…come large responsibilities.

Been thinking about my size lately, and not merely in the sense of my obesity. Like I have said before, I would be a large male even if I was at my ideal weight. There’s just a heck of a lot of me, and I feel that this comes with certain benefits and complications of its own.

For example, one benefit is that I can walk the streets without the slightest fear of being the victim of violence. Smart predators do not try to add bear meat to their diet. Simply by being a big bearded male, I am passively displaying a certain level of dominance whether I feel like it or not.

That’s one of the complications too. I scare some people. They can’t see past my largeness to the gentle genial teddy bear inside. I definitely consider myself to be a gentle giant and quite happy to be one. Being big definitely gives me the physical self-assurance that comes from never having to worry that some other male with try to dominate or prey upon me, at least physically.

And if it did some to physical violence, my size gives me many natural advantages without my even having to be in shape. I have a large, strong, sturdy frame that can take a lot of punishment. I have a reach advantage over most folks. My weight, when applied properly, can add a lot of power to any punch, and of course, also lets me toss lighter people around. And there is a kind of brute power inherent in my Bubba-shaped body type.

As a result, I do not worry about getting into a fight. It’s not something I want, but I do not fear other men. I know I can handle myself. I know that, if the situation calls for it, I can be very intimidating without a lot of effort. In fact, it would have just as much to do with un-suppressing certain behaviours as it does bring other feelings to the fore.

I’d make a great bouncer.

That touches on another of the complications, namely that I can’t play by the same rules as everyone else. The exact same facial expressions and body postures that a normal person uses become something threatening or frightening or even downright grotesque on a large person. Everything I do gets amplified by my size. I am constantly on loudspeaker.

If I were to simply relax my guard and express myself without inhibition, I would be a very loud, obnoxious, bullying kind of person. And not via intent. It would flow naturally from trying to be like everyone else.

There’s times I wish I could one of those jolly fat guys. Like a non-scary John Goodman character. Jolly, friendly, sociable, gregarious, able to make friends easily and get along with anybody from the get-go. A social genius, really. The kind of guy you would want as a salesman, product rep, lobbyist, or even politician.

But that’s not for me, not yet at least. I have too much introversion and negativity for that. And a deep non-negotiable need to be honest. To say it like I see it.

But I digress.

My point is that I have to deliberately compensate for my larger than life impression on people in order to avoid being that loud, obnoxious bully. In a sense, I have to be twice as calm and gentle in order to get along as I would have to were I of average size.

And there are a lot of little, subtle things about being large that can easily slip by if you are not as sensitive as I am. Little micro-reactions that never add up to much.

Now being sensitive/wimpy and large presents its own set of challenges. People are less forgiving of weakness in large men. We are, in the public mind, supposed to be as impressive and strong as the visual impression we make. Were I a thin, willowy man with a womanly face, I would face a lot of problems… but people would not expect me to be more manly than I am.

Basically, I do not send out the sorts of signals that bring out the nurturing side in people. Not physically, anyhow.. When you see people like me in films and TV, we are quite frequently the bad guy, or at least, someone tough and scary.

And if the character is actually wimpy, the story is often savagely disapproving, and takes great pleasure in seeing us hurt and humiliated.

Why? Because we have failed as men. We are not living up to what society thinks we should be. The fact that we didn’t ask to be big doesn’t enter into it.

There’s also some strange stuff hanging around the zeitgeist because, when we are fat, we cause a mild amount of gender confusion because we give off a few of the female body signals, like roundness, big hips, and a general softness of appearance.

Personally, I don’t mind that at all. I consider it an open question whether I would be better off as a fat woman. I’d do it for the right man. Not the operation… I like my bits. But I would dress and live as a woman for the right guy.

One that could make me feel like a lady.

There is also some even weirder shit floating about because we big fat dudes resemble infants in some ways.

But I don’t want to think about that.

All in all, I am not really complaining about being big. It has its pluses and minuses. It bothers me that I have to restrain my self-expression in some ways, but in other ways, I really enjoy being a big dude.

I like the physical confidence it brings. I like being built like a truck. I like having big hands and big feet. I like being able to use my weight to substitute for strength sometimes.

And most of all, I love being a gentle giant.

It really is the best of both worlds.

I will talk to you nice people tomorrow.