I really don’t.

When I imagine myself as superior to others, I feel this icicle stab of disorientating disconnection in my heart. I don’t want to be above others. That’s like…. the opposite of inclusion, and I desire inclusion so badly it makes me feel crazy sometimes. I want to be a part of things for once, and I know that has a hell of a lot more to do with me and my interpersonal issues than anything else, but still, being superior would take me in the wrong direction.

But maybe I have no choice in the matter. I am (on some levels) superior to others and I should just learn to accept it and deal with it.

I don’t want to be inferior either, of course. I want to be equal. I want to be able to connect with people and catch their vibe and groove on it with them. But if I had to choose… well, I don’t want to be inferior, but it is at least a role I understand. Being the youngest of four kids means you are born inferior and will never catch up, or at least, not until adulthood.

So while the thought of being thought inferior infuriates me, it is at least something I can understand.

Superiority, on the other hand, seems nightmarishly foreign to me. I would feel like I suddenly had a target painted on my make and a bright, hot spotlight shone on me. There is a lot of freedom in being beneath or outside people’s notice. You can more or less do what you please, in whatever manner you please, when you are on the bottom. Having no power means having no responsibility, and no responsibility means total autonomy and freedom from all expectation.

But then again, it also means no self respect, learned helplessness, and utter isolation. So… equality is the right option. Can’t I just…. belong?

Maybe not. Not, at least, without learning to deal with the elephant in the room that is my massive IQ and burden of talents. It has to be possible to be part of things and superior in some ways (and a total doofus in others) at the same time. There has to be some kind of solution.

One solution, I suppose, is to find a place in which you are not superior – where you are a giant amongst giants, so to speak. I was kind of hoping that VFS might be that place, but no, not really. I don’t feel like there are other people there to whom I can relate. The kids are all super talented, I am sure, and in many ways they seem more cut out for like than I ever will be.

But they are not on my level. Dammit.

It’s a hell of a thing, at least if you are as desperate to belong as I am, to realize that there might be no place in the world where you would truly fit in. Where you would have what others have, namely the feeling of easy connection with a group of peers around whom you can totally relax.

My current group of friends does fine by me. I love their company and they seem to enjoy mine. But even with them, there is still part of me that stands apart. Perhaps that is the part of me that is still quite dead inside, I don’t know. Certainly, as my mind has healed itself, I have felt closer to them. I feel closer to everyone. I feel closer to… being real.

But what I am talking about is some place where I fit in and can be useful and valued for more than just being a good friend. Hopefully, I will find that in the entertainment industry. That’s what this whole VFS thing is about.

And then there’s romance. It seems like it is so far away. Closer than it’s ever been, and yet, still a million light years from actually happening. I can’t imagine a scenario in my own life right now where I would end up with a boyfriend or even going on a date. It’s just not in the cards for me right now. There is still far, far too much social anxiety in the way.

And nothing but the vacuum of space in between.

And even if it came my way, I am not sure I could actually do it. Know what I mean? I have a lot of damage and a lot of pain and I worry that I might find it easier to just fake opening up to people and being “real” with them than to do the real thing. I can see myself falling into a pattern of using my people pleasing side to “manage” a boyfriend rather than experience true intimacy. And I would loathe that if I felt it was happening to me. I would hate myself if I felt I was doing it to someone else.

And yet it would be so easy.

I suppose superiority could get in the way as well. To me, the only acceptable relationship model is equality, although that might take different forms with different couples. But the other person might not see it as equal if I am far more intelligent than they are.

That would, in the long run, mean they are not the right person for me. But I know in my heart that I am a brilliant but fragile flower, and that being smarter than someone bears no relation on whether or not you love and care for and, most of all, need them.

I’m a hothouse flower in need of a good gardener, really.

Maybe that’s the workaround for superiority. I don’t know. Maybe the solution is what I said yesterday – accept the responsibility and move on from there. Maybe I just need to grow into my abilities.

I just know that I don’t want to be better than others in any way.

But it’s not like I was given a choice.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.