And my ride crashed.

The last two days have not been what you would call good.

Yesterday, I discovered that my Compass Card (or for us old-schoolers, my bus pass) was missing. And so I panicked and freaked out for a bit. That thing is KIND of important to me, seeing as it’s what gets me to school and back. Without it, I have to pay $3.75 each way, or 7.50 a day, and that kind of shit adds up really fast.

And I really can’t afford spending $30/week on transit. ^[1] So I am going to get that mofo back ASAP. But I have to call the ministry to do it, and that fills me with fear because if the government is involved, it will probably take two weeks or more for the damn thing to arrive. And that’s a lot of $ down the drain.

It’s a good thing that I won’t be needing lunch money any time soon. My classes are well spaced out (how appropriate, so am I) enough this term that I almost never have two classes on the same day, and I only need lunch money on those days, so I should be good for that for a week or two.

But still, $30/week is a bigass drain on my highly delicate financial status, so I will get the replacement process started ASAP.

Ironically, I have to wait until the precious snowflakes at the ministry get back from lunch because they can’t be bothered to have anyone answering the phones between noon and 1 pm. Plus, they close at 4, which means they work a truly grueling six hours a day.

And seriously, how hard a job can that be? They only serve us people with the special red Compass cards that we get via the ministry, and how many of those can there be? Plus most people don’t lose their card like, ALL the time. So I imagine they get like, maybe ten calls a day at peak. And for that, they get civil service wages. What a joke.

It occurs to me that I should not post this blog entry until I have transacted my business with these no doubt lovely and hard-working people.

Don’t take it too seriously, folks, I am just bitchin’. I’ve been having a rough time of it lately and I am in a bad mood. Please don’t do anything to wreck shit for me. I’m in a very delicate emotional state right now, and further setbacks would crush me.

It always freaks me out hard when I lose something and have no idea when or how it happened. My absentmindedness makes my personal reality unstable and treacherous, and when I lose important stuff, that increases my reality anxiety tenfold.

I can understand why old, senile people start accusing everybody of stealing from them. It’s a lot easier on the ego to imagine people are stealing from you than it is to admit to yourself that you have no idea what the fuck is happening any more.

And if you start from the assumption that you are fine, period, what other conclusion can you come to as to how things keep disappearing and moving around?

HOLY FUCK. I just called the ministry to replace my buss pass and the automated voice told me that the estimated wait time was AN HOUR AND 20 MINUTES.

WTF are they doing over there? Do they only have one person on the phones? And that department apparently handles a whole bunch of shit, like senior supplements, nutrition allowances, and the discounted event passes program.

I bet Christie Clark slashed their fucking budget.

But what really has me bummed out today is that my scrip was not one of the four chosen for production at school today. I went into it full of confidence and delivered my pitch well, but it just didn’t make the cut.

And I know why. Looking back, it was clear that I pitched what I thought was great about my script as a project and what I should have done was pitched at as the sort of thing my audience wanted to hear, which was apparently attention-grabbing avant garde filmmaking, whereas I just wanted to make something funny that was dead simple and very high in content.

Comedy always gets the shaft in the world of film, dammit.

Looking back, I wish I had written something with way more of a hook. I tried to sell it as a simple, fun project that would be easy to do and where there is loads of room for individual contribution and where everyone involves would have a rockin’ good time.

That failed to capture their imagination. I suppose they wanted more of a challenge.

And I was pretty freaking depressed right after it happened. It was such a big disappointment. I had tried so hard to pitch it but, nope. I just stared at the pattern of the carpet for a little while, just trying to process it.

I got cocky and didn’t keep my eye on the ball. That’s what happened.

What is important right now is that I do not listen to the depressive voice in my head telling me that this is what I get for hoping and trying and that I will never get a job in the industry because people just plain don’t want to be around me and all I will get out of my supposed education will be a $20 000 loan I can never pay back and the joy of being an even bigger loser for having a skill and not getting to use it.

Oh well. I can always go rogue and make my own content. And wait. Surely someone will be desperate enough to hire me some day!

Until then, all I can do is limp along and deal with the demon in my head one at a time.

I learned some important lessons today about how to get things done, and how not to. My pitch might have worked… if all my fellow students were comedy people.

Now, I wait for a phone call, and eat lunch. Then, it’s on to the ten page assignment I have to do more or less in one day.

So far I have one page.

Won’t this be fun!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.