Feeling vaguely tired and crabby today. I have that very enervating feeling like my joints are all under-lubricated and my tired bones grind against each other with every move. Fun.
This, at the same time as an upsurge in hay fever symptoms. I’m beginning to think they are related. I have suspected for a long time that my allergy attacks are about a lot more than just the obvious sneezing and sinus congestion, and that it may be more of a full-body histamine response that causes an inflammatory response in every part of my body. Hence, sore joints, Irritable Bowl Syndrome symptoms, headaches (inflamed dura?), and any other inflammatory symptom you can mention.
If this is true, the necessity of adding a 24 antihistamine to my daily medications rises in priority, along with, possibly, some sort of over the counter anti-inflammatory in order to cool the symptoms.
Earlier, I was also enjoying this weird newish sensation where I feel coldly alert in a way that is fairly unpleasant. It’s not physically unpleasant but I find it emotionally disquieting because it is quite unlike my usual warm mood. It makes me feel almost reptillian and remote. If I try to sleep, no matter how tired I am, I just get less than an hour of extremely shallow sleep and wake up feeling even weirder.
It’s the sort of thing that makes me long for a super sleepy phase. That, at least, I am used to dealing with.
Compounding my stress, something is up with my prepaid Visa card. Transactions are bouncing when I am almost positive that the funds are there for them. I get the feeling there must be a charge I am not accounting for in my mental list of charges versus the $50 I put in there last month, and hence, there’s not as much in there as there should be.
If that’s the case, I am going to have to stop by Money Mart and put some more cash on the card, which I can ill afford. But it really came to a head today, because my Netflix payment did not go through, so now I got no Netflix to watch until I fix it.
That means that there is only YouTube via the Wii’s Internet Channel (in other words, their web browser) between me and the possibility of having to watch actual television.
Surely, we can come together as a nation and a people and agree that this is a tragedy that must be avoided at all possible costs.
I mean, that shit has like commercials and schedules and shit. Fuck THAT. What’s next, watching something just because it’s the best thing on? Like an animal?
Like I have mentioned before, money is stressing me lately. I live on a very thin margin, and that margin has been dwindling lately. I really wish I had a way to make some extra money. Maybe I should look into selling some stuff on eBay. What the hell, it can’t hurt to give it a shot.
Although, being the fragile and sensitive sort, if I put an item up for auction and nobody bids on it, I am going to feel terribly, terribly hurt. I do not handle rejection well.
I have said it before and I will say it again : being sensitive is not for wimps.
I just don’t like my life, really. I mean, it could be far worse. I could be a homeless crackhead ranting incoherently at passersby in the Downtown East Side, or dying of a wasting disease in a hospital. All my physical needs are taken care of, and I have great friends to hang out with and meet my social needs (though sometimes, I wish I knew more people so I could do that ‘networking’ thing and make some sort of connection with the world I wish to live in. )
But it’s still a fairly bare existence. I have absolutely no way of earning money and that is highly corrosive to someone’s self esteem over time. I truly think that human beings have a strong urge to find their role in society so they can contribute their unique capabilities to the collective, and I have no way of doing that. This blog as all I have, and that’s a fairly sad thing.
I feel like I have an amazingly complex and powerful mind, and a warm and caring heart, but a sad and tiny spirit that just doesn’t get me anywhere.
Good thing there’s self-pity.
Two things:
1. I learned today that five-hour energy drinks sometimes put me to sleep. Since you’d talked about the “too tired to sleep” thing in the past, that might be something to try.
2. If you’re selling things, I’ll buy your video camera. I need one for Paragon, especially since, without Jade, Ashton, or you filming the thing, I have no idea how it’s going to get beyond the phase of Amos talking about it when he comes over.
I’ve noticed that caffeine sometimes makes me sleepy as well. But I think I am better off limiting my caff intake, because I think (and hope) that allows me to develop something more like a natural sleep cycle, and better sleep.
As for selling the camera…. that would make me feel like I had failed. Silly, I know…. it’s not like I am doing anything with it, it just sits there, just like my synthesizer… but to sell it would really be admitting that I have screwed up my vague plans of video stuff forever.
Still, I will consider it. Perhaps I am better off concentrating on a smaller number of vague dreams.
That’s OK; the alternative to you selling it—having you participate in and shoot Paragon—would actually be cheaper and easier for me! 🙂
Dunno about shooting it. I’m a lousy cameraman.
I am willing to write and to direct and to play small roles.
And I am willing to lend you the camera. 🙂