t did a dumb thing.

So it’s Saturday. Usually, every Saturday, my roomies Joe and Julian (aka J&J) go to Joe’s parents place to play board games and hang out.

But this time, they did not, because Joe’s parents are traveling. This meant that we could try to get caught up on our watching of the Daily Show and Colbert over supper.

Here’s the thing about that, though. Usually, when we sit down to watch stuff, it’s after Joe gets off work at midnight and that means it’s nearish to bedtime for yours truly.

Now as you know, I need pills to help me sleep. ^[1] They take around half an hour to kick in, so I have developed the habit of taking my pills around half an hour before we are finished watching our shows.

Some of you have already figured out where this is going.

So there I was, watching stuff with J&J, and it was totally dark out, and I was distracted by the TV, and that opened the door for situational memory to take over, and well..

I just took my goddamned sleeping pills at 7 PM.

Ergo, tonight’s blog entry will be written in at least two segments. When they kick in hard, I am going to take a nap. Possibly a very long one, seeing as the sleeping pills generally allow me to sleep around five hours minimum. Longer on a good night.

And dammit, I have things I want to do tonight. I was planning on getting down to some serious homework and instead I am going to sleep the night away. After which it will be around 1:30 in the morning, which is not far from when I would be going to bed.

Part of me wants to react to that by staying up all night. But sleep doesn’t really work like that. Our circadian rhythms get in the way. So I will probably end up getting up for at most a couple of hours so I can have my “midnight” snack, then go back to sleep.

After all, I have a high density week ahead of me. Two classes Monday, another two on Tuesday, and one on Wednesday. That means I have to get as much of the homework as I can done before the week starts because I will not have a lot of time/energy during the week. Just the evenings.

That’s why having to sleep now pisses me off so much. Fuck.

And I am so sick and tired of tripping over myself so much. No matter how hard I try, I just keep fucking up left right and center. I am seriously beginning to wonder if I have a clinically definable brain disorder. Something that makes it impossible for my to get my mental game together. I am tired of being clueless, clumsy, and crazy.

I want to be able to think straight, move well, and escape this world of madness and complication in which I live.

In short, I wish I was normal.

Well, here comes sleep. I will come back when I am done.

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I’m back. Only slept a couple of hours. So thanks for that. Still kinda sleepy though.

Anyhow, yeah, I am so over being such a spazz Maybe it’s my meds that are making me slow. Or maybe my mind is just too soft.

It’s certainly possible that school’s demands on my creative energies encourage me to stay in an internally focused state of mind. One that is soft and dreamlike. I often think of my creativity as being like dreaming on the page.

That would explain the disassociative nature of how I feel much of the time. I  always feel sort of dizzy and distant. I have a hard time focusing on what is right in front of me. When I try, it’s like trying to play the piano when your hands are covered in concrete.

A lot of things could be causing that feeling. Like my sleep apnea, for instance. Kind of hard to feel sharp and alert when your brain isn’t getting enough O2 for a third of your life. Maybe if I could get my oxygen game together, the rest would fall into place.

But it’s so hard to focus enough to handle things most of the time. Even relatively simple things, like trying my CPAP machine again, feel like trying to skate uphill. Everything slips through my fingers and I continuously fuck up and can’t even explain why.

Not even to myself.

It’s that whole path of least resistance thing all over again. Sometimes it feels like all I can do is slide down the hill of life under the force of gravity without any real choice in the matter. To do anything else is so hard and letting go is so easy.

I don’t want to be that way. Passive and oblivious. Disconnected and distraught. Doomed to helplessly watch things fall apart over and over again as I stumble into walls with my pants down around my ankles in a never-ending blooper reel of clueless catastrophes.

And what if I literally cannot pull myself together? Maybe I have truly fucked myself up so bad that all I can do is limp along while I fall apart. I am plagued by the feeling that even operating at my current minimal level, I am losing ground.

And my absolute worst nightmare is that one day I will dissociate so strongly that I lose all contact with reality and get lost inside my own mind. That possibility seems very real some days. All it would take is some major emotional blow and I would instinctively withdraw from reality so hard that I would never come back again.

Yet still, I will not cease my battle against the inward tide. Some day, I will be a real live human being, and my internal exile will end, and I will fell the full warmth of the sun penetrate my icy tomb, and I will live again.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.