I have had kind of an amazing day.

Now I have been depressed the last few days. What with the fiasco of a day I had Monday and Tuesday making me feel like a stumbling fool who never had the slightest idea what the fuck he was doing, I was feeling very low.

And things did not improve today. I got up at 9 and barely managed to bang out the beat sheets I had due in today’s class in time before having to eat and then go to school.

And the trip was no fucking fun. I am officially well and truly sick of Real Winter and would be more than happy for a normal Wet Coast winter of rain and darkness to happen if it means it isn’t so fucking cold.

Then I got to class, and realized that once more, I had forgotten to read my classmates’ work before coming in, so I would be commenting blind. I handled it okay, but for their sakes’, I hope I did a good enough job to fool them into thinking I had totally done the reading, because then they won’t feel insulted by my inattention and lack of reciprocity.

Why am I suck a fuckup? I wondered as class progressed. My mood was further bleakened by watching all the bright young things in the class come up with cogent and actionable analysis of the beat sheets of their fellow students’ work on the fly when I just plain could not even digest the stuff that fast, let alone comment on it.

It made me wonder what I am really learning. Even if I could solve my speed issue, I am not sure I could perceive my classmates’ work the way they can. It shames me to admit it, they see more of the big picture than I do. Or rather, they are better able to articulate what, for me, is merely a hazy intuition. Either way, it is a blow to the ego to have revealed to you that young people can do things – analyze and articulate – better than me when I thought those were my particular specialties.

This feeling is sharpened by the fact that another person in my class is a goddamned good writer. So good, in fact, that what he submitted Monday was judged by the class to be impossible to improve. It was Done. Even the teacher agreed.

Meanwhile, I am still half-assing and jerking off each assignment at the last minute and getting the same criticisms on each assignment. Do I even belong here, or are they just letting me go forward out of pity? Is there really a chance I will work in TV?

Then it comes my turn to have my morning’s work analyzed. My show has fifteen minute episodes, and so I had to do beat sheets for two episodes. My first episode did okay. But I was still missing the vital ingredient of a vital reason for the protagonist to move forward.

Here it is.

1. An angry teacher tells Sam he has detention. We don’t know why yet. Sam asks what detention is.

2. Sam shows up at the detention room. There’s only one other kid there, a tough looking kid named Rod. Sam asks Rod what detention is. Rod tells Sam you have to sit still, be quiet, and read or study. Sam blinks a few times and says “That’s it?”. Sam then sits, takes out a book, and reads happily.

3. Mister Petitfour arrives. He is there to watch over the detention room. He sighs and rolls his eyes when he sees Sam. He doesn’t like how happy Sam looks to be in detention. He sits down and immediately falls asleep.

4. Later : A restless Rod asks Sam what “a nerd like him” did to get detention. Sam says he told a teacher they were wrong in front of the whole class. Rod is impressed.

5. Later : Sam finally thinks to ask Rod how he landed in detention. Rod shrugs and says “fighting” like it was the sort of thing that happens to everyone. Sam is scandalized.

6. Later : A confused looking second grader named Jack shows up late for detention. Sam asks what he did. Jack says he showed up late for class. Sam asks Jack if he has a problem with time. Jack doesn’t understand the question. Sam goes back to reading.

7. Later : Rod gets up and starts pacing. Detention is very hard for him. Sam offers to lend him a book. He looks at Sam like he’s insane.

8. Later : Sam asks Rod how he ended up in a fight. Rod shrugs and says it was probably because someone said something that made him angry. Sam can’t believe that Rod doesn’t know.

9. Later : Jack asks Sam and Rod what time his mother is going to pick him up. Sam and Rod remind him that it’s lunch time. Jack says “But my piano lesson is over. “ Rod and Sam move away from Jack.

10. Later : Rod is extremely agitated, to the point of panic. Sam asks him why. Rod says it’s because he doesn’t like confined spaces. Sam ask why Rod doesn’t just stop getting into fights then. Rod stops pacing and hmms, having never considered this option before.

11. Later : The bell rings, indicating that lunch time is over. Rod is out of the door like a shot. Sam tries to wake up Mister Petitfour, but has to give up because he doesn’t want to be late for class. Petitfour wakes up to find Jack staring up at him. Jacks asks Petitfour if he is his Mommy. Petitfour wonders aloud what the heck he missed.

Not bad work for something I bodged together this morning. But it really makes me appreciate the long development process we have been putting out shows through. Compared to the outlines I submitted recently, that’s a load of undigested crap.

I know that I have the stuff of genius. All the right ingredients are there. I have full faith in my creativity and funniness. But it’s not good enough to just be the mine, producing the raw ore of greatness. I have to be the refinery and the jeweler as well.

I am so totally down with the earth imagery lately. I am off the water imagery, apparently. I choose to view this as spiritual progress.

I was a little hurt that nobody liked Jack, I thought he was cute and funny.

And then we get to the second of the episodes, which goes like this :

1, Sam gets hurt, is sent to school nurse

2. Sam explains symptoms to nurse, who doesn’t understand his terminology. Sam is shocked that such a charlatan is employed in his school.

3. Sam asks a school crossing guard what qualifications he has. Crossing guard explains that he’s a volunteer and his only qualification was that he already had the vest. Sam is shocked.

4. Sam asks the lunch lady for her qualifications. She says she took a three week food safety course and that was it. Sam asks her how much biochemistry that involved. She looks at him blankly and tells him they learned how a lot of foods look and smell when they are rotten. Sam is beginning to panic.

5. Sam asks a school janitor what her qualifications are. She tells him she had to take a three month course then do a long apprenticeship. Sam is reassured that at least one adult in his life is actually qualified for their job until he learns how little microbiology it involved. And how can you keep the school free of germs if you don’t know microbiology? Sam is freaking out.

6. A freaked out Sam tells Ann and Leon how unqualified everyone at school is. They ask him whether these people can do their jobs or not. Sam can’t see how they could when they don’t know the basic science involved. They tell him that knowing the science and knowing how things work well enough to do your work are two very different things. Sam is dubious.

7. The next day at school, Sam is explaining his concerns to Edgar during recess when some roughhousing kids accidentally shove Edgar, causing him to take a nasty fall. The roughhousing kids are panicking and Sam is frozen in place, not knowing what to do.

8. The school nurse swoops in, and in a quick montage, calms everyone down, examines Edgar, tells everyone he will be fine because he just has a sprain and some cuts and bruises, and whisks Edgar off to her office to bandage him up and put his arm in a sling for the sprain.

9. A dazed and confused Edgar asks Sam what the heck happened. Sam explains that the school nurse saved Edgar after he took a fall. Edgar, remembering their previous conversation, says “You mean that quack patched me up? It’s a wonder that I am still alive!”. Sam looks guilty and thoughtful.

10. Back home, Sam admits to his parents that it looks like they were right but he still doesn’t understand it. They explain that a child learns to walk without understanding physicals and learns to talk without understanding linguistics. Ergo, you don’t have to understand the theory to be good at the practice. Sam agrees.

11. Montage of Sam apologizing to the crossing guard and the janitor and giving them small gifts, ending with the school nurse, whom he gives a box of candy thermometers “for the little kids. “ She smiles, thanks him for his thoughtful gift, and sends him on his way.

And to my shock and very lovely surprise, it’s declared  by all to be pretty much perfect.

Apparently, when I wrote that one, I got it right. Everyone found the story charming and engaging and loved the lesson it taught. This time, my main character had a clear goal and pursued it, and that made all the difference.

And that’s where the day ended : with me having finally got it right, so to speak. I now have a perfect(ish) episode to use as a template for further episodes, and I can finally unleash Sam’s true potential to charm the socks out of everyone and make everyone fall in love with that lovable little egghead.

Just imagine the merchandising opportunities! ^[1]

I am going to go over that beatsheet with a fine toothed comb and try to figure out what makes it tick so I can do it again. I finally get what the teacher has been trying to tell me all this term, the same thing I argued with her about in a way I now see as purely reactive.

And reflexively arguing to defend your work instead of actually listening to the people trying to teach you something is the exact opposite of what you should do.

At some point, I am going to have to make peace with my fiery side and find a way to harness its vast energies for positive, life-affirming, non-destructive ends. Instead of suppressing it only to have it make me argumentative, arrogant, and stubborn.

Well I get it now. My plots were lacking vitality. I didn’t understand it as it was explained to me, but now that I have an example, it finally clicks. It’s not exactly that every character has to have a clear goal in mind, it’s just that stories are way better when they do. So while it is true that in real life people don’t always have clear goals – in fact, often our goal is merely to make it through the day – in fiction, where the object is to entertain, those clear, easily understood driving goals make everything work better.

I also learned that I need to do what all of pop culture has been telling me to do for my whole life, which is to learn to stop comparing myself to others.I need to forget the other students and concentrate on being the best version of myself I can.

That’s a lot easier to do when you have achievements, and now I have one.

I wrote a really good (beat sheet for an) episode. I could see in my teacher’s eyes the kind of warm, bemused, amused look that is the exact kind of thing I am looking for, and that meant more to me than even the compliments she had given me.

Because it meant I had gotten it right.

And that’s the best feeling of all.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.