Had my first production meeting with my film group today. It did not go well, at least from my point of view.

Today, I had Producing for Writers class, aka  “Here’s some money, now fuck off” class. From today onward, every class will be half instruction and half production meeting with our teams. I like this, it makes sure we get together at least once a week and, to be honest, I would rather be in a production meeting than attending a lecture. Erk.

So in the first half of the class, the lecture part, I was stoked. I had all these ideas I wanted to contributed and I had already figured out what roles I could fill in the production and was imagining myself as the focused executive type who run things with a Picard-like efficiency and sweeps the others off their feet with my judgment and wisdom.

I consider myself to be a natural executive, as are many other INTJ types. We can make decisions rapidly, handle the big picture with ease, keep a big system in our heads (as long as we designed it) and we are independent of mind enough to make the tough decisions that benefit the system as a whole and thereby the people in it.

So I had built up quite a picture of how it was going to go down by the time the meeting actually came around. I would smoothly and unobtrusively assert control, get everyone on the same page, and sort out who has to do what, when, and where.

I knew I could be a  great asset when it came down to coordinating, planning, organizing, communication, and so on. I can handle paperwork and budgets and forms and big huge documents with everything in them and all that kind of thing.

I figured that those would be the sort of things that none of my fellow artsy people would want to touch with an eleven foot stick, and so the role would be mine, uncontested.

But obviously, that’s not how it worked out. To my surprise, when we were handing out the jobs, another member of my group spoke up and claimed my positions, and I was too stunned to object, so boom, there goes my role.

And I was not really suited for any of the other roles. And when they/we were deciding those other roles, people, as usual, totally forgot I existed, so it’s not like anyone said “Michael, can you do that?” to me.

Even in my stunned state, I would have know to say “yes”. No matter what it was.

So now I feel excluded and walled off in my own film group. The only job I got was craft services, which I can totally do, but I can’t help but think of as a waste of my talents when I could be doing so much more.

And I can’t shake the feeling that I never stood a chance. That the whole thing was programmed against me from the start, including the fact that the first meeting was announced on such short notice that there was absolutely no chance I could attend.

These people never planned to include me at all, and if they let me do anything at all, it’s out of pity. I could be an incredible asset to them, but they don’t know that or don’t care.

Well fuck them, then. I’ll do my job and contribute at meetings (assuming they listen to me at all, which is improbable) but it’s clear the clique has already formed and I am not part of it, so I officially don’t give a shit about the project any more.

They don’t want me, they don’t get me. It basically means I have to do very little work on production day – in fact, they strongly hinted that I don’t even need to show up. So fuck these people. If it wouldn’t get me in trouble, I would leave them all to hang in the breeze without my strength, wisdom, and forethought to help them.

And one day they will look up and shout “Save us!” and I’ll look down and whisper, “No.”

Not really. I am too Canadian for that, and therefore I am unable to knowingly let down the team. I am also too aware of the world and my responsibilities within it to do that. I would swallow my pride and help if they came to me.

But they probably won’t.

I swear to God, though, that some day I am going to force the world to value me. Hopefully in large denominations, and plenty of them. I haven’t even tapped into a tenth of my potential yet. I have powers I don’t even know I have yet. And I am capable of great growth if given even a tiny amount of encouragement.

So far, I have not gotten said encouragement in sufficient quantity. I know from my teachers that I am pretty damned good at writing. I don’t need the approval or inclusion of my classmates in order to do my job.

One day, someone is going to give me a chance to shine, and I will knock their fucking socks off with all my creative and pragmatic powers. I’m a greater writer, plus I have all kinds of other skills that could benefit others to an astounding degree.

And I’ll tell you this : my fellow students are going to notice a subtle difference in me from now on. I will still be friendly and civil, but a glass wall is going up between me and them from now on. I am tired of trying to fit in and get along. I am officially doing my own thing now, and if it happens to benefit others, great.

If people want to connect with me, it will be on my own terms. Otherwise, that wall is not coming down for any reason. I am my own beast now.

And some day, by God, I will shake the very heavens with my power.

Until then, I will keep my thunder to myself.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.