the philosopher’s advantage : having time to really think about things and seek deep truths.
That’s why none of the ancient Greek philosophers had day jobs.
Perhaps the two things are intimately interrelated : we philosophical types turn inwards to avoid dealing with reality, and as a result we get less information, so we have to get the most we can out of the information we do get – so we deduce the hell out of it, like Descartes thinking he can deduce everything about the world from pure logic.
That more or less makes sense, right? I can’t always tell.
And the thing is, as tragic as this turning inwards can be, the rewards can be extraordinary. I am positive that what mental gifts I have come from this deep inner processing. It yields a very deep and intricate understanding of the world whose power is incalculable.
In the right conditions, it makes one an “it getter”, and to be honest, those are the people who run the world.
One weapon against this lack of inner purpose is to connect with one’s sense of play. That’s the route to true honest art, art done purely to please oneself, like a child finger-painting. It requires connecting with your inner child/id, and making art just for the fun of it, without any notion of a secondary purpose.
Nobody needs to “find the motivation” to do the things they find inherently pleasurable. Nobody says “I should probably be eating that chocolate… but I am just not feeling it. ”
It’s what I try to do when I make music. I don’t succeed very often, but I try. Forget everything except stringing sounds together to please myself. No intention – just inspiration.
I’ve been fairly sleepy lately. Hard to tell whether I legitimately need to catch up on sleep, or whether I am just bedseeking and trying to push the fast forward button on life. Both are strong possibilities. Right now, as I type this, I feel sleepy and wish I was done writing my words for the day so I can curl up in bed with some music on and drift off to sleep.
The next thing on my agenda is calling the Ironwood Optical people on the 26th and ordering my new glasses. How exciting! But I am eager to get the new glasses so that I will be able to see better. I am hoping that it will mean that I don’t have to take my glasses off to see things up close any more, and maybe make my world a tad less squinty.
After that, there is the VFS orientation on the 28th. I plan on going. I want every advantage when it comes to VFS, plus I think it will do me good to get a more detailed tour of the place and a better idea of just what will be expected of me.
Plus, of course, it never hurts to show that you are keen and enthusiastic. Which I am, of course. All part of my “dazzle and charm” offensive.
I am going to shine, god fucking dammit!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.