It just occurred to me that I am always at least a little dizzy.

Dunno why that never occurred to me before. I suppose when it’s your “normal”, it takes a very tricky form of metacognition to perceive it. I am just so accustomed to being slightly dizzy from (I think) fluid in my ears and sinuses. I move, and the fluid in my head shifts, and I feel the dizziness, like my body wants to keep going even after I have stopped moving, and I have to compensate for that.

Jaysus, no wonder I am so fucking clumsy. It’s a wonder I can get around at all.

I don’t think it was always this way. I have the distinct feeling that it began at some point, possibly when my allergies first kicked in hardcore when I was in high school, this become the new normal. I am a dizzy person, in more ways than one.

Even sitting here typing, I can feel it. Not sure that’s a good thing. I get the feeling that I might come to regret bringing this sensation to the front of my consciousness before it gets any better. Now I will be thinking about it all the time, and I will have to be very careful to make sure to not let that go to my head and end up magnifying the problem.

After all, when we pay attention to something, we naturally zoom in on it. But then…. we forget we did that, and end up thinking tiny things are huge problems.

Knowing now that I have been at least a little dizzy for a long time, it makes me wonder how much that has contributed to my burden of life and, through that, my feeling that life is just too damned hard. I can see it contributing to a feeling of life-draining heaviness. And even more than that, a feeling like I am only safe and in control when I move at little as possible.

That’s a feeling which has had me in its grips for a very long time now. Makes me wonder what my life would be like if I could rid myself of this perpetual vertigo.

I might find life to be a heck of a lot easier.

Now I don’t want to be alarmist about this. I am not saying I live with anything catastrophic. It’s more like a small but constant thing that is always there in the background of my mind, sometimes better and sometimes worse, that makes life that little bit harder.

Relatedly, I have often wondered how the fluctuations in sinus pressure in my head changes things for the rest of my head, especially my brain. To me, it seems entirely possible that one of the reasons my local reality seems so unstable to me is that blood circulation in my big ol’ brain is sometimes squeezed about by pressure in my sinus cavities, and that messes me up in both subtle and overt ways.

Certain, when I am experiencing my legendarily easy to provoke heat sickness, it feels like some enormous pressure is being applied to some portion of my brain. And what do you know, I usually get dizzy too.

Makes me wonder if I maybe have malformed sinus cavities or somesuch. I am pretty sure the average person does not go through what I go through. There has to me some explanation for why I have had these irritating sinus issues my whole life. Just calling them “allegies” is clearly an inadequate explanation. There has to me more going on. The allergies are just the trigger.

And I don’t really think of them as allergies anyhow. That’s just the most convenient word to use in order to get the basic idea across. No one thing sets them off, as far as I can tell. So it’s either a host of allergies with the same symptoms, or something more like having irritable sinuses that might get freaked out by anything it decides has to go.

The allergy pills I take do seem to help. But that might just be the sinus medicine portion of them. When I take a straight-up antihistamine with nothing else added, my results tend to be inconclusive. Maybe they are helping, and maybe not. I still sneeze sometimes when I am on them.

That pisses me off.

So I guess I am fucked up in the head in more than one way. I could try to figure out how to get to my doctor and talk to him about it despite my rather busy academic schedule, but that’s a long-shot. The stupid nine to five world kind of gets in the way.

What do you know, my doctor’s office is only open during the exact same hours when everybody is at work. As is everything else. How fucking convenient.

And the thing is, I would be more likely to take a day off work than I would be to take a day off school. Missing work is just a matter of figuring out how to get your work done while you are not there.

But with school, I might actually miss something important. Something that would have helped me a lot. Even if I was the sort of person who could ask someone to take notes for me/share their notes with me, I would be paranoid that they had not captured the true experience, with vocal tones and body language and such.

Because I’m complicated like that.

The obvious solution is to get a doctor that is close to school. That way I could go on my lunch break, or after school. I like my current doctor, Doctor Chao, but I can’t say I am particularly attached to him. So it wouldn’t be a huge trauma for me to switch.

Seems weird for it to be more convenient to have a doctor far away from my home than to have one six blocks from me, but that’s life.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.